To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

[wpur]

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

I personally think a day to yourself is just fine , most of us don’t have a full day to ourselves. The weird thing is that you both don’t want to ah e a day to both of you or as a family . This is so alien to me as I love to spend time with my partner alone and with the kids

He’s not working 24/7, his down time is in the evenings, every evening after work.

Of he wanted to could do an hour or two admin in the evening and come home Friday evening to see his family.

Makes me laugh and slightly irritated how so many people jump to - affair, second family, drink, drugs, gambling. Not all of these scenarios have to play out like some ITV drama. Not everyone has to be up to no good. He could be a total workaholic which in itself is a problem to address. Stop jumping to terrible unhelpful conclusions.

My opinion is that it is unsustainable in the long term, but you didn't ask that, you asked if it was unreasonable. Since it is a fixed contract then take what he is offering for the break right now and discuss how it may change when the contract is up. It's all you have at the moment to roll with but fortunately there's light at the end of the tunnel when it ends. Of course there is also the helpful advice from PP about him doing an hour or so each night. That could be something to explore.

I've known consultants in the NHS and privately as my mum worked as a medical secretary, and even with her doing admin they still worked constantly as there were just some things she couldn't do on their behalf.

The op has a job and looks after the child 90%of the time. She probably is exhausted! Can't see how the man has the raw deal avoiding almost all family responsibility and every evening to.himself.

My DH’s father worked away for months at a time, in the merchant navy. It was tough for DH’s Mum, with 3 kids, but DH says that the huge upside was that his father had long stretches between postings when he was very very present in their lives for weeks/months, so it balanced out a bit. OP and her child are not getting that balance at all.

Jesus Christ.

If he is so high up then surely you can pay for some support? DH works in senior finance and has to work weekends, so we had a mother's help come in 5 afternoons a week and a Saturday once a fortnight. Not as good as having DH around but at least I wasn't on my own.

This. Totally unacceptable.

My ex-husband was an workaholic. He was loaded. He loved his job waaaaaay more than me. Life was crap.
Now remarried to a man who earns a very modest salary but who puts myself and our daughter before everything else. Life is good. Not easy, but good ♥️

She would have to find a job

OP works

He is having an affair. Time to get your finances in order and make your plans to leave.

Presuming as he is living away he has every evening child free so why isn't he doing his "admin" then?

He should be doing his work during his working hours to be honest.

Sounds like he has checked out of the relationship and fatherhood.

OP has a 17 month old who probably goes to bed relatively early, at which point she also has the evening to herself. Yes, she has to stay at home and I appreciate it's not the same as being child free, but it's also not the same as working in the evening (as some people have suggested DH does).

so you can be at home with your child.

OP works

Doesn't sound good. Seriously what job in nhs is high up enough to need that much admin but low enough they don't employ an admin?
Sounds like he wants to see dd once a week but not keen on seeing you. I'd be at least preparing that he will leave u.

The issue for me here isn't the exact nature of the admin or whatever, it's that he isn't looking at ways to maximise the amount of time he spends with his family, given he has to be away from them for the majority of the time.

For every (decent) working parent I know, that's the goal. How can you organise things so that you get as much time - and preferably "good" time with your kids as you can manage.

If he came home on a Friday night, he'd see OP on Friday night. He'd get to have breakfast with his child, have lunch with her, play with her after the "admin" (OP's quote marks) was done and help to put her to bed. And then get all of the Sunday. OP would be able to go out to do personal errands while the baby was napping, or while her husband took a break from the admin, giving them more time for the whole family on the Sunday.

The fact that he doesn't see value in any of that, and isn't actively seeking to maximise the time he spends at home, would be a very big problem for me.

And like others, I've always tried to keep my kids' waking hours as free from work as I can manage, especially when they were small. It hasn't always worked but the idea of having a scheduled weekend daytime slot for work, rather than using the evenings, is a total anathema to me.

Maybe she's catching up on all her work admin in that time...

Nobody said he stays in bed all day. He stays (at the house) all day.

It's a difficult one. What role does your DH have?

My DH worked away a lot in the early days, but we knew it wouldn't be sustainable when we started a family. I think you might have to relook at his job or where you live and make it work for the long term.

I don't understand the Saturday admin and why he has to do it then? Why doesn't he do it throughout the week? The people I know who work away make sure they do their work during the week so that they are free at the weekend. Why can't he do his admin on Wednesdays and Thursdays evenings?

I do think you need to put forward suggestions of how you want things to change e.g. no admin on Saturday? a meal out a week? A cleaner? A nanny? More days at nursery? Whatever it is that would help you whilst he's away.

She can be "naughty" when she is claiming to be at work.
In exactly the same way that you suspect her DH is.

I read it as he stays at home with them all day Sunday not in bed.

Can't he do his Saturday admin through the week? When he has all this evenings to himself while you're doing bath book bed etc? That way you could have both weekend days, either time to yourself / family time etc

This sounds utterly miserable. Its the kind of scenario i promised myself i would never end up in. Where is the family structure? Where is the bonding between your DH and you DC? Where is the time together for you and your DH?

It doesnt matter how high up he is, how much money he earns, how big your house or your car is, its not worth it if you just 'exist' at home. I know we dont always choose how things work out but he is obviously highly intelligent and must have some extremely valuable skills. I would be making him look at taking a huge time & pay reduction, selling up the big house, getting rid of the big cars and doing everything i could to get a home/work balance that suits the family.

You havent got a DH at the moment, you have a pay cheque.

It sounds like hard work for you both but the financial benefits must be the motivation here.

I assume he is a contractor in the NHS and on an eye watering day rate?

honestly if it was me I would suck it up and make it work. Make his annual leave all about precious family time

Middle aged cynicism is leaking out of my pores these days but ime men will do what they want to do and family time with you and your dc is not his priority.

I’ve seen many marriages limp along until the dc get to a manageable age and then break up.

So many businesses right now are struggling to retain personnel and he really can’t find a better option? Not buying it.