Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

I agree with the OP. I don't know a single "blended family" in real life that's not a source of heartache or unhappiness for someone in the mix, almost always one or more of the kids. Often also the stepmum. And like pretty much everyone, I know a lot of blended families. I don't see any evidence that it's a good thing for the majority of the kids involved.

Whatever the circumstances that lead to a blended family setup, the result seems to be the same. When people say it doesn't work, it's not because they think loneliness should be some kind of moral punishment for the crime of your nuclear family no longer existing. It's because it just doesn't work. Sad but true.

I don't think there's any issue with dating or having relationships, but involving kids on one or both sides and moving unrelated people into their home is invariably a recipe for disaster in one way or another, much as the adults involved would love for it to be different. I'm sure there are some very rare success stories, but it's not a chance I would take with my kids' wellbeing having seen the reality for every other blended family I know.

Families don't seem to be working either if you go by divorce rates. How about adoption and fostering? That's also a type of blended family.

I don't think it's true that all blended families don't work. I know plenty that do. It does take patience, commitment, tolerance and compromise. Not always easy but then that's true of all families. It's not all plain sailing even in nuclear families!

It can work, and I have seen it work in rl. But I have also seen it exploded in real life.

I want to teach my children that marriage is a contract. The number of people I expose them to is my choice. But I believe in a village and I'm a strong supporter in introducing them to a variety of people. Getting hurt is part of life. Saying that, of course, safe gurading to the best of my ability and taking responsibility for my actions is paramount.

I see this similar to the don't get a pet situation because they might die. Dying is part of life, and yes, losing a pet can cause a tremendous amount of pain. Does that mean no child should have a pet?

I agree, to be honest, I’ve only ever seen at work when for some reason the former partner is not in the picture. Too often, the adults involved behave badly and the children suffer in a situation in which their needs come second. Maintaining separate households should be considered more.

I’m in my 50s and it has taken quite a bit of therapy for me to get over my blended family.

As previous posters have said, I had to pretend I was happy when I hated every bit of it. My father refused to believe that he had done anything wrong, so therefore I was fine.

Surely some can. Though maybe not the ones where the new partner moves in after 3 months (as he was living at his Mum’s before and is out of work and penniless. Oh and who also has anger management problems), into the OPs 2 bedroom house, and then moves in his own 2 kids 50% of the time kids , followed by a new baby six months later.

Blended families have more chance of working if the parents behaved like mature adults towards each other and the SP (especially the SM).

IMO the reason they don't work is because all the adults involved (this includes other parents and in-laws to some degree) don't take the time to properly discuss expectations, responsibilities and compatibility before they attempt to "blend". It is usually just two adults wanting to shack up and thinking everything will be fine because they lurve each other.

I grew up in two blended families (both my parents remarried) and they were both fucking awful, so you're right on the money, as far as I can see OP. It's rare that an adult can stand living in a house with someone else's DC and being the DC in a household with an adult who wishes you weren't there is horrible.

So no, I don't think people should necessarily stay single when they have kids, not unless they choose to, but don't move in together! Keep your own home with your own kids.

Well mine works? Granted our kids were older - mine 7,10 and his 15 but they all get along great.
Dh is brilliant with my kids and I love his ds.

They are all 4 years older now and no issues.

So maybe it works better when they are a bit older. We do tend to parent our own dc tho. Albeit the 19yo doesn't need much parenting now!

If you heard all our 5 kids (2 mine, 3 DH’s) laughing like drains together this weekend I think you’d disagree. We’ve lived together for 5 years now, married for 3. They are all teens now but have known each other since the eldest was 8 and the youngest was 4. They actively spend time together independently of us, they message each other when they’re at their other parents’ houses. I can 100% hand on heart say that my DC’s lives (and mine!) are enriched by the presence of their step siblings.

Absolutely with you. A family member of mine is now on her third partner that has kids and who she has moved into the family home. Her young boys are deeply unhappy, playing up all the time, getting red warnings at school for their awful behaviour, and it all started when she started moving men and strange kids into her home.

And where they don't move in together and live seperately.

Some don’t work, some do. Mine does, I live with DDs half the time and DP all the time. DDs with their dad the other half. Our home works fine and DP enriches their lives and they are thriving. Much better than living with just me and my menopausal hormones.

I doubt the op means this…my OH’s bereaved parent got together with another bereaved parent, neither took time to mourn their spouses, his needs most definitely got neglected at a time when he really needed his parent. If the adults put the children’s needs uppermost,blended families can and do work but I likewise have seen many threads where this isn’t happening.

I agree. I could never live with children that I had no authority over, it just doesn't work.

I’ve worked in education for many years .
The issues, behaviours, consoling, counselling staff spend time dealing with due just to broken home/blended families and then broken new blended families is huge.
The weeks building up to Christmas this year were v difficult with children worried about plans - who they would be with and where they would be😥.

Your view is skewed because of a blended family really works outsiders have no idea it is blended. DH was (at about 8) adopted by DFIL. My DSIL had been dating DBIL for several years before she discovered that they were actually half brothers…I’m not sure either DS knows that DFIL isn’t DH’s biological father.

They very rarely work and seem to cause more misery than anything

should people stay single no not necessarily but why set up a family unit many simply don’t put their children first they put what they want first

Blending families is not ideal for kids, particularly older kids. I don’t think kids come first in the thought process of some adults though. A woman I know moved in with her new partner and their shared 4 kids after 6 months. How can that be a sensible decision?

My sister in law seems to manage it, but I think it helps that she is the mother of all three kids and her dp didn’t have any already. Also what’s helped is a lot of resources, so everyone has their own room, no difficult decisions about what is affordable and the dps family have welcomed all children with open arms.

I thought you'd be roasted for this but I totally agree.

I'm a single parent and my DS has a step-mothet half-siblings and it's messy and he knows he knows he's not a 'real' part of that family - his Dad once referred to DS as being my son, while his kids with his current partner are his children.

I've been single since we split, and I wouldn't put my DS through having more confusion in his life - a step dad is not going to love him unconditionally, and could be a real threat to his happiness, and even safety.

Maybe I'll date when he's left home, but I don't think of myself as a failure for being single.

Does anyone feel sorry for dads/ husbands stuck in the middle ? Trying to keep everyone happy ?

Do I feel sorry for men that have left their first family then moved on to have another family and is stressed by it all

no not particularly he has made choices