Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

I agree Op. You see posters on here regularly who either dislike their partners kids or their partner dislikes theirs. Unfortunately, many women (i say women as most people on here are women) are desperate to have another partner at almost any cost, judging by the dozens of women posting daily asking for advice re: useless /lazy/childish /cheating /abusive "partners".

I do feel lonely sometimes as a single parent. But I keep my dating life away from my child now after trying once before to have a blended family. I've been in a relationship now for about 18 months and only see him when I don't have my 7 year old and it works, no complications and its keeping my child's stability.

YANBU OP

Extreme example, my cousins eldest child has had four 'fathers' over his childhood, two half siblings and numerous step siblings. He's now on his third 'wife' himself with two children of his own left behind, one with first 'wife' one with second.

Do you have first hand experience of this? Or just like making controversial comments? I have a blended family and an 11 year age gap between the older kids and the youngest one. Everyone is really happy and our family "works" just fine thank you.

What a load of nonsense. Do you have any actual data to back this up? Yes there are lots of threads about issues with blended families but for those who it works fine for they are at exactly going to start ‘AIBU that my blended family is just great’ threads are they?! So you have no comparator.

There are hundreds of threads about men being controlling and abusive.. does that mean that getting into a relationship with a man just doesn’t work?

Mine wasn't too bad, but our children were older, I didn't meet them until we were well established as a couple and they never stayed over at my house, only when we bought a house together.

They had their own rooms in the new house, the only 'care' I did was to cook an evening meal for us all, and washed their bed linen. DH made them breakfast and lunch and did all the entertaining. I quite liked that I got some time to myself when they were there as he often took them out for a few hours.

Mine were older than his and were at Uni or Saturday jobs, so there was no pressure to do things 'as a family'. It was also an old fashioned arrangement of every other weekend Friday night until Sunday afternoon. Not 50/50 which must be a nightmare for all concerned.

But having said that, the fact that DH became a totally different person when he was with them was very galling. I hated his 'Fun Dad' persona, it was so false. The weekends they were there he did nothing else but spend time with them, everything else was left to me from housework, laundry and admin to walking the dogs, I was working full time and studying, so this was a lot.

I like how one of the redundant arguments on this thread is "well, traditional family setups can be shit because of a) b) c)..." that just fights the argument against blended families more surely then? If a traditional setup isn't working (I can guarantee it works better more often than a blended family) then don't add an extra layer of sh*t by blending 2 groups of kids/2 types of parenting styles/having a baby less than a year in with new dad or mum etc.

It doesn't work often, OP I completely agree with you. And in those setups where it does then those adults are amazing 👏 and are/should be commended for it. I would argue it is never worth the risk. Enjoy your own homes until your kids are adults themselves (18+)

It works fine for us . Together 5 years living together 3 and half , a child together 2 previous children each . The kids like each other , step children seem to love to spend time with us , specially the youngest one ( oldest is young adult but will still do some holidays with us ) . I’m not saying it’s perfect but as it stands and we have openly talked about it with every single child involved , they all seem to have gained from this situation. My partner is a wonderful dad and stepdad and my motto as a stepmom is whatever I do for mine I do for my step children, so we holiday together , we plan together as much as we can we try as much as we can making it equity for everyone , give everyone what they live and wish for . It’s a balancing act but what family is not a balancing act . I don’t believe at all that it has diminished any of the children’s lives quality of life attention or potential , quite the opposite .

I agree.

By all means have a girl or boy friend. Don’t move them in. Don’t make your kids live with them, or be part of your love life. Do it on your own time, pay a babysitter if it’s important to you.

Those that work will probably be more luck than judgement, or aren’t true blended families - a step parent coming in with no existing children can probably work sometimes even if they have more children with the parent in question (the one whose children we are talking about). And I think it’s also easier if it’s isn’t both of a child’s parents who make blended families - if there’s one keeping a stable home were they are centred, kids can probably cope with the other parent having a new partner and more kids.

I have a friend who had two kids, divorced, met a new guy and had a daughter. Their family is far happier and functional than when the two oldest are just with Dad. Step Dad will do anything for them, he has all three kids whilst she comes away with us so she gets a break, he treats them all with the same love. Their father on the other hand will try to get out of having them, won't be in any way flexible to help them and often applies the bare minimum level of care that's suitable.

Blended families CAN work. But much like nuclear families, not all of them do

Both my parents remarried,I went from an only child ,to having 2 step siblings in one family and 3 step siblings in the other , literally shunted from one family to the other ,while everyone else stayed in their home ,I was expected to be happy going from one house to the other at their say so.
Half the time I didn't even had a bedroom,just a camp bed in the lounge
It's the only reason I'm still married and making the effort, didn't want the same for my kids

And I do believe that, yes, as adults we only have the one chance to be part of the tradition two parent family - if we have a chance at all.

It might well not be your fault the first family didn’t work out, you don’t get another go (sorry to sound harsh - to be clear, I am in the situation- marriage broke down because exh was emotionally abusive. I’ve made peace with that being my only chance to have or bring up children together with a partner . Not my fault any more than if I was widowed.)

edited a typo

I agree. Children are often unable to understand or articulate their feelings and it usually/often screws them up for life.

Fuckwit/flakey men who don't take their adult and parenting responsibilities seriously and fail to do their best to create a stable family environment have a lot to answer for imho.

Darkenergy just to give you a positive story, my DM was widowed and remarried when I was three .. my step father was single with no DC and no ex on the scene ... he was the most wonderful and caring stepfather until he died at over 80, when my half siblings were born there was absolutely no 'favouritism' from him or his side of the family ... who were all very welcoming to me. I wish you happiness.

MN is forever finding ways to put women off having children.

“If your relationship with the father breaks down you won’t be able to have another relationship until your children have left home” seems to be the latest.

Of course blended families can work. The ones that work aren’t going to have people starting threads about how great they’re working, are they? We only see cases where they don’t work.

I had a step father. My mother should never have put me into his house. I idolised him growing up, wanted him to love me, wanted him to be proud of me; my own father had left. I emulated lots of his nasty traits which have taken years for me to get out of myself. When he kicked my mum out I lived with him for a few months. Then as an adult (a very young one) he decided he also wanted me in his bed - I left that night, but did go back many many times. Never slept with him but so much his behavior towards me growing up was completely inappropriate now I look back on it.. Things he showed me, ways he treated me, his jealousy towards my boyfriends,

Having talked to others, apparently it is not that unique of a situation. He 100x went for someone like my mum, for many reason, including to get access to her child.

If I become a single parent I doubt I would ever let another man near my child or into my home. I am not saying I wouldn't date.

I do know of 1 family where it seems to be working very well. Or so it seems anyway

Some posters are being deliberately obtuse.

It isn’t about “never having another relationship again” but about not forcing a new family situation on DC by moving that partner into their home.

Completely different situation.

I've been with my partner 5 years.
We don't live together.

We have waited until his son is off to uni and my DD is an older teen and through the worst of puberty.

Having teens of the opposite sex I think privacy and dignity is paramount.

We have waited until we can also afford a much bigger house and after years of holidays and weekends together.

You have to really plan ahead and make sacrifices for blended situations to work IMO.

In general I would agree they don't work. The ones I know of that do/did work all have the same structure. The mum with her kids and a chilled out step dad with either no kids or grown up kids.

I have never come across a person, myself included, who liked their step mother or was treated the same as her own children. I'm sure they're out there, but they're a rare thing.

We tend to only hear about the blended families that are struggling or have imploded.

I've got twin DC girls, coming up 6, and I haven't dated, nor sought to date, since I left their Father when they 5 or months old.

I choose not to date because I have an unhealthy, traumatic past with men. So, I keep myself an island of me in order to protect myself and my girls.

I'm so used to being on my own with them that I don't think I could ever move another person in; I like my own space, free from having to consider another adult and/or their children. And, no, at this time, I'm of the mind that there is no way I'm ever moving a man (or woman, as I'm bisexual) into my daughter's home.

That's just where I'm at.

Yanbu, I could never love anyone else's child as my own, let alone think of them as equal to my child. I think it's so selfish to expect your own children to share their safe space (home) with these children too! And then let a man who has NO relation to your child have a parenting say in your child's life. You can have a relationship, no need to ship each man and their lot into your home!

To add to my earlier post of yanbu, I think the only possible chance of any blended family working really is for all children to be treated equally, and where they all live together all the time. Situations where some live in the home half the time, or the step parent is never involved in the children’s lives just add this weird two tier mini society. Nightmare.
I say this as a child veteran of my own blended family. And someone who has good relationships with step sibs/ parents.

My opinion is there is no such thing as a blended family. People need to face reality isn't what they want it to be. Nice if people get along but if not it needs to be dealt with and allowances made where appropriate.

I think blended families get more complicated when more children are then brought into the mix. You see time and time again on here a childless woman will meet a man who already has a child/children and have a baby with him, then expect to have lots of time as a ‘little family unit’ without the other kids and really resent their presence. I just think fgs why didn’t you just pick a guy who had no kids then you would have your ‘perfect little family’. Why do people sign up for something they don’t actually want??

Surely by this thought process, adoption and fostering shouldn’t work either?

The issue isn’t blended families themselves, the issue is adults who put their own needs before their children’s. This can happen in any type of family, not just blended ones.