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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

504 replies

wpur · 29/01/2024 11:16

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 29/01/2024 12:08

This is a tricky one as it sounds like he is working incredibly hard, had a change in circumstances after you had started your family, and is being hands on on the day he is home. But long term this isn’t sustainable for your marriage and family life and once this contract ends, he needs to decide whether to take a slightly less intense job and have more family time to keep his family together, or risk it falling apart if he’s barely ever around.

And as others have said, if he’s able to get any of this Saturday admin done during the weekday evenings and get back earlier on the weekend, he should absolutely be doing this.

andthat · 29/01/2024 12:08

Totally this.
I'm in a very senior role and admin, every Saturday? Literally no one does it.

He must be totally incapable of managing his workload. Or actively avoiding family life…

bridgetreilly · 29/01/2024 12:09

I think you have to suck it up for the 9 months but you need to insist things change after that. Even if that means a pay cut.

paramountminus · 29/01/2024 12:13

At least if he got home on Friday night you'd be able to snatch some moments of time together and for him to see his DC briefly sometime on a Saturday. My DH was WFH for ages and I'd just see him for a coffee at an arranged time, a quick lunch then he'd be free by the evening but I'd leave him to get on with it. Being a workaholic and leaving your partner to be a lone parent most of the time is a killer. He is not present in any sense by the sounds of it.

C00k · 29/01/2024 12:14

A lot of ‘pointless’ and ‘no point’ in the OP. Sounds like an accurate description of this ‘marriage’.

0nceMoreUntoTheBreach · 29/01/2024 12:14

If he has a really big fancy job, and you work too, do you earn enough between you to get live in help? That might help for a while until he comes back.

Or you could move to where he is.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/01/2024 12:17

What is he doing with his evenings when he's away working? Surely he could do the admin then?

Itsbeginingtolookalotlikexmas · 29/01/2024 12:17

If he works late on the weekdays I don’t really see what else he can do. You choose to have a family with someone who works long hours so I don’t know why you’re surprised.
You could demand he changes career but I can’t see that being practical.

sensationalsally · 29/01/2024 12:18

YABU. You know all of his work commitments before you had dd. His contract is only 9 months, and he is doing you a favour offering you a day off - you don't have to take it. Suck it up.

Wingham · 29/01/2024 12:18

I can see you are neither getting family time or getting some time to yourself
So
For more family time move nearer his work or when the 9month contract is up whatever he finds ( hopefully more permanent) you move near work then.
For the time to yourself why not go back to work. Even just a few days will give you a break.

AbbeFausseMaigre · 29/01/2024 12:18

This completely hinges on 1) what his working week looks like Mon-Fri and 2) the nature and extent of this admin work.

If he is working 9-5 Mon to Fri he is taking the piss and should be doing admin in the evenings.

If the admin work is discretionary, or could be completed in considerably less time if he chose to work more efficiently, he is taking the piss and should be prioritising his wife and family time.

If he is working gruelling 16 hour days and then has another 10 hours of essential admin on top of this, then the compromise he has suggested sounds reasonable.

Sarvanga38 · 29/01/2024 12:18

Even if the poor soul really is this over-worked, surely he should want to be at home to see snatches of his wife and child, eat meals with them, sleep in same bed as his wife?

The fact that he doesn't want to do this, and is then not even keen to spend the day he is home with his wife (happy for her to go out for the day or 'do her own thing at home') rather than just his child would be alarm bells to me.

drowninginsick · 29/01/2024 12:18

Amba1998 · 29/01/2024 11:22

I mean you knew he had to do Saturday admin before you had a baby together?

it doesn’t sound like he’s exactly having a jolly working 6 days a week and travelling too.

the staying in bed all day until your daughter goes to bed though is the thing for me… doesn’t he want to spend time with her?

He's not in bed? Op has the choice to do whatever she wants I think he stays all day until DD is in bed?

Op it sounds rough but what else can you do? It does seem pointless him coming to do the admin at home and as dd gets older she will be banging at the door trying to get his attention

wellhello24 · 29/01/2024 12:20

Hee avoiding his dad duties. A lot of men do this

Georgyporky · 29/01/2024 12:21

Why can't he do his "admin" on weekday evenings ?

Scirocco · 29/01/2024 12:22

@wpur unfortunately that just sounds like life in the NHS at the moment.

Working long hours, away from home, loads of additional admin in your 'own' time... That's what a lot of people have to do. A day of dedicated family time or 1:1 parent-child time would be considered a win by lots of NHS employees.

Maybe you could discuss with him if there could be options to take jobs closer to home or do compressed or reduced hours in his next post?

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 29/01/2024 12:22

I know a female consultant doctor who has children. She has never avoided family life with this type of ‘admin’ crap excuse.

Flottie · 29/01/2024 12:23

Tbh what he’s proposed is fair. The Saturday admin has always been around and it makes sense he does it at work there’s probably less distraction and he gets it done quicker.

Also you getting one day off is more than he’s getting! He’s working 6 days then offering to take on the childcare on a Sunday. Sorry but I’ve read posts on here where women are in far worse situations than you in terms of what their husband does.

GladiatoooorsReadyyyy · 29/01/2024 12:24

Did he have this essential Saturday admin in his previous role AND his new role? I find that very hard to believe to be honest.

If he’s working away all week he should be using his evenings to do the admin and come home for the full weekend.

stayathomer · 29/01/2024 12:25

The whole work life balance thing is huge when you have kids. If he finds something equivalent money that is permanent I think you’d have to reconsider moving, or else he needs to settle for less money and in your area (not a bad thing by any means, sure commuting costs get us!)

olympicsrock · 29/01/2024 12:25

I worked away for the NHS for a year . I did try to get everything done in the evenings but was at that point in my career when I needed to work hard to move up a level. It was so much quicker to do the work where I had access to all the It systems and multiple screen etc. Sometimes I caught up on sleep as the long commute and 5am Monday am starts took it out of me.
If you trust him and know that he is working hard I would not give him a hard time. He will be finding it tough too.

Scirocco · 29/01/2024 12:26

Georgyporky · 29/01/2024 12:21

Why can't he do his "admin" on weekday evenings ?

If he's in a job like mine, he probably is. There just isn't enough time in evenings to get it all done.

PegasusReturns · 29/01/2024 12:27

No one needs to work those hours routinely, they choose to.

sometimes it’s because the job/project is in jeopardy

sometimes it’s because they’re ambition for a particular promotion/recognition

sometimes it’s because they are a workaholic.

after years together it’s likely the last: he will likely never change. You will never compete with any job, there’ll always be more admin, more pressure, less time for you and DC. You need to make a decision as to how you want your future to be.

Personally I’d leave

VanessaShanessaJenkins99 · 29/01/2024 12:27

I thought you said that his contract was for 9 months? But he has been away for 11 already going by you daughters age?

HollyKnight · 29/01/2024 12:27

Have you posted about him before? Is he's the doctor in the niche role?