Does a mother's jewelry traditionally pass to daughters or daughters & DILs?

[DeathNote11]

Looking for opinions & experiences please.

What's the etiquette/norm when no instructions are left due to the death being sudden? Does jewellery usually go to the daughters only, or an equal split between daughters and DILs? No high value items. I'm expected to make a decision on distribution, I always thought it went to daughters but the 2 DILs are up in arms. The 2 daughters are too distraught to give an opinion. DILs both have mothers of their own & there was no special relationship between them & my friend.

YABU - Daughters & DILs is the norm
YANBU - Daughters is the norm

The jewellery goes to the daughters. DIL can fuck off. Hoe dare the argue over the deceased belongings. People die and the vultures come out.

in that case, remind them about the watches and give all the jewellery to the daughters. If you want, and privately away from anyone else you could ask them, when their grief has settled, if they want to give the DILs anything. No pressure and no obligation.

My granny, and now my mum (😢) started giving her jewellery to people who visited when she was very old. Not just jewellery, tbh, to make sure things went where she intended.

When mum died I was left everything(only daughter) but i have given the granddaughters what pieces they want after my choice then great granddaughters.
Then I let my sil have a pick as she knew mum for nearly 50 years.
Afterwards any grandsons wife had a pick.
Nothing was of great value and a lot was worth very little.
I'll be selling the rest.

I don't think there is a norm.

I'd be massively judging the DILs for making a fuss over this.

However, if there's a reasonable amount of items, I'd give the daughters the most (and definitely the sentimental stuff like wedding ring and engagement ring if applicable), and chuck the DILs a pair of earrings each or something.

How much and what sort of jewellery are we talking? I know you've said nothing high value, but since it's being shared out I'm assuming it's not particularly low value? My mum for example has a bunch of very cheap necklaces that aren't my style and wouldn't be shared out, they'd be donated straight away. If what you're talking about is a reasonable amount of mid-range jewellery, then I think the sons should probably be included (is the comparison with the father relevant? That was left with instructions, and my assumption would be it was fewer items than the mother?)

I don't have any daughters. Two lovely DILs though. My MIL was burgled so there was little to share. I have grand daughters. We've started giving away jewellery now rather than letting it gather dust.

I would have assumed it just gets sold and forms part of the estate

My dad’s dad left his things to my dad. My dad’s mum left her things to split between her 3 daughters. Her granddaughters got a share too. All but me as I live somewhere else and I was expendable.

Then one of my aunts made a fuss becase she wasn’t getting anything from her dad so whatever shitty pieces my dad had, he split with her sisters. A CF move on her side as what he got was svery little, but it’s the thoughtlessness and entitlement what hurts.

I don’t expect anything from my MIL so they should not either. It baffles me that they are circling like vultures.

My DH's sister got the valuable pieces and he got all the pieces she didn't want. His brothers didn't want any of it. I was very surprised as I would have expected it to go to the granddaughters ahead of me (none of it is particularly valuable).

Daughters and granddaughters...not dils unless special reason.

Daughters usually, especially if Dad’s stuff went to the boys.

If the DIL had an especially close relationship with MIL that’s a little different - but I’d still expect the daughters to get most of it. If there’s lots of it then giving the DIL a token thing would be nice and probably expected.

I suppose if there are only grandsons the DIL may feel the female line will get broken anyway - but they are cheeky feckers to make a fuss.

Honestly whatever is "right" on paper in real
life is different for every family and the relationships that the DILs have also. I don't think you can do a one size fits all.

If it's low value as you say and they have had a close relationship with MIL I think it would be a lovely gesture

I wouldn't expect anything from MIL. She has an extensive - but not super expensive - jewellery collection. Her daughter absolutely should get first dibs. It would be nice if my own daughter (her granddaughter) got to choose something but it certianly wouldn't be something I was discussing with my sister in law or DH.

the 2 DILs are up in arms

They ought to be ashamed of themselves. Grabby fuckers.

This.
Daughters and perhaps granddaughters but it would depend on the relationship.
Sorry for your loss.
The daughters in law are greedy wrong.

The daughters might wear the jewellery - sons are very unlikely to. That makes it a very good reason, unless you have a son who actually will wear your earrings and necklaces?’

When my DGM1 died her jewellery was all taken by my Aunt (who only had sons), she also took DGD1s watches and jewellery for her boys too. Her Brother my DDad (who only has daughters) was left given nothing in the terms of jewelery of either DP.

When my DGM2 died earlier this year, her jewellery went to my DM (we think that my Uncle took my DGD2s medals as they were missing from the estate) DM took a couple of pieces, then offered a pick to DSister and me, then our DC so we all had a piece from the very limited collection. They weren't valuable but being able to have something we remember her wearing meant so much.

It did hurt not being offered anything of DGM1s jewellery especially knowing that the next generation down are all boys on that side of the family. Because of this I have written in my will who gets what of my more valuable jewellery.

In this case I would have said the daughter should get most and first pick, but grandchildren also being given a choice of a piece so they would have something to remember her by, usually I would say sons too but as he already has one parents watch and jewellery it is only fair the other sibling gets some too.

I'm not expecting any jewellery from my mil.

I'm a completely different shape and skin colouring.

Nothing would suit me. It would suit her daughter.

Then there is precedent. Daughters only.

Daughters and granddaughters here. Not inlaws.

My Stepmum's jewellery went to her 2 daughters, not her DILS. They have mothers of their own.

My DM is leaving her jewellery to me and my DD. She has no sons but my Stepfather's watch collection goes to DS.

My MIL has no DDS so her rings are going to her granddaughters.

In your case, the sons got their father's watches so all is fair.

I wouldn't want my jewellery going to my Dils even if I loved them. They have they're own mothers to inherit from!!!!

Fucking hell, what kind of people start a row over their dead mother in law's stuff? Don't give the DILs anything.

Just to daughter

In your position I'd let the daughters choose what they want first and then let the dil choose something. It's quite nice to sit and go through it with someone who knew her well as you obviously did. There may be costume or other bits left then let her friends choose if they want to. I have a couple of bits from DH aunt after her children and nieces chose , I like wearing them and thinking of her

As the eldest daughter I got most of it, nothing especially valuable. Specific pieces went to my sisters and niece. DILs didn't get anything.

No, of course it doesn’t go to DILs unless the person specifically wants it to. We have some lovely examples on this thread of where it was a kind and appropriate thing to do. I get on well with my MIL but it wouldn’t even cross my mind that I would be entitled to any of her jewelry. The DILs have their own mothers and should inherit from them. My mum updated her will last year and the estate is to be divided equally between her three children. That said, if my brother really wanted some of the pieces for his wife (I’m thinking particularly of some of the lovely jewelry he has bought for mum) then of course he could have them, but it’s not her place to demand anything (and she wouldn’t anyway because she’s not bonkers or grabby).