Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

It's a complete mess and such a shame this has become the new norm.
Why people can't date and stay in separate homes is beyond me. They get out of one big mess and then on a mission to jump straight back into another one.
I raised my sons alone after husband died, they had been through enough, plus l don't believe men are ideal candidates to raise other people's children. It's a huge risk, most mum's seem completely naive, they need a man more than oxygen, usually at the cost of their children.
I just don't get what the rush is to blend.

One thing I have noticed is stepmums being slowly gaslit into doing all the childcare and admin for a useless man.

But the stepmum inevitably seems to hold it against the children or the man’s ex, not the man himself. Then they go and have a baby of their own with him…

Non - blended families often also don’t work. Relationships are complex, people are complex. I’ve really noticed the lack of nuance on Mumsnet in recent years. Righteous indignation about divorce etc.

YANBU OP.

They never work as well as the loved up couples try to convince themselves they will or are.

I agree, to be honest, I’ve only ever seen at work when for some reason the former partner is not in the picture.

I was thinking of ones I knew worked - and mostly it's this - or as PP said - Your view is skewed because of a blended family really works outsiders have no idea it is blended.

No, in fact I firmly believe that men should only be allowed to have children with one woman, as it's such a mess and miserable for everybody when they have children with multiple women.

It takes exceptional and skilled people to take on another persons child into their life to help raise as they would have their own from childhood, make them the priority through teens to adulthood - but it can happen if no new children enter the mix.

I agree, more often than not, it is not the the best thing for existing children to be "blended" with new children/families. I have never seen it work successfully for the children of the first family. They rarely "blend" they will always be the visiting outsiders looking in and those feelings lead to life long wellbeing issues.

My sister in law seems to manage it, but I think it helps that she is the mother of all three kids and her dp didn’t have any already.

Exactly that, I don't think anyone is talking about the situations when a marriage breaks up, or a spouse dies, and then the mother goes on to marry someone who doesn't have kids. I can easily see that working out. It's the situations when a woman already has kids, gets with someone who already has kids, they have a baby together, and then gets the hump because her ex does the same and has moved in with someone who already has kids, and thinks children are being "left out" of trips to Disney or Christmas or weddings or whatever.

I think that blended families can work but they usually don’t. Nuclear families often don’t work either.

I think that there’s a massive luck element too. I’m guessing that this is because the parent, kids and stepparent agree on what the role of the stepparent should be. When there’s a mismatch in the expectations then problems arise.

I’ve noticed that many adults don’t revisit the dynamics as the kids get older. They assume that what worked when the child was 6 should be fine when the children is 12 when parenting (step or not) has to be more flexible and change as kids get older.

YANBU. People don't like to hear that because they want to justify their decision to push a blended family onto their kids because "I deserve happiness too." I'm a single parent and I decided early on never to force a stepdad onto my DS. I can he happy without that (and am!)

Not all step dads have their own children, and it can be really hard for them to step parent when the kids are used to a dynamic of just mum, so yes I do feel
sorry for some men. My ex dp definitely got stuck in the middle when I tried it, it wasn’t good for anyone, so we unblended..
So I agree, blended families don’t work.
In our case we had stayed living separately for years and thought finally living together would be easier ( and much better for financial security) but the dynamics of living together are so different.

Personally I think that is a sad attitude though. If you can't cope without a relationship that's something for you to work on.

It worked very well for my family. All kids are very happy and settled. Tbh it's probably been one of the best parenting decisions I've ever made. I think it helps that the dcs are all around the same age and have been parented in a similar way.

Because the decisions people make are not child centred.

moving over 20/30 minutes away from the other parent. Having and other child a few years are the breakdown of the last relationships and moving someone into your child home.

emotionally manipulating children.

Placing blame on children but not your partner. Refusing to see that blame lies with your DP as well as their co-parent. Etc etc

this is why, it has nothing to do with blending it’s just selfishness and failure to put children first EVEN if they’re not biologically yours.

Does blended families mean both partners come with their own kids, or does it mean any family with a step parent?

I disagree, they can work, but all parties need to be able to think of others and see the bigger picture. Where there's an angry ex, child maintenance issues, custody issues, or just selfish personalities it's not likely to work. I also think it's easier if both parties have kids rather one is childfree, typically the younger new wife who then resents the step kids for getting in the way of her "own little family"

We are blended and is is great, but we are laid back and no acrimonious divorces

That describes a lot of traditional family set ups as well. See all the threads about this!

I agree OP.

So many people seem willing to compromise their kids' wellbeing, security and happiness by moving in a man they barely know.

I'm a single parent. I will not move any man into my children's home - exception being if we had been together 5+ years and everyone gets on spectacularly well. Unlikely - but that's fine. As a parent, I owe it to my kids to put them first and make sure they feel happy and safe in their own home.

I think the main problem is the shockingly low bar for mens behaviour.

It varies. I’ve known blended families, single parent families and nuclear families all go horribly wrong.

Others have worked out really well.

It depends on the personalities involved I suppose.

I think it can work. In my limited experience, the blended families that have the best chance of working are the ones where both parents already have their own children and no one has any more.

The ones where it seems to have the worst chance of working are where one parent already has a child and then has a child with a new partner. Especially if the father was the one who already had a child.

I agree with this. There are those that do work but they are a minority. My mum married 3 times and I have 2 half siblings. Every 'fatjer' I had was awful . She was lso divorced 3 times. Completely fucked up my childhood and I have long lasting trauma from the various things that happened in my home..

I'm not saying all blended families would be like this. But certainly no one thinks about the kids any more.

It's one thing to have another relationship, but quite another to move someone in with their kids and then have another baby jointly (because some people can't seem to conceive of a relationship that doesn't involve a baby). How will the existing children feel anything other than supplanted? It's really unkind to them.

Just like shitty husbands, it isn't that everyone has one, it's just that people only moan about the bad ones.
People don't start threads to discuss how amazing their family is and how they regularly go out for girl dates with the ex's partner etc.

I expect them to put their children before their love lives.