Does a mother's jewelry traditionally pass to daughters or daughters & DILs?

[DeathNote11]

Looking for opinions & experiences please.

What's the etiquette/norm when no instructions are left due to the death being sudden? Does jewellery usually go to the daughters only, or an equal split between daughters and DILs? No high value items. I'm expected to make a decision on distribution, I always thought it went to daughters but the 2 DILs are up in arms. The 2 daughters are too distraught to give an opinion. DILs both have mothers of their own & there was no special relationship between them & my friend.

YABU - Daughters & DILs is the norm
YANBU - Daughters is the norm

I would expect daughters & granddaughters if there are any? Why do they want it if not valuable? If they are genuinely sentimental perhaps one piece each if enough?

Only direct children so daughters or sons surely? DIL’s are entitled to nothing, in my opinion. Sorry for your loss x

Are you white British? I feel like jewellery distribution is probably very culturally specific.

Daughters I would have thought.

If the dil have daughters then maybe a small token gift for the GD?

My gran recently passed and the jewellery was shared between the daughters and small gifts for Granddaughters- neither DIL complained.
There wasn’t anything high value. All the special noted things rings etc had already been mentioned in the will.

I would have thought daughter's or even grandchildren if not specifically accounted for.

I would have such little respect for DILs causing chaos when others are still grieving. WTF is wrong with some people?

Nothing to do with DIL, I can’t believe they are getting involved. Daughters and sons, with the sons deciding what to do with their pieces.

Daughters and sons equally I’d have thought unless cultural influences at play.

Why on earth are the DILs "up in arms" over some low-value jewelry ? There is no special etiquette about it, but I'd say from my own experience , that the jewels would go to the daughters and granddaughters . If there is a lot, you could ask the DILs to select one piece to remember their mother in law by.

The daughters-in-law can fuck right off, honestly. Good grief, the absolute cheek. I'm a daughter-in-law, and I would dream of getting any special items from my mother-in-law. Those should go to her daughters and granddaughters.

Not DILs, what has it got to do with them? Daughters and granddaughters id say

I would say daughters and sons equally. If the son chooses to pass on to his wife or his DC, that is his prerogative.

How did responsibility for this land in your lap OP?

Not sure that there is a "norm" for this and each family will do what they think best.

When my MIL died, her daughters sorted all her stuff, along with her DH.

I have no idea who got what as I didn't know what she had in the way of jewellery to start with.

They kindly gave me something that had belonged to her (a necklace) and I thanked them but I would never have considered it my place to start demanding stuff.

I have no children but have written that, on my demise, the necklace should go to one of my MIL's grand daughters, as I consider it a "family piece" IYKWIM.

Good luck.

My MiL has shown me a copy of her will and she's left all of her jewelry to me and her 3 x DGD's equally and I get first pick. She has no DD's but she and I get on very well. She came to help me choose my wedding dress and I let her help me plan my wedding. She told me she had never had a DD so never thought she'd get to pick a wedding dress. On my wedding to her son she told me she would now consider me her own DD. I've been married to her son for 18 years and we've never had a cross word between us and my in-laws have come on holiday with us most years when my DC were young. My DH jokes she loves me more than him. Mil has a few nice rings, earrings and necklaces and a gold watch but nothing is of huge financial value.

I’d suggest to use the will as the basis. If the estate passes to all her children, then any goods should be distributed the same way. It takes you out of the firing line as well. (My opinion is that the DILs should pull their heads in.)

Yes, white British.

Is there a will? If no will then the estate will pass under the rules of intestacy. If there is no living husband then I believe it would be divided equally between her children, whether sons or daughters. There is no right for any DIL to receive any of the estate whatsoever.

My Dh has 3 brothers and one sister. His sister will get everything jewellery wise, never discussed but I’m quite sure! One grandmas jewellery all went to her one daughter (and her daughters). My other grandmas jewellery first the daughters agreed on a piece or two each then granddaughters all got to choose something. Thats how I’d do it- daughters and granddaughters. I’ve left all my jewellery to my daughter at the moment, I have two sons too. I’ll amend that when they get old enough to have children of their own. Unless you know dils are extremely close they are just being pushy, suggest you say something about jewellery is extremely sentimental and she’d wish her daughters to have it but I know she’d like you to have something of hers you like- and list a few pieces of furniture?

I inherited my mother’s jewellery. I’m pretty sure that in an earlier version of her will, the jewellery was to be split between me and my brother’s (lovely but sadly now ex)-wife. As it was, when she died, it came to me alone.

DB asked if I could give some pieces to his long term partner (not wife). My mum and I didn’t really like her. I gave them all the pieces of jewellery that DB and his lovely ex-wife had given her over the years. ☺️

My former SIL says that my mum would be so proud of me! 😂

DDs, only DILS if no DD possibly GGD on DS/DIL side as well. Even if will says split between all DC or DGC equally DDs should have first pick, unless specified overwise. I would never ever even think that I would be entitled let alone demand any of my MILs.

Can you not insist that the matter is put on hold until the DDs are less distraught, and then make sure they get what's important to them.

If there is nothing of high value but the DILs are still up in arms then presumably there is a sentimental reason for them wanting to share the jewellery? In which case I'd be inclined to include them in the share.

If not value and not sentimental either, and it's just a case of wanting to be included, then perhaps there is something other than jewellery to give out.

A lot depends on their relationship with the deceased I suppose. Gut instinct may say the daughters should have all of the jewellery but I can't imagine excluding my SIL from sharing my mother's things when she's been in the family for 30 years.

I think it must vary hugely.

I have my maternal Grandmothers jewellery even though my mum is still alive and I wasn't the only granddaughter. She gave me several pieces that my biological grandfather had given her when I was still a teen (I was in my 40s when she died). Much to my surprise, she also left me jewellery from her second husband.

When dh's maternal Grandmother died, her will divided her jewellery between her grandchildren. I have dh's share.

When my mil divided her mil's jewellery, she split it three ways as she had 3 children. Again I have dh's share.

I think in the last two scenarios, it was more about being fair to dh/his male cousins. Certainly I would have been fine either way.

Daughters and sons.

Followed by grandchildren.

If sons choose to gift to their wives that's up to them.

I don’t think it should specifically go to DIL but perhaps if they already have daughters, they feel badly as it’s their kids who would ultimately be excluded if these sentimental items only went to your friend’s daughters (particularly if they already have daughters too.)

It’s a bit miserable for one side of cousins to have a reminder of their granny but then for the other side to have nothing.

Easy to sort out if families are complete and established but if everyone is still young,
the situation is probably still too fluid.

Also depends on how involved your friend was in the lives of her sons’ families. Some DIL are close with their MIL so perhaps they do feel hurt (however, I think it’s crass to express that)

Sorry for the drip feed but I think I need to mention that the sons got their dad's watches & jewellery when he passed. None were shared with daughters or sons in laws. That was their father's instructions.

Edit to also add that there are no granddaughters.

My DM has informed me that she is leaving her jewellery to me and her granddaughters. Not her DIL. I have strict instructions on what to do and to whom I give various items. SIL isn't included.

I didn't inherit any jewellery from my MIL, nor did I expect or want to. SIL did give me something of MILs that she didn't want, but it meant absolutely nothing to me, to be honest.

White British, if it matters.