MIL crisis - moving away

[AnonRR]

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

Years ago, after l'd been divorced after an abusive marriage (so no children, no ties), then very seriously ill and being genuinely grateful that l survived, I decided l needed a fresh start in life in a new place. Took redundancy from work and moved 100 miles away from 'home'. I'd never lived anywhere else besides a mile away from where l was born.
My mother was not happy. She said "You can't move until you sell your house," but l rented in my new location, until my house back home was sold.
She refused to speak to me on the telephone, and put the phone down if l rang her.
I was working 5/6 days on alternate weeks, but l drove back 'home' every week on my (sometimes only) day off to see her. A four hour (at least) round trip.
When l got there l was offered coffee, but l had to make it myself. I was never offered any food, even though l'd usually arrive at lunchtime.
After the first time, l bought a sandwich at the supermarket and I'd have that while l was there. She never commented on it. (One of my cousins was there on one occasion and couldn't believe l hadn't been offered anything to eat after driving over 2 hours to get there, and knowing l had the same drive back) That was making the point that it had been my choice to move that far away.
She asked if l was 'going back home' after six months. I couldn't, l had signed a 12 month lease on my apartment, and had a new job.
My previous job had been with one of the emergency services (working shifts, which had actually contributed to my ill health, both physical and mental), so not one where l could just drop everything and pop in randomly at five minutes notice. l actually saw more of her after l moved, as l made sure l visited every week.
She never forgave me for what she saw as me 'abandoning' her. She'd taken my ex husband's side when we split, despite knowing about the abuse, he'd even admitted it to her.
We'd never been close, and she'd never supported me, and I felt a degree of guilt about moving away, but l had to do it for my own mental health.
You're not moving to Australia, OP. Of course she's understandably upset about not seeing her grandchild every week, but 1.5-2 hours drive is do-able in a day. I did it for quite a long time. You have to make, and live, your own life.
If you don't go, you'll grow more and more resentful. I was at that stage by the time l moved.
I wish you and your family every happiness in your new home. Enjoy it. x

Is there anytime that she behaves less emotionally that you are able to ask her how she thinks her reactions are impacting everyone? Or be able to calmly tell her how when she does / says X it causes Y? It honestly sounds like she’s been able to get away with using an extreme reaction to get what she wants because it’s so different from her usual lovely self. It’s either she’s an arch manipulator using her loveliness to get what she wants (and when that doesn’t work switches to extreme behaviour) or she’s never learnt to emotionally regulate herself to not getting her way. Either way you can’t fix her - she doesn’t see a problem. It’s her children that need to address this - not the DILs. What is your DP plan to manage this?

Arghhh manipulative shrew.

Ignore the emotional blackmail and enjoy moving back home.

I wouldn't entertain her amateur dramatics.

OP didn't resent the free childcare though. Sure she liked that.

Her son can ‘help’ her. She’s not talking to you, enjoy the peace, honour her wish to not bother with you, not sure why you’re giving the woman so much headspace.

A lot of bitter people are turning up…

Absolutely not. Would have happily paid for another day of nursery, and could afford it. But it would be too upsetting to MIL so we relented!

It was a case of picking our battles knowing a future move was on the cards...

Your post is all about you, nothing about how this move would benefit your DC.

But you know what? As long as the move doesn’t have a serious detrimental impact on OP’s kid, the OP is allowed to move because it makes her own life better. Not every life decision parents make has to be “for the children.” OP did eleven years living in a place she didn’t really want to live in. Her parents are just as important as grandparents as MIL is.

I’m sure it’ll be a big adjustment for OP’s kid. But so is starting school, and a new baby in the family.

Good grief! I'm her age and am gallivanting around the world!

You have to live your own life Op; you can't sacrifice yours to dance to her tune.

She’s exactly like my mother. Those are narcissistic/bpd traits and as I’m sure you know, there’s no point trying to reason with her. It’s like dealing with a small child.

It’s ok for people to say ignore it but she’ll just ramp up the behaviour and wreck your relationships with the rest of the family.

I think all you can do is move and move quickly, not because she's a monster to get away from, but because all this anticipation is worsening it for everyone. Thinking about an unhappy event to come is agony. It's better to get it over with and then she can start adjusting to the new reality, which inevitably won't be as bad as she fears. I'd just ignore what you can for now, don't bring the subject up unless forced, shut it down quickly and just go as fast as you can.

This is what l did. I signed the lease on my new place, paid my deposit and 6 months rent up front, booked the removal company, then told my mother l'd be moving the week after. It wasn't up for discussion.

I think you’re being very over dramatic about living 1.5-2 hours away from ‘home’ for 11 years to be honest. You can however of course move anywhere you like

Don't get TOO big a house when you move, OP, IYSWIM.

69 - she's 70 in March and we've already "ruined her birthday". I'm not dropping in these quotes to have a dig... Just to demonstrate the variety of things she is saying to DH
I'm 66 this year, OP, and l'm still working. Your MIL's not in her 90s. Being in your sixties isn't 'old' these days, like it was when my grandma was that age.
That's the kind of thing my mother would have said, though.

She’s just behaving like a typical MN MIL.
Next thing she’ll be ‘ demanding’ that you stay.
Has she mentioned suicide. That’s the next thing.

I’ve been on MN years, all MN MIL’s are like that.
It’s MN rule 142b.
HTH.

MIL has chosen to not do anything with her retirement other than wait for grandchildren to appear so there has been pressure from Day Dot to give her "the only life she has ever seen for herself". This in in spite of FIL being adventurous and wanting to go on holidays etc, but she says no. We both feel incredibly sorry for him dealing with the fall out but he has been nothing but absolutely supportive of our plans

Wow, I could have written this about my MIL. Same sentiment from my MIL, same desires and reactions from FIL, same sorrow for my FIL. Crazy how this happens.

My MIL has said she wants her life to be about her DC and GDC now that she's retired. She doesn't have any hobbies, and she has no friends. Just neighbours that she's friendly with, and siblings who are increasingly busy and preoccupied with their own families.

I think she feels that she didn't get to spend enough time with her DC because she had to work (neither of her DILs do, both made financial sacrifices to be SAHMs). In reality, what this has meant since her retirement is that she wants all of her children and grandchildren around her, in her home, for every birthday, Christmas and other family celebration. She manipulates each of her DC to achieve this, telling one of them x and other one y. She puts pressure on us all to go to every cousin's wedding so we can all troop in together behind her. She wants us to leave our DC with her during their summer holidays (um, we'd like to enjoy our own children when they're not cranky and tired from school, please and thank you?).

The upshot is that she's pushed us all away. My DH told her in very clear terms, impossible to mistake, that what she wants isn't going to happen so she should start looking for hobbies, or do an online course or whatever else to stay busy. As it is, after 2023's shenanigans, we have already made plans to ensure we are nowhere near her for significant dates in 2024 bar one local holiday. It's very sad. She's a nice enough woman - but as my DH says, she can't continue to "steal" our enjoyment of our DC because she thinks she didn't get enough of it with her own (and she does steal, she doesn't share).

Mate, you have a three year old. You are surely able to deal with this toddler tantrum from MIL.

Ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good.

She isn’t your problem. Don’t ask unnecessarily how she is or acknowledge her meltdown. Just carry on making your plans and keep the details to yourself so she can’t meddle.

Yanbu. Tell her your mum has been in her room crying for 11 years since you left and you have to go back to appease her.

Realistically she is scared she won't be close to you dh and ds anymore. Get a date in the diary for visiting asap, make an effort with facetime to dc etc. The reality won't be as bad as she imagines and she will get over it.

OP you say she has form for reacting like this to other people doing things she doesn’t agree with, so what’s the end result in those other cases? Is she over your BiL having his birthday party at his own home? Does she talk to him and visit, or is it scorched earth and “BiL is dead to me” declarations still?

I’m wondering if you might be taking it a bit too seriously. Obviously the histrionics are annoying, but are they just temporary? Once you’ve moved and you come to visit a few times and invite her to stay, and generally settle into a routine where she still gets a fair bit of time with you’d DGC, is she likely to be giving you the cold shoulder and blanking her son? Or is she going to be an involved and loving grandparent (who maybe just cant help the odd “If only you lived closer…” remark once in a while)?

If I did this, i would expect my mil to act the same. She has looked after my kids once a week since they were 1. She would be heartbroken. And I'd completely understand. It wouldn't change my decision if that's what I wanted to do, but I'd cut her some slack.

Wait, which is it? MIL is beside herself because she isn’t bothered about her grandchild and felt put upon for childcare? That doesn’t make sense.

Or - you’re trying to say OP doesn’t need childcare now that her child is school-age? Because, of course, that makes sense, working parents have zero issues with all of the time out for school holidays, half days, sickness etc. In fact, if OP needed childcare, aren’t the school years much harder?

It couldn’t be that you’re just trying to stick the (random) boot in could it? No, that couldn’t be the case could it?

It will be hard to get a balance view here, as mil seems to be the spawn of satan on mumsnet.

just take a step back, ignore the drama and do what you need to do. she is sad and upset, and that’s ok, anything more and ask dh to have a word.

I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. She’s being incredibly manipulative but presumably is very close to her granddaughter and will miss her massively. That doesn’t — of course — excuse her behaviour but I can see it might be a real wrench for her.

I think the only thing you can do, OP, is ignore her and let your DH deal with her; in time she’ll have to accept it. But please stick to your guns here and don’t back down to keep her happy!

She sounds like my mother. I eventually (in my 30s) got a backbone and did what I wanted anyway. You can’t let her determine what you do. If she’s really bereft she can move with you. My mum moved to be nearer to us (mixed blessing) and her parents moved to be closer to her. You have to live your life. But I do sympathise with having to fend off the emotional blackmail, it’s awful.

My friends were in a similar situation.

Except for the fact MIL and FIL weren't overreacting psychopaths and instead sold their house and moved to be close by to them.

Didn't happen overnight, because of course you have to plan and arrange a lot of things. But it worked out well for everyone.

May be worth mentioning to her, if she refuses to move then that's on her, tough luck and guess she doesn't care as much as she's making out.