To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

[wpur]

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

I understand how you can feel resentment as he gets time away from the home and childcare, but remember he's working. You say he's high up in the NHS, that will be a stressful, time consuming and tiring role. I'm sure he would rather not work such long hours, but I'm equally sure you're happy with his wage coming in so you can be at home with your child.

Exactly. The man has been very clear that he does not want to parent or be around OP. He’s literally left them.

This was me when I was a ‘fellow’. I wasn’t avoiding family life . It wasn’t a crap excuse. I was just working my arse off.

What does his admin consist of, exactly, OP? (Do you even know? - if not I suggest you ask, it would not be unreasonable to find out)
You say he's a workaholic.
Any anxiety in there causing over-checking of things done, over-preparation of things to come?
Or is he just opting out?
I'd have thought high up NHS people have teams to delegate to?

I've never come across an NHS manager doing one day extra, unpaid, per week.

That is the opposite of what she said.

Admin my arse.

It sounds like it's a very difficult life for both of you, I remember speaking to a consultant lately and they said their work life balance was not good at all, I have to add this was a very dedicated consultant really dedicated to their patients, I really felt for this consultant because they are missing out on their children and relationship. So whilst it's hard for you at least you will get that day to yourself where as your partner won't.

I'd be expecting him home on a Friday evening and then for him to leave on Monday. Even if he genuinely has to work all Friday evening and all Saturday including Saturday evening then at least he's in the house with you and you are interacting, eating meals together etc.

Reality is that even if he works for a couple of hours on the friday evening he will be having some downtime.

Why can't he do the admin on a laptop whilst sitting in the same room as you.

If he has got an office based role that's normal hours, and he has a lunchbreak, and time to himself to do other stuff after work, then yanbu as he could just do an hour or so of admin every day and have Saturdays off.

Oh this makes me laugh. Normal hours for senior managers in the NHS is working at least 10 h days, then at least one day over the weekend and that's just to keep you head above water. No time for planning, service improvement, coaching junior colleagues and all the things people tell us we don't do enough of....because there is no time.

I'm a Director in a large acute Trust. I'm working at least 70h weeks. So no, it's not a normal office job and OP is definitely getting more downtime and breaks than her husband.

My IL’s marriage was like this when DH was growing up and let’s just say, MIL was miserable and they eventually split when DH reached 18.

You’re essentially a single parent with a Dad who pops in like a typical Disney dad one day a week to entertain your child. You said it’s temporary yet it sounds like it’s been this way since your DD was born and she’s 1.5 years old. He must have a cracking life only parenting one day a week… I couldn’t deal with this at all, total dealbreaker for me. You don’t have a child with someone with a view to raising that child basically alone.

I would be very concerned if my husband worked away from home 6 days a week and then on the only day per week we could be together, he is offering to go out with the child and not spend it with me. Only sleeping in the same bed 1 night per week. I think any husband committed to his marriage and wanting to be a hands on Dad would leave super early on a Monday morning and be on their way home as soon as they finished on a Friday. Try to get 50% of their admin done midweek evenings and then only do a few hours of admin on a Saturday morning. If he genuinely works such long hours that he can’t get the admin done midweek, plus he is in a senior position, then he need to be talking to his employer/manager about getting some admin assistance.

On a side note you say that you are currently living close to your family…….. as a short term fix could a family member have your daughter for a few hours on a Saturday so that you could have a break, then still keep Sunday as a family day?

There’s this of course.

Why can’t any admin be done in the evenings?

I think you need to move. It just isnt working with the two of you being apart like this. I don't think he is being unreasonable but why are you putting being near your family over being with your husband. This isn't good for a relationship.

YADNBU! Wheres your family life? Even if he took your DC Sunday, you just wouldn't see him, he needs to bloody prioritise his family now he's a parent, a mother sure as shit wouldn't be tolerated doing this.

As PPs have said, do the bloody admin in the evenings and get home Friday night, you need a full weekend together if he's away all week, otherwise he needs to find another job, he's missing his baby growing up FGS, he needs to tell work his workload is completely unmanageable otherwise if it can't be done within his contracted hours.

How far away is he for this job? I think that's relevant. But overall,I agree - he should return home Friday night. If he has to work, at home, Saturday, fine, but one assume he's not working from 7am-6pm?

What is he doing with his free evenings during the week? He should do his admin then.

It’s the compartmentalising here that seems to be a real “dad privilege”. That he never has to multi task or fit bits of work into time when he isn’t feeling at his best.

Ask yourself this- do you have an understanding of what exactly he is doing when he has all this “admin” to do? Or does he patronise you and say you’d never understand, and close down questions? Even if he is a doctor and the info about individual patients is confidential, he should be able to give you full information about why this work takes so long and has to be done every Saturday.
My suspicion is that he has always been chronically inefficient (hence the Saturday working carrying over from one job to the next) and is afraid or ashamed to ask his managers for support because he’s been masking it so long. I see it in my industry all the time- people spend 5 hours doing something but only record 2 on their timesheet and never tell their bosses they worked all weekend. In jobs with no fixed hours and no overtime it’s easy to fall into those bad habits.

Then, when your buffer time suddenly disappears because you have other commitments outside work, like a family, you are screwed. Or the family are…

It's hard to sustain a marriage OP when you don't get time together not just as a family but as a couple.

The risk is your lives will end up so separate that you just drift apart and can't fix the gap. I've seen it happen with friends when the DH works away and gradually spends less and less time at home because there's no place for him in daily life.

The idea that he chooses to spend a Saturday away from his family in favour of work would make me very sad.

What's he doing in the evenings during the week? Why can't he do some of his admin then?
You literally have one day a week together under the same roof and he's suggesting you go and do your own thing? Does he not want any family time?

For ober 10 years while we were living overseas Dh invariably worked a 6 day week, and long hours every day, too.

We just got on with it. Sometimes you just have to - unless an easier-hours job with roughly the same money is easy to come by. Often it won’t be.

I didn’t read it as he was staying in bed. I thought the OP meant that he stayed at home all day then left after the daughter had gone to bed.

I feel sorry for the husband, away from home with a stressful job and yet he’s expected to rush home on a Friday when the traffic is appalling, have no down time whatsoever because he’s working in the days, and evening, and then he has to spend the weekend exhausted and trying to keep everyone happy. And to those who say the OP would be better off alone, that’s BS. She would have to find a job, childcare, and be exhausted herself. It sounds like the husband has a well paid job. Lots of married women have to manage a lot on their own, think about the military and oil rigs.

I know lots of NHS consultants and none work such long hours or every weekend. I know one who works late a lot but that is totally optional private work. He employs someone to do the admin

If he's in a similar role to me, then he's already working half the night....or is the poor man not allowed to have dinner or sleep anymore?