Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

That was me with my 2 year old autistic son at a time when I was married with a father in the home. Families with autistic children have very high marriage break up rates (I have heard 85%), so I don’t think you can conclusively say that your acquaintance’s single status was the reason she couldn’t manage with her son. It’s an extremely challenging situation at that age with a child with those developmental issues, whether married or single. Both married and single parents would actually benefit from a large extended family friendship support system, if available.

Yes, unless the adults are particulary attuned to their children and grown up about it. Unfortunately these situations are usually fraught with pain, nobody can be grown up and the kids carry too much responsibility.

I don't think this is unusual. I've seen several posts on MN from women saying they would choose to never see their stepchildren again if they split up with their husbands.

And how often do you see MNers post about their "step-stepchildren" - i.e. their husband's stepchildren from a previous relationship? I can only remember seeing one thread like that - a poster complained that her husband was still financially supporting his former stepchildren and expecting to bring them on family holidays. The universal response was that although this was kind of him, he had no obligation to them and needed to focus on his bio kids. If it were common for stepdads to keep treating stepchildren as his own after a split, you'd expect far more threads like that.

No she told me her story. Her long term boyfriend didn’t want a child and she was getting older so in desperation she dumped her boyfriend and got a sperm donor. She did it on purpose and regretted it bitterly, resented her child and felt guilty. Any child even non disabled one needs two parents.

edit: and yes you are right how important the support of family. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to raise an autistic son. Of course she didn’t consider the possibility of him having special needs but it’s just so tragic and that’s why I bring it up to women considering this. Caring for a baby alone, even a healthy one, is not the idealized fantasy childless women imagine. They should try fostering a newborn first to at least get a realistic idea of what it’s like

Anything that runs contrary to biology does not work. It is not meant to work.

What do you mean by "contrary to biology"?

Against biology. Anything not biologically natural. However, sometimes normal biological families don't work either.

Well, what do you mean by 'biologically natural'?

If you take a group of mammals and let them act according to biology and nature, you'll end up with what we socially evolved humans call pedophilia, rape, polyamory and incest. Because in 'nature,' mammals mate with anything.

I take it you're not issuing a rallying cry for any of that? Or are you?

Against biology. Anything not biologically natural.

What do you mean by that? Can you give some examples?

I’d expect the way most step parents don’t love or even often like their step children like they do their own biological children.

You know the cuckoo in the nest.

Such a ridiculous stereotyped view.

I would think this is largely true (no personal experience). But a quick look round mumsnet would show you that families don't work full stop!

Sorry, I meant human biology, not quadrupeds. I should have been more specific, but I would have thought that you would get it from context that I was talking about human biology, where humans ensure the survival of their own, genetically-related offspring.

You beat me to it, the examples I mean

If you don't want a "cuckoo" in your nest, it's not the cuckoo's fault if you choose to go and live in the nest where you know it resides. That's not quite how the metaphor works. The cuckoo is supposed to fool you.

But I'm still waiting for a proper explanation of what "against biology" actually means and some examples. I don't see how it is "against biology" for two humans with children to form a relationship with each other. Humans have been doing it for long enough.

Huh? I meant human biology too.

Unfortunately, any biologist will tell you that humans don't do anything as simple as ensuring the survival of their own, genetically-related offspring.

Humans will also, given half the chance, engage in behaviours such as polygamy/andry, incest, rape, and pedophilia. Its really horrible, but that's biology!

In an ideal world, we actually work against biology to ensure that these things don't happen!

Quite!

Cuckoo is an excellent example - because biology works both ways, just look at how the cuckoo Pax bullied biological kids' dad Brad out of the nest.

I don't get the reference?

Maybe you can read up on how people beg and pay for IFV because they want their own children when we have so many available for adoption? Human biology. Not nice, but nevertheless.

Well, two things.

One, this isn't 'human biology,' is it? It's people wanting children.

Two, people beg and pay for IVF because it's extremely difficult to adopt children, and often very fraught. The proportion of people who undergo IVF and who would have been approved as adoptive parents to newborn babies is quite small. Adoptive parents have to jump through huge hoops.

Speaking personally, I have no investment in having a child who is biologically mine - my beloved DD isn't - but I know I wouldn't be approved as an adoptive parent.

Maybe you should read up on this?

This is literally completely irrelevant. And if you want to look at it that way, IVF is "against biology".

Having worked with children whose parents enter into disastrous relationships and they are miserable, I would recommend that if you are single with kids, don't enter into a relationship until your children are grown up. With kids, I have no idea how people with children have time to date. If I became a single parent, dating would be the last thing on my mind. People need to put their children before romance/sex.

And some do work. In fact most.
I have 6 kids. 1 is step, 5 my own. Step lives with us since she was 16(now 21). Been with us every weekend and half hols since she was 2. Shes great. Love her to bits. My youngest is her half brother. My elder 4 her step sibs (29 to 37). She thinks of them as her sibs and her 2 with her mam as her sibs. No halves. My older kids all think of her as their sister. Works fine. All adults except my 17 yr old. 11 grandkids all think of her as aunty. We are lucky but it works. I am a foster carer too so maybe we have different values and expectations 🤷‍♀️

I'm sure many blended families work. But I do think it's harder work for all involved. And I guess my point was more that a quick look round mumsnet shows a lot of families having all kinds of dramas. Again, it won't be all families - people only post about problems don't they? But I think having to take into account another parent and household is always going be more difficult.