To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

[wpur]

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

He had a fixed contract for nine months, after which he will be job hunting, and now he’s been there eleven months, so how is the job hunt going?

When he did the admin at home, did you leave him to get on with it and make sure he wasn’t disturbed by DD or were you inclined to disturb him and expect him to do stuff? I’m wondering why he has changed to doing the admin away.

It does sound incredibly tough, but I’m not sure he’s being unreasonable. To an extent, I think you made a choice to have the local support from family, rather than his time limited support, at least while you were on maternity leave and were mobile. Don’t the family you chose to get support from give you any downtime?

It’s more complicated if you work, of course. I think, in time, it’ll get easier as it’s a very trying time when your children are so young. I hope he manages to find something more permanent and hopefully, closer to home. Do you know what the chances of that happening are? If the chances are low and he needs to go somewhere distant, I think you need to consider moving with him if you want to stay together.

Tough but you knew this before baby

OP, you clearly got what you wanted and moved closer to your family. Clearly the compromise was he would work away during the week and then come back. You can’t have your cake and eat it. You complained a lot about how you want to be close to your family when baby comes but he said from the very start that’s not an option for his career. So he agreed to that. And now you’re complaining he’s not around enough either? Come on!

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Edit as I’m getting confused!

Turn up unexpectedly to surprise him, get a sitter for your child and go alone in case it goes badly, and see if he is where he's supposed to be and what he is actually doing.

But bring him a nice lunch or something in case he really is working and then you can spend a little time together.

@defiant2024

if he’s working, he’s working isn’t he not sitting around eating lunch

Lol another one that thinks he works 9-5 has breaks and a lunch hour.......

She was talking about when he’s doing his admin on the Saturday.

OP did not move.

His old job was near her family.

His new job is far away.

She says that she will not relocate with him because she wants to stay close to her family.

Unless you are taking information from other threads, she has not moved.

I got confused with another poster whose partner was about to be a consultant who also spent Saturdays doing admin, and who was very unhappy that they couldn’t move closer to her family on the other side of the country to get help with the baby because of his work. I misread the OP and assumed it was the same poster. My mistake.

I also suspect this is the same poster. She changes the details a bit each time she starts a thread. The style of writing and the issues are always the same.
There were the Scotland/Birmingham posts a while back - that had something to do with her family I think.
I can't remember the details exactly. It's always the same though - husband high up in the NHS, not spending enough time with her and the child and long-distance usually involved.

OP constantly namechanges and changes the story to suit the replies she wants.

Well, there are choices. What’s more important - family - or what is, essentially, a temp job?

So did he, and he has chosen work over a relationship with his child.

Yeah that’s who I assumed it was as soon as I read the OP. If I recall, they met and lived where he worked, but she wanted to move to where her family lives for help with the baby.

@2Noope

well if you have a family you need money to feed the kids, clothe them, etc so yeah actually the job is really important. It’s not like he’s doing it for the fun of it.

He needs to prioritise getting home on Friday evening.

Actually, that could be quite a nice idea - they could arrange a weekend up where he is for a change. That saves him some travel time too, so more potential for family time.

Why on earth would he want another job in this area when this is the life it gives him.

I don't believe the posters saying OP's partner has no options for any job where he can live at home or see his family more than one day a week.

If he can't do that in health he should look outside health. What life is this?

@Winter2020

a doctor isn’t going to stop being a doctor and move into an unrelated field. It’s rare that happens. Also you do realise that if he were to move into a different field in order to have a decent career which pays ok he will need to do training which often involves having to work a lot of hours, sometimes relocate etc etc

@Winter2020 Well, yes, increasing numbers of people are doing just that. It takes time and planning though, because it likely means a few years of minimal earning.

I understand that, I am alive in this world you know, paying bills etc. But what is the point of having a family if you don’t see them?

And this is yet another reason why we struggle to recruit and retain staff. Quite a few people are deciding to walk away from healthcare because the long hours, pressure and sacrifices no longer feel worth it to them.

Then those vacancies lie unfilled, there are fewer healthcare services available, and people start complaining that doctors need to work harder.

If he did decide that the sacrifices weren't worth it and walked away from medicine as a career, then there'd probably be a lot of people posting about how unreasonable it is for someone to have 'spent taxpayers / NHS money' on education and training only to 'quit'.

In his situation, if he builds a competitive CV then he can hopefully get a substantive post in the next few years (although relocation may be needed) and (as locum contracts are often pretty well paid) there's likely enough money coming in to allow for some outsourcing of childcare, cleaning, etc. Life is still pretty busy in a substantive post, but the long-term nature of it grants some stability and there are often options to introduce a bit more family-friendliness - eg making sure you can start most days at a time that means you can do school drop-offs, or gaps so you can collect your DC and take them to activities sometimes. Alternatively, associate specialist/ specialty doctor jobs can be more compatible with mid-week family life if one's available close to his home.

Walking out of a contract is a big no-no though, and he'd potentially make himself unemployable in his field. I certainly wouldn't rush to hire a locum with form for bailing out mid-way through a contract , not if other, more reliable options were available.

This …

Not that op is coming back but why not move family to where the contacts are.

Paying for 2 residences seems a luxury. Move around with him until he had secure job. Especially if one can work remotely.