To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

[wpur]

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

A 6 day a week job isn't sustainable with family life. If he can't do his job Monday - Friday then he's either not being efficient at work or it's not a sustainable job so he needs to speak to his manager about what's achievable. Since he's staying away during the wee he can also work very lo mg days.
Working every Saturday is a con. Either he's taking you for a ride or someone else is taking advantage of the fact he's a workaholic. I absolutely wouldn't put up with this.
Also - I knew an NHS chief executive (a friends dad) and yes he worked the odd weekend but most of the time, he didn't.

No YANBU. He should either be doing admin in the evenings if he’s not living at home (instead of bed/ bath etc), getting into work early, or at the VERY WORST coming back home and doing admin in the house (where he can have lunch with DC, or take her for half an hour etc).

TBH most people could find admin to do all day in most jobs, I certainly could, but I accept that if I want a relationship with my kids and partner, I can’t spend all my time at work. This is especially true if you work away- the whole point is that you do as much as possible when you’re away in the week so when you’re home you can make the most of it. Weekends are the only time you and your DC see him, spending 50% of that on admin is mad.

The people who find this implausible have clearly never worked in the NHS.

It sounds horrid.

I don't think there's any point approaching it as 'you need to give me more time' and with a fixed idea of what you want him to do because I'm guessing both of you are knackered and stressed and this will just add to that, cause a row, and be ultimately unproductive. But I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that you are feeling overwhelmed, miss him and want to be a team and to ask him to take some time to chat about what can change to make things happier for everyone.

You can certainly plan how you both want your lives to be once this contract is up!

You know, a lot of teachers say they work this much and it doesn't seem to be pulled apart as much as this man's work, which we know nothing about other he's high in the NHS and has a whole day of admin.

Maybe we could give the benefit of the doubt on this one?

He should be home Friday and do the admin in the week 🤷‍♀️

He has his weekday evenings free, while you do all the childcare, why can't he do that 'admin' then? What kind of admin is it? Occasional catch up, fair enough, but full day every single saturday`?

Not really. He gets every evening during the week to himself. And what’s the point in them even being married if OP spends all day Sunday on her own doing her own thing? She spends all week looking after their child on her own, then all day Sunday doing something else on her own.

Although if he does that, he needs some downtime at the weekend. Or he'll burn out.

I'd consider putting an airtag in his car and another hidden in his briefcase/bag. A previous thread made me think of that!

I'd have to be sure I think. 😉

So he has every weekday evening to do the extra work but is choosing not to?

I'd be done with this shit.

I think you need to have a conversation with your husband about your lifestyle. I suspect that he provides very well for you, and that he’ll take a massive pay cut to work closer and shorter hours.

I’m guessing you probably don’t want to give up the lifestyle you have now either?

I know nothing about NHS working practice, but my neighbour is CEO of one of our local trusts. She strikes me as conscientious, but I know she would never work at weekends.

Maybe DH should also put one in OP's car and in her bag ? Who knows what she might be up to while he is away?

Does his job description / contracted hours actually require him to do all his admin on Saturdays? Is he paid for this? Does he have good holidays at least, to make up for the fact he does 6 day weeks? Does he pull his weight during holidays? If he's having to do admin all day Saturday to keep his head above the water at work it sounds like its an HR issue...like the job is not possible to do in a normal 5 day working week.

Is this the consultant who’s been posted about several times previously by the op?

It's easier to be naughty without a child to look after all week.

I’m guessing that he’s a consultant…?
It’s an all encompassing job and really hard for the partner and kids. Like you I got used to pretty much being a single parent. We would argue at weekends as he had no idea about the ever changing needs and fads of toddlers and would want to act like Disney dad to make up for hardly seeing them in the week. I did all the family admin, parents eve etc.

My advice is that you need to talk to him and really explain how you feel. It’s not just about you having alone time, it’s about family time, time as a couple and being present in the children’s lives. Right now he is adding nothing to your lives and if you split you would get a lot more time to yourself.

I got so used to xh not being around that he in turn felt unneeded….of course some woman caught his eye who needed him…

Of course it's unacceptable! Surely the bulk of the admin could be done in the evenings when he is presumably living the life of a single man. So Friday evenings for him is now another free night? Do the admin then you poor excuse for a father!

even the most hardworking people I know, who pull all-nighters and work weekends in the law and accountancy for the big firms never have to do all day every single Saturday for years at a time without fail.

This.

If he was as high up as you say in the NHS he would have an EA or secretary to do his admin. A whole Saturday every week doing admin catchup - if true - means frankly he isn’t any good at his job. He also isn’t prioritising you and his child.

What do parents in high flying jobs do? They work after kids are in bed so they have their weekends free for family time.

I’m afraid he is having you on about what these Saturdays are for. Whether it’s a second family, drugs, drinking, golfing… who knows. If the admin excuse is true, then any normal person would rather WFH “catching up” on a Saturday so they could potter out to say hi, eat lunch with the family etc.

If I had to guess, I’d say maybe gambling addiction, porn/camgirls/escorts, or affair with a colleague.

What does he do in the evenings when he's away? Couldn't he do his admin then?

So the problem is that he’s a workaholic and has always prioritised work over everything else. You’ve probably got a good idea why this is: does he get his sense of self worth from work?

You need to have a hard conversation with him and tell him this needs to change. He’s got other, more important, responsibilities now. Work cannot be the centre of his life anymore.

So he's working 6 days a week and doing childcare on the 7th, and he's getting a hard time?!

It's very difficult for the family, yes, because it's a large and demanding workload, but he's hardly living a life of leisure.

I think he’s neglecting his child and his marriage. Parenting isn’t a one day a week job.

So he's working 6 days a week and doing childcare on the 7th, and he's getting a hard time?!

OP is working 5 days and doing childcare the rest of the time, while he relaxes like a single childless man 6 evenings per week.