MIL crisis - moving away

[AnonRR]

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

I don't condone her behaviour but getting wound up by it isn't going to help your relationship with her. Even though you feel a bit resentful about it, please just try being kind and empathetic to her. Go and visit her on your own, take her some flowers and show her some love. And explain why this isn't unreasonable, you aren't moving to the other side of the world, you will come and visit, she can come and visit you and you will regularly have online chats so she can see the grandchildren. But firmly explain that it's time you were nearer to your family now - you know it'll be difficult for her but it really will be ok. And then finally say that you don't want to discuss the matter any more as she is upsetting you, it's making you feel resentful towards and her it's affecting your relationship with her which you don't want. Surely a more gentle and empathetic attempt at understanding how she is feeling and addressing it in that way is better than doing it in anger? It's worth a shot and if she still pushes back you can justifiably refuse to engage about the matter any further.

Shes understandably upset. She needs reassurance that you will see her regularly. But you are perfectly entitled to move wherever you want and ahe is being very dramatic

She's a generous and lovely woman - When everything is on her terms. Yep, there's a lot of parents like that around I'm afraid.

She has already shown her unforgivable selfish streak when guilt trip her son on his party.

As a parent, your first priority is the happiness of children - especially when they are grown and can make their own decisions that you do not have a right to influence.

So very straight talking is needed here along the lines of

1. You were quite happy for my parents to live 2 hours away from their DGC, so what has changed now?
2. You have a right to be upset about missing your DGC but to the point where you make us feel bad about about a totally fair and reasonable decision.
3. The move IS going to happen, so you can sulk , be selfish and be dramatic and upset everyone, or be happy and excited for us and get involved in planning fun visits in the future.

I really dislike people who are only ' kind and generous' in a performative way that benefits them. Hopefully you can move past this, but I wager neither you or your DH will forget how selfish and cruel she has been.

Your circumstances are very similar to our situation. I moved to another city for a job and fully intended to just let it be a short term thing but met someone within a couple of months of moving there and 10 years later, 2 houses, a wedding and a 2.5 year old, I was still there. After everything that happened with Covid and not seeing family for months, I suddenly realised we were denying ourselves making wonderful memories with my family. Those spontaneous Sunday afternoons when everyone pops round for a few hours, instead it felt like a military operation to visit home and took up the full weekend.

My PIL are over a decade older than mine but they act a good generation older, they are unsupportive and frankly boring people. we have a great time with my family and I wanted our child to grow up around cousins and have the support I had growing up. We also wanted another child and my PIL were getting too old to look after a toddler and I certainly wouldn’t leave a baby with them. We’ve now been ‘home’ nearly 2 years and have that second baby. It was the best decision we ever made.

Regardless of what PIL said, we were absolutely going. Any supportive parent would be sad but if they want what is best for you then they will keep it to themselves and just tell you that you will be greatly missed but will be sure to schedule in regular visits and trips out. As my DM said ‘they got to have you for a long time, it’s our time to enjoy you for 10 years now’.

Just bear in mind, my PIL have announced they are putting their house on the market 😐 no mention of where they are moving to but if I had to hazard a guess…

Toxic controlling MIL. Move well away. This ‘victim’ business was always going to emerge. It is terrible how some women - mothers of boys mostly- turn into the most manipulative and awful creatures when a daughter in law arrives on the scene. I am already red-flagging the signs of these MIL types with my teenage daughter. Est of luck with your move!

At the end of the day we have to live our lives for ourselves and not our parents. Simple as that.

And at the end of the day every parent should want that for their child. I’ve had and still have my life, I wouldn’t expect my child to live their life for me as well

Love this

Your MIL is a manipulative bully. You cannot lead your life for her.
Stay strong and do what's right for you, not her.
You can't live your life with regret

What help do you need? Just find a property you like and move. You're husband is in agreement. Your being perfectly reasonable. Continue in that vain. It's not up to you to manage your MIL, it's up to her to manage her emotions. Let her sulk.