Does a mother's jewelry traditionally pass to daughters or daughters & DILs?

[DeathNote11]

Looking for opinions & experiences please.

What's the etiquette/norm when no instructions are left due to the death being sudden? Does jewellery usually go to the daughters only, or an equal split between daughters and DILs? No high value items. I'm expected to make a decision on distribution, I always thought it went to daughters but the 2 DILs are up in arms. The 2 daughters are too distraught to give an opinion. DILs both have mothers of their own & there was no special relationship between them & my friend.

YABU - Daughters & DILs is the norm
YANBU - Daughters is the norm

I would say daughter and grand daughter

I’m not expecting anything from MIL and she doesn’t even have a daughter. Her jewellery will likely go to her granddaughter

That said, my dad left his pocket watch to my OH, but it was his wish that OH should have it.

Sorry for your loss OP.

In my experience (and also in mine and my mom’s wills) is that all jewellery passes to the daughter(s). Not sons or DILs.

When my grandmother passed there was only one granddaughter (me) and one great granddaughter and we got to pick which jewelry we wanted. Then from the rest the DIL's and Grand DIL's could pick if they wanted something. Thw jewelry grandmother had already gifted while alive belonged to the gift receiver.

Daughters only. No DIL's.

I suppose I hadn't really thought about it but when my grandparents passed it went

Watches one each to sons (there was only 2 anyway)

Jewellery 2 pieces to daughter, 2 to DIL, 2 each to the 2 granddaughters. SIL and grandsons got nothing physical, but there weren't enough male items I suppose. The DIL in this instance had been part of the family for 35 years and was close to them, there was a 'newish' partner (less than a year) of one of the sons who didn't receive anything

You're right but even with a Will it doesn't follow that that's what will happen.

My Mum died recently & her Will stipulates her estate is to be shared 50/50 between me & my sibling.
Except... my StepF won't let us have it! He thinks what he bought her goes back to him but to date he hasn't even let us have what she owned before meeting him. 😡

Not sure how to proceed if he continues to hold on to it.

I'm a daughter in law and would not expect any of my mil's jewellery! I would expect it to go to her daughter my SIL! Perhaps she might let my daughter have a small token to remember nanny by eg her charm bracelet as dd loves looking at that.

As a child, when my paternal nan died I was given a few token bits of non value jewellery, the same with my cousins, my mum and other daughter in laws had nothing and my auntie got the majority.

My parent’s house was robbed while they were gone.
When my siblings & I were there, my SIL says to my brother, “OMG JOHN THEY GOT THE DIAMOND PIN!!!”
WTF??? Since when did MY mother tell SIL that she could have ANYTHING, much less an extremely valuable family heirloom?
This is why you should plan ahead and write everything down you want to go to whomever, even if it does get stolen.
My sister and I looked at each other and were speechless. Maybe my brother would’ve gotten it - but my mum hadn’t even given to them yet (confirmed by mum).
People get awful grabby when stuff isn’t written down.

Daughters only, if none then Granddaughters. Dil as a last resort.

It depends on the relationship I guess. Mum told me (only daughter) who gets what with regard to her daughters in law (one, a high value item, the other nothing). It reflected her relationship with both women. It was better that I discreetly distribute the items to avoid angst.

Clearly daughters. Daughters can then decide if they want to pass on something to granddaughters or daughters in law if they really want to.

if I think about it as a daughter and daughter in law, I wouldn’t want my mother in law’s jewellery, it’s a completely different feeling.

Daughters but depends on their relationships. If DIL gave a lot of help to the mum then it would be fair for her to be included, especially for sentimental things.

Good point Tumbleweed101.

I don’t think it really matters what “the norm” is, inheritance is all so specific to individual families. If this task has been left to you presumably you know what kind of relationship the deceased had with her daughters and DILs? What do you think she would want to happen?

Agreed though that being “up in arms” sounds awful. If there’s nothing high value, could the decision wait until the daughters are less distraught?

Exactly, the sons may then allow their wives to wear it but it remains his share.

Sons too, no reason for daughters to grab everything.

Daughters and granddaughters should get the jewellery. I would absolutely not expect to get anything from MIL. SIL and her daughter are very close to MIL and I think would really cherish her things.

This

@DeathNote11 daughter and son, the son allows his wife to wear it and gives it to his daughter. if they split up then it comes back to the son

I would give mine to my own DD’s and maybe a piece to each GD. I gave my DD a beautiful ring as my fingers started to swell up due to OA. She lost it in the sea 😡. So now they can have it all when I’m dead so I don’t have to feel upset when something gets lost!

Daughters get first refusal, especially on valuable pieces or those with sentimental / family attachment. In fact, as the only daughter, I would expect for it to be my job to arrange redistribution.

Anything not wanted could be offered to DILs (I would want for my SIL to have something nice / of value if she wanted it, but there would be certain items I wouldn't be willing to offer).

I was a DIL. I really appreciated having a couple of MILs brooches. Whenever I wear them I think of her. I got to pick something after the DD had said what she wanted and the more 'long standing DIL had had their pick.
I wouldn't have been 'up in arms' if I hadn't been allowed something, but I would have been sad.

(DH & I did more for MIL&FIL in their later years than either of his siblings.)

My MIL left me something specific - extensive collection. Specific pieces were named - my SIL and I. Then all to the grandkids to keep or sell. Bless her she was very proud of her collection, but it wasn't really to my taste and not as valuable as she'd have liked to believe.

My mother's jewellery was shared between me and my sister, even though we never were able to find the will. But- she had made her wishes known for as long as we could all remember and all our brothers agreed on this. I don't think it ever occurred to anyone that SIL might have a share, even if she'd wanted it (she and mum didn't get on).

Otherwise it would've been shared equally between all us siblings as the closest relatives.