Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

Life gets complicated. What exactly do you propose people do? Stay single forever after a failed relationship?

They wouldn't work for me because I can barely endure my own DC, let alone other peoples. They certainly seem very hard work. Some people though are better at parenting and step-parenting than I am.

One thing I have noticed is stepmums being slowly gaslit into doing all the childcare and admin for a useless man.

Yeah they rarely work and there is always someone left unhappy in the set up, usually the children.
Someone always feels pushed out not heard, not appreciated or not treated the same.

It's just selfishness on the parents' side of things. Just because they might want to be together doesn't mean the kids all want to!
Just be adult about it and wait it out until they're older. Their happiness trumps yours I'm afraid. They'll be off to uni soon enough.

I've said this on countless threads but I was widowed suddenly when my daughter was 2 years old. Is that it for me then, should I just accept that I can't have a partner or traditional family life? Wait 16 years or so until I'm in my late 50s before I can find someone?

Life's not always simple and people often say this from a position of a) a settled family set up or b) happy and content to be on their own anyway.

I think the children who are bounced from one family configuration to another, with a trail of step and half siblings along the way, carry an enormous burden for the unstable relationships of their parents. Nobody really talks about that. The soothing mantra that children are resilient doesn't really stack up against the mental health crisis they seem to endure.

'Life gets complicated. What exactly do you propose people do? Stay single forever after a failed relationship?'

You don't have to stay single, you can have a relationship but don't move that person into your children's home. I agree with you OP, I think a lot of people want to play happy families but it rarely works out that way. I really feel for kids who are expected to budge up and make room permanently for an adult who their parent has chosen to have a relationship with, and maybe even that adult's children as well. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, and often is, if these boards are anything to go by

YANBU. Endless threads about child from first relationship not being included in some family event that their father's new girlfriend is arranging. All the angst about not being treated "equally". It's just so messy, Ann and Bill have two children together, split, Ann gets with Chris who already has two kids with Diane and has two more, Bill has further children with Ellen and Fiona who already have kids with Greg and Harry - just a whole network of half siblings and half cousins and a total MESS.

By your logic families don't work either, otherwise why would there be all these families to blend in the first place.

@shrunkenhead not everyone's children's go to uni.....

Yanbu, but I don't think there's anything wrong with a long term partner being involved with your kids.

I dont think living together is a good idea until the kids are 18.

In real life I’ve never seen one work, have friends who have been raised in blended families and the adult trauma that’s caused is horrendous. Seen a step parent walk away from children that love them and the heartbreak it caused. I won’t take that risk with my children, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make, I’ll be single forever probably and as much as I’d like to be loved I love my children more.

I think that blended families can very definitely work but that they are hard work and it takes two parents who are open to compromise, self-reflective and communicate well for there to be any chance of success. In my extended family there are a number of blended families, they have all been together for 20+ years now and the children are all adults now. I know that they have had challenging times, as many families do, but they have gotten through them and are stable families with strong relationships.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Some work and some don’t . Plenty of posts on here about unhappy families / relationships where the parents are still together.

My blended family works. Off the top of my head I can think of 3 other very happily blended families in my circle of friends.

My mum was a single parent who never remarried. She was a wonderful mum but also very invested in our lives to the point of not really having anything else, and I worried about her a lot when I left home.

Having worked in schools for a long time I've come across many, many situations where a child is deeply unhappy as a result of blending families but the parents are convinced everything is great. Often these children have been asked whether they mind the DP and/or their children moving in and haven't felt able to say how they really feel. Children will naturally want their parents to be happy, and concealing their true feelings or telling us what they know we want to hear starts a lot younger than many people think.

I don't believe it's true.

I think blended families work just fine where all 4 adults have the maturity and ability to put the children first and have decent parenting skills and emotional intelligence.

Situations where the previous relationships broke down but there is no lingering resentment or competition and the relationship ended due to incompatibility rather than abuse.

It is a lot more difficult when there are legacy issues whichbhave impacted the children and the adults involved.

I think browsing Mumsnet gives you a skewed perspective. People don't post to tell the world how well their family set up is. They post to ask for advice and talk about what isn't working. I do think we need to talk more about the complexities of blended families given that half of all marriages end. We are a blended family and it has worked for us. The set up where both partners bring unrelated children and try to blend them seems the trickiest. When the Dad brings kids and then the mum goes on to have more with him seems to be the easiest as it's a set of siblings/half-siblings.

My parents separated when I was 6 and over the next few years both found a new partner but neither moved in together until I was about 12. I think it’s lousy when parents move a new partner into the family home within months/a year of meeting them, and they take little to no consideration of their existing DC and whether they get along well with the new partner.

It’s unrealistic to expect an adult to remain single /live separately until the youngest DC is 18, but the wellbeing and safety of the DC should be at the foremost of their mind before moving in together. Sadly, there are too many threads on MN of shitty blended families where so few parents think about their children first.

I’m with you. I’m single youngest child is 8. I am ready to date but no way would I move anyone/ other children in to our home.

Meh, mine does.

Plenty of none blended families don't work either so I don't understand your point really.

I think on here you get all the negatives because people come on to rant/ask for advice in tough situations. Nobody comes along and says “my blended family is working great by the way…”. You also get tricky situations in nuclear families on here 🤷🏻‍♀️

my ds (11, separated from his dad since he was about 1) has a step dad and half sister. He also sees his dad and step mum and is the only child in that family. He seems to have a nice but not parental relationship with step mum. Similar with step dad. Loves his sister although a big age gap. It’s not perfect but he is growing up seeing 2 functioning relationships. he has a bedroom at each house and we live within walking distance so no change in clubs/school transport etc. I’m 100% on not moving from the area until he has left home.

By all means advocate caution in terms of new relationships and DC particularly when it comes to moving in together but I don’t buy that it never works.

I don't think that's fair. You can have a relationship as a single parent. You just don't have to move everyone in together and expect them to get along.

Live separately, enjoy the healthy separation of different dynamics.

I think so much depends on the way parents do it. Like when you're introducing new cats into the mix. I do think a lot of people rush it, but I do admire those who are able to take in other people's children. I can't think of anything worse.

I agree blended families do not work and controversial but I also think large age gaps between siblings don't work either

I worked in a school for years, and I agree - so many sad and/or damaged children caused by adults putting themselves first.