MIL crisis - moving away

[AnonRR]

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

My IL moved to the Midlands and wanted us to move too. They then moved to the other side of the world which we quite enjoy in terms of distance but if we'd moved would have meant we were stuck in the Midlands with no family and poorer job prospects and a lot further from my family.

Do what you, your DH and your DC need to do. No one else matters.

I think you just need to push on with your move, but be kind to her as she has already lost easy access to one DS and his family that moved to Newcastle. She is in mourning for your planned move, but that doesn't mean you need to stay. It is your life and your DH's and DD's and between you you know what is for the best.

Does MIL have many family members or friends in Kent? If so, she'll be fine. If not, you never know, she might buy the house next door to you in Hampshire.

SURPRISE!!!!!!

Look, you and DH are in this together which is great. Thats probably what hurts. However she will have to get over it and not be manipulative other wise she will lose out big style. However hard you find it don't rise to her bait and be positive. You have done nothing wrong , in fact everything right. ( 70+ doting grandma talkind here) Good luck.

She just sounds devastated. This is her flesh and blood and she clearly loves her grandchild. That is so lovely. I think some posts on here are really harsh. Her response is dramatic and that is difficult and unfair as you have every right to move.
Could you show her a little compassion? Reassure her she will see her grandchildren and will be welcome to your new home. It is wonderful for your grandkids to have as many people as possible who love them! Look at all those people who have no relatives who really care.

@Pipsquiggle Just curious what is the 11+drama? Both my children go to grammar schools in Kent, never been any drama.

Tough gig! If DH is on board then go for it. Not a million miles away.

Ask her to move and live closer to where you'll be. That should sort her mind out. She has choices. And ask if she'll take grandchildren for a few days each holiday and half-term, but only if she's up to it. In effect, you're telling her, it's not her you're moving away from and you don't want to separate her from her grandchildren. Then it's up to her to start being practical and make choices.

@loopyloolou - mainly the pressure some parents put onto their DC (particularly if its plainly obvious that grammar would not be a good fit for the DC) and the tutoring in Y5.
I also have a DC at grammar.

I live on the cusp of a grammar county, we are in catchment for quite a few of the local grammars and also some good comprehensives (I know we are very lucky). I just find some parents are unrealistic about their DC's abilities on the subjects covered in the 11+

She’s had it all her own way now it’s time your family got a look in.

@pizzaHeart why should she have to give a reason. Surely she can live wherever she pleases? As a mil myself, I would never dream of interfering in where my children lived. My son is in the USA and my daughter is local to me. Their choice, their lives.

If it’s that devastating, she can always uproot her own life and move a bit nearer to you and the other grandparents. But she won’t. Because she’s utterly selfish and where her adult son moves to is somehow all about her needs.

She clearly loves her grandchild and the thought of being being without them and looking after one day a week is breaking her heart. Be kind. You say she is a lovely woman and you clearly trust her with your child. Your child will be upset too when the time comes to say goodbye. One day you may be feeling as she is now. Be kind.

Emotional blackmail at its worst! She needs to get a grip. I have a 3 year old granddaughter that I've only ever seen photos of 😞

My thoughts are couples who rely on regular caring responsibilities by the Grandparents have to accept there will be a form of grief when that responsibility is suddenly removed. It's undeniable the couple should do exactly as they please as a family but with that comes the fact the bond between children and their Grandparents, especially if they are regular carers, is extremely strong. All I'm saying is there is a lot to consider. OP I'm sure your mil will eventually get used to the idea although I think she should be reassured she will still be very much involved with her Grandchildren. She obviously loves them very much and I've no doubt that love is reciprocated

Your relationship with her is not going to be permanently damaged. She will need to keep on your sweet side to see the kids. Ignore her power play.

Utter nonsense. This depends on the family. I visited my Grandparents regularly until they died when I was in my 20s. My DH did the same with his. In fact when we got together we visited both sets as a couple. You can't generalise and tar everyone with the same brush.

Lovely. She needs to keep you sweet or you will with hold contact with her granddaughter.

@Honeychickpea sadly this happens a lot I have 2 granddaughters I've never met and one of them is 3 now 😢

It is very calculated to use little children as bartering tools, the needs of the child should come first if they are not to grow up feeling deprived of a family that loved them, and resentful towards their parents.

I imagine the type of person prepared to weaponise chidden is likely to not be the best parent in other ways.

In Kent though many kids go to grammar schools Think it's at least 20%. Both my niece and nephew go. In face where my mum lived when my youngest brother was at school ( Rochester) had so many grammars he had to travel 7 miles for a comprehensive

Neither were tutored etc.

In Essex there are much more limited grammar places. The kids there do tend to be tutored although my DD wasn't apart from a couple of practise papers

Just look forward to the day you will be free of this drama llama nonsense!

Grey rock her.

If you feel cooler or more distant towards her as a result of her selfish behaviour - that’s on her!

She may calm down eventually. But if she doesn’t and bears a grudge I’d maintain my distance tbh.

Ignore the nasty posters on here blabbing stupidly on about free childcare.

Do what’s best for you and your family.

In fact I’d be tempted to move more quickly (rent a flat) to get this drama out of the way.

Her bonkers and deeply selfish reaction is a great reason to flee. She is entirely and completely responsible for her own behaviour. "Look what you made me do is coercive and abusive" and nobody is to blame for this except her.

You cannot change her, so avoid her and ignore her, run as fast as you can and never look back.

Refusing to allow your kids to be smothered by a loony, manipulative emotional vampire is absolutely fine.

MIL is behaving like a lunatic having a nervous breakdown because the OP doesn't want to be shackled to her.

Two options - either MIL is putting it on to try to bully and manipulate the OP into giving up her dreams or MIL is actually a nutter having a complete melt down.

If MIL is putting it on she doesn't deserve to see any of them.

If MIL is an actual nutter having an actual melt down she shouldn't be spending any time around the kids until she gets psychiatric help and gets stable as this is NOT normal adult behaviour and kids aren't comfort blankets for loony relatives.

Men who hit women and then say "Look what you made me do" are wife beaters. MILs who crack the shits and weep in their room endlessly because they don't get their own way are emotional abusers.

If she's not actually crackers, MIL has the choice to behave herself.

Nobody has remotely suggested she can't see the OPs children provided she calms down and chooses to act normally and understand that other people don't exist to please her.

@Newchapterbeckons sadly the thought of hurting me supercedes the needs of the children .. in this case the child won't miss what they never had. Maybe they will ask questions when they are older and find out I exist from their cousins 🤔

To this day I don't know what I did wrong, probably said no for once to my adult offspring who only contacted me when they wanted something 😞