MIL crisis - moving away

[AnonRR]

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

This. I'm a MIL and look after my grandson once a week. I have a lovely life and I would fill the hole him moving away would leave , but I am not made of stone. On mumsnet all MILs are to be treated like shit. A bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss.

Exactly the same thing happened to me - right down to the same county! I lived in Kent for over ten years just down the road from the PILs. During that time my dad died and my mum was diagnosed with a terminal disease.

When we decided to move back closer to my mum, MIL went mad. Stopped talking to us in the end. We moved anyway. We visited recently and she told us she’d never get over it and she needed counselling to deal with the loss.

We are 2 hours drive away. The same distance I was from my parents for 10 years. She’s refusing to come and see us and is now not talking to us again. This suits me down to the ground.

This thread seems to be bringing out the ‘difficult’ MILs.

she is been dramatic and a bit of a manipulative bully. You have every right to move nearer your family (who have had to travel to see you etc). 2 hours is nothing - assume she would be able travel to where you are? I.e. 2 hours by car but she can’t drive etc. 5 hours by bus or train.

Be as sympathetic as you can, take it as a complement she values you all in her life and enjoys spending time with you all, your dh needs to tell her she is important to you all too but it is happening as you have decided as a family it is the best thing for everyone, perhaps make suggestions to soften the blow (offer visits etc).

It is probably better moving as soon as is practical so it is not drawn out, and where possible try to avoid discussing in-between.

I'd never think of something that clever

I love the way your mind works pp!

My mum was like this, moved 400 miles away.

She took about a year to "forgive", now she just pops on the train and comes to visit whenever she wants and she loves it as it's a new place to visit (two major cities right by us) and helps with the kids and when it gets to much and she gets tired off she hops on the Train home.

Tell your mil to stop being daft!

I think you should be a bit more understanding. Yes, she reacted badly but it’s a very difficult situation to handle.
Also your move doesn’t look like you are moving for work or for bigger house or more opportunities for children. It looks like the only reason is to move from her to your parents. I get that you always wanted to come back home etc etc. but I can’t see clear argument in your post for moving, it’s just that you don’t like it here and you want to go back home. Which is fair enough but for your MIL you are making emotional decision so in a way she is entitled to give you an emotional response.
I get that your MIL is an emotional type but even though she would have responded better if she were presented with more solid arguments.

Which is fair enough but for your MIL you are making emotional decision so in a way she is entitled to give you an emotional response.

What nonsense is this?

Yes, the childcare won't be needed anymore.

A couple of hours away is nothing! But even if you moved to NZ or wherever, and as upset as she could be, she has to breathe slowly, and support you in your decision. She should not be emoitionally blackmailing you like this.

So it's been perfectly acceptable for OP to be X distance from her own mum an dad for all these years, but not acceptable for them to now be closer to OP's mum, out of fairness, and the same X distance from MIL.

Ignore her. Tell her she's being selfish, entitled and ridiculous.

We can absolutely afford a bigger house if we moved... the main reason my DH is very happy to oblige!

Except the OP is expecting another - not the cynical move you're suggesting.

They don't need to give anybody any reasons for what they want to do. It's not really up for discussion.

OP I'd be tempted to very sincerely thank her for making the move so much easier for you all every time she behaves negatively about it.

Depends. If you've used her a lot for childcare in the past (I know you say just one day a week currently) then I'd think it was a bit rich to leave her now.

I know someone whose mum looked after all 3 of their kids, fulltime (!) til they went to school and then they all upped and left to go to Australia. If my kids did that to me, they'd be written out of my will, no doubt.

She'll miss her son and grand daughter. Living round the corner with casual day to day contact and a full day caring for DD each week isn't remotely the same as a planned visit from time to time when your commitments allow, which realistically won't be that often with busy lives and your own family on the doorstep. So however much you sell it as you'll see more of her, she isn't daft. She knows it's going to be a big change.
However it's entirely reasonable for you to live wherever you choose, and its her job to hide her feelings and let her son live his life without guilt or worry about her. Hopefully when she's got used to the idea and realises she's powerless to prevent it she'll stop this behaviour. Meanwhile, there's not a great deal you can do but ignore it. Nothing you can say will make it better.

Have you pointed out that she can visit you when she wants? A two hour drive is hardly a rarity to manage!

Where are you moving to? I may be biased as I am from Kent but I can't think of anywhere better to raise children. Good schools, London one side, the coast on the other and the best future opportunities for your DC. There is a reason houses are cheaper elsewhere! I do like where I live now but if I could afford it I would be there in a heartbeat!

Your post is all about you, nothing about how this move would benefit your DC. You don't like MIL but how will your DC react to being further away? Do they have much of a bond with your DPs?

I think you have to make your own decision, but I might feel rather sorry for your MIL under certain circumstances. Is she a widow? Has she been providing childcare. My mum was there at my kids birth, did an awful lot of childcare, helping out/running around and as a widow would have been utterly bereft if I had taken the kids away.

I can absolutely understand her feeling so bereft, and I don't think anyone can tell her she oughtn't to feel like that - even if this is a common and predictable scenario. However, she clearly shouldn't be so manipulative and unpleasant about it. It doesn't sound like there's going to be any way that she will stop - just telling her it's uncalled for is unlikely to cut through her distress and what sounds like well-established patterns of behaviour.

I think all you can do is move and move quickly, not because she's a monster to get away from, but because all this anticipation is worsening it for everyone. Thinking about an unhappy event to come is agony. It's better to get it over with and then she can start adjusting to the new reality, which inevitably won't be as bad as she fears. I'd just ignore what you can for now, don't bring the subject up unless forced, shut it down quickly and just go as fast as you can.

What a bloody ridiculous woman! I would try to ignore her and just move as you planned and set boundaries. How entitled. It is not even too far and she can visit on the train. This could only get worse with your second child.

I have a friend whose son from university comes to see her every weekend. 3 hrs journey and I fear the woman who marry him is going to suffered because I have a feeling the mum puts pressure on him to do the journey. Begging for love is never a good idea or ends well. We do not own our children so she is very selfish.

She may miss you guys but it’s exactly the same for your side of the family. She’s had 11 years of you and dh living on her doorstep.

The wait till I die comment is hilarious you’re nearly 70 and unless she’s elderly old could go another decade or even two.

Move feel no guilt phones call in both directions and cars travel both ways too.

Those of us from the North might beg to differ. The OP has already indicated that one benefit is the chance to have a much better house.