Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

Actually as a biologist you recognize the importance of classification - what is natural to one species is not for another. And pedophilia is not common in any species, it is not natural for sexually immature animals to mate or attract mates.

My blended family works just fine. My DD gets on better with my partner than she does with me. She’s also included and invited to all the family things his side do. They buy her Easter eggs, Christmas presents and she’s been invited to the hen party of my future sister in law.
This is one of the most horrible threads I’ve ever read on here and if is read it when I was single I would have been in complete despair.

I'm single and it doesn't give me despair at all. Not everyone needs a relationship to be happy.

i hope the irony of your message isn’t lost on people. What is true for one person isn’t true for another.

If you waited till the kids are grown up you might be dead!

Yup, but you need to put your children first at the end of the day. Blended families RARELY work, those that do are the exception.

And we'd all rather teenagers never had sex because sometimes things go wrong. Never going to happen though.

So, the father upped and left or cheated. You're the responsible one, yet you're not supposed to have another relationship or any more children?

Or your husband died. In this case, why would you stay single? Other than grieving, there may well be no other psychological or financial vulnerability.

Or you were pregnant very young and now have to wait til you're in your mid-late 30s or your children have left home (maybe over 40) before you're meant to get married or have any other children?

Nonsense. As much as we some awful situations it doesn't work as a general rule.

• Be led by your child, never become serious with someone they don't get on with, or who isn't committed to them
• know the signs of abuse an control. Make sure you are mentally resilient and capable of asserting boundaries or leaving. Get support if not.
• Do not become financially dependent on a new partner
• Don't rush to have more children or move in. Take the time to spend with the existing dc after divorce and meeting new partner
• Ask advice from friends and family

... are more realistic.

I havn't had another baby with my dh.
Dh is dds step dad. Was she thrilled when we got together? No...I admit she wasn't and I was selfish.
Is she happy now dh has provided a nice house and lifestyle for us including giving lifts so that I can do my full time job...yes she is!
He is amazing with her.

It's always the mum who expected to stay single isn't it? Dds dad left me when I was pregnant. He went on to have his own family.So dads are allowed to find love again but mums aren't.
In an ideal world nuclear families would work and there would be no need for blended families.
If single parenthood was supported more maybe blended families wouldn't be a thing but it's always women who get blamed for marriage failure too for not picking the right man. As though they are psychic!

To be honest, the comments are proving my views. It's all about the adults and their wants, and woe is me. Not about the children.

You're entitled to your views so I can't personally be bothered to change it. The views of one person on the internet should not be that important to anyone's life.

I can on my speak for myself, but my DH is the only dad my eldest child has known. He's a net positive. Even for children who have a relationship with their other parent, a step mum or dad can be another person to love and support them, if done correctly.

Absolutely, I wouldn't expect anyone to live their life based on an internet stranger's views.

Honestly though every adult will say their blended family works great because why would they want to admit that it didn't? I'm sure some of them do, I'm sure yours does. But really it's for the children to say, not the adults.

In my experience if it’s ALL ABOUT THE POOR CHILDREN. Then it leads to shit. In so many circumstances people over compensate and then the step children ( ie the ones that spend the least time at the home) become viewed as MORE important than anyone else. So they don’t feel sad of left out ( despite the fact they don’t care and are having a lovely time at their other parents house) then they start to think they are more important and call the shots and everyone else just has to fit in with whatever suits them, this often leads to terrible behaviours because they know they can get away with it.

it can work BUT everyone has got to get over themselves and actually treat everyone the same. Rather than spoiling the ones there the least to ‘make up’ for factors that don’t even exist and making everyone else feel like second class citizens.

That's why it's easier just to not do it 🤣

Disclosing I've not RFTF but I'm sure there's been a great mix of opinions from former children. No current children posting here, so the sample is skewed. I've definitely seen both, but the ones where things are chaos are the ones where:

things have been rushed
child's view ignored
trauma from separation from father
new babies
Step siblings
massive age gaps
Going from parent to parent, lacks stability and maybe some jealously of other children
Step dads not interested in being a dad/is a prick and mum won't bin him off etc

Nobody should be dating to shop for a father for their child. You're looking for a partner first and foremost so yes, there's an element of selfishness.

But it's irrelevant, if the relationship improves the lives of the children. Having a father and a full set of grandparents and aunties has undoubtedly improved life, even if it started out as a desire to find a partner.

This statement is made a lot and all I see is unrealistic expectations of what success in a blended family is and also how what would be normal disputes in a nuclear family are seen in a very different and more serious light by others when judging blended families.

A difficult relationship between a child and a biological parent is generally dealt with with much more sympathy for the parent than between a child and step-parent. Step-parents are expected to be a perfect parent combined with someone who also does not parent because it is not their place - this is an impossible standard to live up to.

In my experience if it’s ALL ABOUT THE POOR CHILDREN. Then it leads to shit. In so many circumstances people over compensate and then the step children ( ie the ones that spend the least time at the home) become viewed as MORE important than anyone else. So they don’t feel sad of left out ( despite the fact they don’t care and are having a lovely time at their other parents house) then they start to think they are more important and call the shots and everyone else just has to fit in with whatever suits them, this often leads to terrible behaviours because they know they can get away with it.

I've literally never ever seen this. But if you can't handle someone else's children in your home, don't create that home. So many people seem to think the kids are somehow in control and making the choices...

I thought guinea pigs needed to be kept apart because otherwise they will mate too young? Maybe I am making that up.

If single parenthood was supported more maybe blended families wouldn't be a thing but it's always women who get blamed for marriage failure too for not picking the right man. As though they are psychic

It's when the man shows what he is after the first child and they then have more children, then leave, cry woe is me, and expect everyone else to help them.

If you know he's an arse, do not have more children with him and do not give up your job.

I see - if you say 'it works', it must work for everyone in your family - did they authorise you to speak on their behalves? The children?

I was widowed when my dds were 11 and 13. There's no way me moving in a new man would have been a good thing for their teenage years. Maybe dating would have been OK after a while. They are 17 and 20 now and we've muddled along fine and have a good relationship. I grew up seeing widowed aunts living on their own and having a full and happy life with plenty of friends and activities, so I don't see it as a failing and no one needs to reply I'm going to have a sad life when my kids leave home. I can't speak for others, just for what has been suitable for us.

Indeed.

Although I think that there are problems in many blended families, there are plenty that work. And they work because the grown-ups have the emotional intelligence and the patience and the love to make them work.

And because they work, you tend not to hear about them.

....I'm not sure that I want to hear the backstory that led to this post.

i am sorry for your loss but I can totally relate. In reality your daughters and you avoided potential complications and sexual abuse during a period of grief so this was a wise instinct… not to demonize step dads but you can always socialize when you need to , and keep your sacred space for yourself ..: Ilas for being in a relationship, it really boils down to personality type and the hobbies you enjoy! Personally I am happiest with lots of alone time

In my defense I have always maintained my own separate residence so I never tried to force cohabiting. I agree this sounds daunting, and usually people are pressured. So the time we spend isn’t forced and we have much better family time together now. My kids wanted us to leave, or have my ex arrested at times. Now hr is much better well behaved and they tell me doesn’t rage anymore like he used to. My 12 yo son has said he his very happy. His new step dad is not a replacement dad but he is really “cool”. He has showed my son guitar and le him visit his work and learn about medicine and lasers. So for us personally life is so much happier and more stable now

Do blended families work my ex dragged me to court he now has 50/50 shared care forced by court and Cafcass abuse ignored at all cost, my children are 9/12 and they already have a step sister and ex is having another one my youngest doesn’t cope well and plays up on my week and oldest doesn’t say much, exs partner doesn’t really bother with my children only he does I’m worried this will not help my children’s mental health I am unable to go back to court either.