To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

[wpur]

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

Tbh it’s more time than he’s getting to himself isn’t it?

I wouldn’t accept this and I might even find it suspicious.

For a 9 month contact that you knew he done Sat admin before you were pregnant then yeah I think YABU. When is he supposed to do his admin?

It’s not ideal but it sounds like the best way around things at the moment. It’s not as if he is staying to go out on the piss.

I think the thing is to try it? Take him up on staying out all day, clear your head and then think about it some more?

I mean you knew he had to do Saturday admin before you had a baby together?

it doesn’t sound like he’s exactly having a jolly working 6 days a week and travelling too.

the staying in bed all day until your daughter goes to bed though is the thing for me… doesn’t he want to spend time with her?

Doesn't sound good. He should want to be with his family tbh. Sounds like an excuse to have a relaxed day on Saturday without interruptions. I'm sure he could condense his work as much as possible, do admin during the weekday evenings to clear time at the weekend?

In the short term, can you just get through it until the end of the contract but have a proper chat about why it doesn't work for you and how you can change it in the future?

Bless you, that sounds so so tough. It sounds like he's doing the most he can in the circumstances though. When does this contract end? I think you need to ride it out but insist that you will not stand for it again in his next position. Lean on family and friends as much as possible.

I was a single parent of 1 toddler and 1 baby so I know what you're going through. It's soul crushing and it's difficult not to spiral and blame everyone for not doing enough to help you, when you're on your knees.

Do you work OP?

I think it sounds fair - when does he get any down time.

even the most hardworking people I know, who pull all-nighters and work weekends in the law and accountancy for the big firms never have to do all day every single Saturday for years at a time without fail.

are you sure there isn’t another family or something going on? I find this incredibly suspicious. I fail to see how anyone could have that much regular “admin”

How senior is he that he has to work all day on Saturday every week? Seems deeply implausible to me. Sounds like he is completely checked out.

I think if you want a better balance then (given the nature of his job) you would need to move with him. If you prefer to stay put, which is perfectly reasonable, then the way things are seems pretty unavoidable to me if I'm honest.

If he works for the NHS then he will have contracted hours. What are those? If it's 37 and a half hours Monday to Friday for example then if he can't get his admin done within this there is something far wrong with his workload

What is he doing with his evenings when he is away? He's not doing any family stuff so he should be clearing his admin then.

I’d ask him to come home Friday and do some admin st home. But also to do some admin I’m the evenings when he is not parenting so that he can do less at the weekend

This.

Admin at night after dinner. Home on a Friday night for the weekend

There’s no reason he can’t do admin in the evenings given he has no childcare responsibility whatsoever. This is completely unacceptable. I work long hours and often have to work weekends but I do everything possible to avoid it - I work to 10/11pm during the week when needed or before the kids get up. He’s avoiding childcare. He could be at home Saturday doing the morning and evening with your child even if he couldn’t avoid Saturday work (which seems unlikely).

does he get paid for working on a Saturday? If not this sounds like he’s not working in the best way now that you’ve got a DC together. I literally don’t know anybody who works every Saturday and isn’t contracted to do so. He needs to find a way of working more efficiently than working every Saturday as standard (unless of course he’s literally the health secretary?!)

I think he's being completely ridiculous - even if the all day Saturday admin is truly unavoidable (and is it really?! surely he could be keeping up with at least some of it in all those free evenings he has during the week) then he could still come home on Friday and be able to see you and LO on Saturday morning before he starts, at lunchtime etc

I think the issue isn't that what he is proposes is unreasonable. It's the best option available in the circumstances. The problem is that the overall set up results in a poor quality of life for all of you. I wouldn't want to live like this long term and wouldn't deem whatever your DH is earning worth the sacrifice. If it's really just for 9 months I'd suck it up. But what's the long term plan, has he just accepted he'll always work 6 days a week? That's not something I'd want with a young family unless you were on the breadline, and I'd be discussing whether you could make things work with him in a different type of role for the next few years, even if it meant a pay cut.

Um his down time will be every evening while he’s away and Op is taking care of his child?

Another vote for him doing admin in the evenings if he's away.

Whenever I go away with work I do long hours (as I don't have anything else to do) so that I have more flexibility to take time off and spend extra time at home when I'm back.

He sounds like he needs to review his priorities tbh.

If you take the offer of Sunday as a day off then at what o9

I think it depends what his job is. If he is working really long shifts in the week and literally has no other option to write up notes on Saturday, and it takes an entire day, then there isn't much more he can do (though wouldn't it be better if he was at home doing that - at least you can eat together, or you can go out Saturday night with friends knowing there is another adult in the house).

If he has got an office based role that's normal hours, and he has a lunchbreak, and time to himself to do other stuff after work, then yanbu as he could just do an hour or so of admin every day and have Saturdays off.

Yanbu to be annoyed he isn't home on a Saturday as he could do admin from home. But you may be unreasonable getting annoyed that he has hardly any spare time, depending on the nature of your job

*his job