To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

[wpur]

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

Is he paid to work Saturdays?

Either way, I'd be upset that he didn't want to be at home for as much time as he could be. Getting home on Friday night would give you all more time together.

The timescales aren't unreasonable - I.e. he works solidly for 6 days & is main parent on a Sunday, sounds quite generous in practice - but the whole situation is just not sustainable.

Yes, you knew he did Saturday admin before getting pregnant, but 1) who knows what parenting is like until you're in it, and 2) didn't he think life would change once children were in the picture?

I'd hate only seeing DH one day a week & that aldo being my only opportunity for downtime. So if you go out with your friends for the day time to yourself you don't see your DH for 2 weeks?

A whole unpaid day to do admin is also bullshit, that way burnout lies.
Unless of course, in reality he's engineered it that way & he's actually doing a bit of work, then chilling in his man-flat and that's his day of R&R - this sounds plausible particularly as he used to come home, but now doesn't.

You need to tell him you've tried it but it's now not working, you're frustrated & lonely & he needs to do something about his piss poor organisation skills which means he 'works' a day for free.

Sorry I glitched!
At what point are you actually spending time together? I'd want to check if he still wants to be married and then suggest a less intense contract next time. It isn't fair to be in an LDR with small children. I know lots of people do (and the military get no say over how long deployment is for) but it isn't something you can fairly demand of someone else. I'd be asking him to prioritise together time for a while soon.

My DH had to work six days a week, very similar, five days away. He should be coming home on Friday. Even sharing a bed will help you to feel closer. Then breakfast Saturday morning and a cuddle with DD. It all adds to the quality of all your relationships.

He has to a do a full day of admin EVERY Saturday. Something smells fishy.

Why is he not doing it in the evening when he's away?

OP didn't say he spends all day in bed on Sunday.

I guess that staying away and doing the 'admin' in his hotel or flat also gives him Friday night out every week too 🤔

He can do his admin weekday evenings can’t he?

What is this admin he’s doing?

Is it work related? Is he on a very high wage to justify the impact on lifestyle? £150k+?

I hear you.

I doesn't sound like a great situation for any of you. And I don't buy some of the comments here saying you're being unreasonable. Unless your DD was an unplanned accident, you both made a conscious choice to parent. At any point, did you both (not just you) stop to consider how that would in practice with a partner working 6 days a week, and now worse, not even there 6 days a week.

It took two of you to make your DD. And sure, him playing dad on Sundays to give you a day off might help him to feel less like an absent father and in his head gives you a rest... Although in practice, I suspect that would be less about you having complete time to yourself to do exactly as you want, it'll more likely free you up to do all the other little jobs that you can't do with a very small person in tow.

Notwithstanding that, it takes two of you to be in a relationship. When do you get to nurture your relationship?

I don't think you are unreasonable to be wondering where this might end up. Is he working double shifts when he's away? If not, what is he doing with the time he's not at work? Could he look at his admin differently and see if there are efficiencies he could make in the week to free up more time in the weekend.

Why can't admin be done in the evening on weekdays when he has hours alone to do it?

I am a sAhm ,I'd kill for a full day to myself,every week ..wow ..
It's only for 9 months then something different

If he’s not coming home on weekdays, why can’t he do admin in the evenings on a weekday??

also, when is he proposing you do something together as a family?

One major question is, why can't he get the job done within the normal working week? He needs to think about either working smarter or pushing for more help. It doesn't really make sense for a senior management person to be doing basic admin tasks.

I don't understand why he isn't doing the admin during the week while he has no evening parenting duties - and if he is 'high up' in the NHS why doesn't he have admin support? This all sounds highly implausible - how long have you known this man, are you sure there isn't another family involved?

I think given the fact this 'weekend admin' is a long-term situation and not just come about, he has offered a reasonable compromise to you. You say yourself it's not his fault he's working away from home.

HOWEVER - without understanding what the admin is, how many hours he works daily, and doing what - I would suggest that for better family relations, he tries to do his admin an hour or so a day during the week while he's away, then travels home on Friday night. If he hasn't got it all done, then he does it in the morning with an agreement he down tools by 1pm and you spend the rest of the day together.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset by the situation but it sounds like he's doing his best, and by saying he'll have the baby all day Sunday while you do whatever you want genuinely what he thinks you want.

Hi, yes I work too. I’m 99% sure there’s nothing funny going on. He’s just a workaholic and always has been.

I read it as he stays until she goes to bed (he is at home and then after she goes to bed he travels back to where he works), not that he stays in bed.

why can’t he do admin in the evenings on a weekday??

Given what the OP has said about his job, my guess would be that he's already working pretty late during the week anyway.

Does he do long days in the week?

I would suggest admin min to Thursday evenings would be more appropriate. Home Friday evening for a late drink/takeaway/cuddle with you after work. Sat morning he takes dd out and comes back around 10 with breakfast for all and then you spend the weekend together. My Dh worked away for much of the children’s early years because it was needed. The ONLY bonus was no commute meant he could get it all done in the week.

What hours does he work during the week? I think if he always plans to work six days a week, his work will definitely fill out six days a week (I presume Saturday is overtime). I speak as a chronic workaholic in jobs where it’s expected you’ll give umpteen unpaid overtime hours, if you’re lucky at the end they’ll bestow on you a pathetic bonus. The pp is right - it’s unreasonable even for a contractor to keep up six day weeks for such a long contract - he won’t be operating at full productivity.

I would say to him that you are finding the parenting relentless, and you miss him too, so please can he commit to coming home on Friday night every other week, and see how that goes. Also if he is working 9 or ten hours a day, let’s say, during the week while he’s away - can’t he do another two hours each evening in his hotel? That would solve his problem and also save one night a week’s hotel cost. He can easily work 7.30am to 6.30pm and then 8.30pm to 10.30pm Mon-Thurs so he can stop early on Fri and have more downtime on Sat - I used to do that plus a commute and maintaining a household. If He is already working insane hours Mon-Fri then you have to ask him - is this really worth it? He will burn out if he is doing mad hours every weekend and throughout the week.

Last point - if it’s just admin, you could research AI tools he could invest in to help him cut through the dross. AI tools can draft minutes, emails, concisely summarise emails and documents, review cvs, maybe even more he can do if you know what kind of admin he is tackling.

Does he not stay Sunday night too? I can't quite work that out from your post, but I think not. I expect it will soon shift to only coming on Sunday for the day.

I'm another in the camp that says this stinks of at least another relationship, possibly worse. Even if that weren't true, he's a selfish disengaged man, and you're probably frankly better off accepting he's not invested in this marriage.

Is he a clinical Consultant or Senior Reg? The workload is mad and the admin in the NHS is overwhelming. It should get better though.

He really needs to be filling his weekday evenings with the amin so he can get home on Friday to see you. He's being very unfair on you, he can't think a Saturday is better spent away from his family than at home with them.