Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

This is such a sweeping generalisation! Lots of people are shit at picking decent partners and their judgement seems to get worse when they have kids but blended families absolutely can and do work.

My DH isn't my eldest DD's biological father but they've always got on great. We've been together since she was around 9 or 10 so not the easiest age. She's 24 now. Have they ever argued? Yes, of course. But my friend's DH argues with their teenagers WAY more and he is their bio dad. I've frequently seen him be downright mean to his kids.

Families are tough and I suppose it can be harder when the blood ties aren't there but it's genuinely not been an issue for us. I suspect DS (10) and DH are going to be a much bigger struggle through the teenage years than DD and him were (personality clashes).

I think it does become harder if you're blending multiple kids on both sides and the involvement of exes and how they behave complicated things too. I appreciate we were lucky as I only had DD when I met DH, he had no kids and DD's bio dad was completely out of the picture.

I'm not sure if I technically have a blended family. My husband and I got together when I already had children and went on to have more together. And things couldn't be better. If he had come into the relationship already having a child then things would possibly be more tricky. But as it was, he was able to fully commit to me and my children.

I agree with the OP. Looking at two women I know and a man I know.

Deb (not real name obvs) has been married twice.
Deb has 3 kids with husband no 1, and one child with husband no 2.
Husband no 1 remarried a woman with 3 DDs and had another 2 kids with her.
So 9 kids in total all going across different houses. So much uncertaincy.
Deb's eldest DS has mental health problems and has been suicidal following the split from husband no 1.
Deb's middle DD is trans and a school refuser.
Deb is going through another divorce and husband no 2 wants full custody.

Another woman I know, Sarah (again not real name), has been married FIVE times and has 4 kids, 3 stepchildren, 8 grandkids and a great grandchild all before she has turned 50.
Two of Sarah's kids have been in prison for knife crimes. A step child is in prison for murder. One husband was also in prison for drug dealing.
The kids had to deal with fights, drugs, blood, prison visits etc.
The great grandchild has just been taken into care with a view to being adopted (young baby). That kid will have a much more stable and safer life.

The man I know (calling him Dave), is dating a divorced woman with two kids. She's desperate to get married but he won't do it. They live in separate houses. He stays over occassionally and they go on holiday (with the kids). He will also help out with childcare. He has no kids nor will he have any with her. He says he feels the kids have been through enough uncertaincy that he is content with remaining 'the boyfriend'. I think he has a good approach to be honest.

i think people are conveniently forgetting the mere fact that blended families only exist because the original nuclear family’s/relationships didn’t work in the first place. It’s simple just down to human behaviour etc. sometimes it works…sometimes it doesn’t.

Mine works. Lots don't but lots of nuclear families don't either.

Sweeping generalisation.

Yes, it's a generalisation but we are speaking in general so that's ok and appropriate.

I was waiting for someone to point this out!

I agree with this too.

I’ve been a single parent since pregnancy with my youngest when I found out ex-h was having an affair.

Yes, it’s hard the fallout from the divorce was complicated enough. I refuse to add issues to my kids’ lives.

I have dated over the years and I conduct my lovelife away from my kids. (And before anyone says it’s easy if you co-parent, I don’t. Ex-h has set up home with the OW and we barely see him from one year to the next!)

My child comes first end of. I'd have a relationship again but they'd have to be happy living separately. If they complained about that and pressurised me to try and move in then I'd bin them off.
I really don't understand women that move men in that they've known less than a year.

This was what I did, I had relationships after my ex husband left but I never moved anyone in because my child was my priority. I also did not expect any new partner to have a parenting role with my child.

Mine does. We are ridiculously happy (most days 😊) But we took it very slowly, and didn't move in together until 5 years after we met. I think that definitely helped.

It's less common that the man is the one to leave. 80% of splits are due to women leaving.

These threads always go the same way. Adult step children come on and say it’s shit. Teachers come on and say it’s shit. Step mums/mums with a partner who isn’t their children’s dad come on and say maybe some but not mine.. mines perfect….

Most children will not tell their parent they are not happy because they feel the pressure of keeping their parent happy on their shoulders too. Look at all the oh so am I never meant to be happy be single forever yada yada.

No you don’t have to be single forever, but you don’t have to move in a new man and his children, you don’t need to have a new baby with every step daddy who moves in either. You can have a relationship in separate houses.

children are only children for a certain amount of time if you can’t sacrifice just a little to raise your children don’t have them. What’s waiting a few years to move in together? More than your child’s actual happiness and wellbeing. A baby certainly didn’t cement the first relationship so it hardly going to cement the second or third or forth at the happiness of a human who already exists that you decided to bring into the world. They didn’t ask to be born after all.

Some people would say you shouldn't date and should focus on your child. Having a (new) relationship diverts your attention, money, time away from your child. And stresses in that relationship can affect your child.

There can't be a blanket 'blended families don't work' statement then. Yes the OP has said a minority do but actually I know quite a few that do and others on this thread have said so

"If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly"

Is a terrible thing to say and just untrue! The OP isn't the God of blended families. As a PP pointed out, people won't come on here to say how amazing their family is, they come on to ask for advice

Otherwise let's start all these other threads:

Marriages don't work (all the 'My DH has done x, y, z' posts)
Your DH will cheat on you (lots of those threads too)

Etc...etc....

Mumsnet is a place people ask for advice. Doesn't reflect the whole of society so generalisations are not helpful

Unless you're happy to be this way, then you're a martyr. It doesn't make you a better parent to live like this.

It does seem to be very tricky to get right for everyone, judging by many of the threads on here. I do have experience of it working with a close relative, but a spouse had died, the children were very young and were subsequently adopted by the new spouse.

I'm a single parent and won't date anyone with kids nor want further kids. I never see any genuinely happy blended families and it is a choice I am making that I don't want to go there

I would disagree but a few years ago I would have agreed. My husband has 2 children from a previous relationship, they were very young when I met him (eldest was 2, youngest 7 months). He didn't get on with their mother for a long time, there was shit on our part and on her part. We have 2 children of our own now and a few years ago she met her now husband and things calmed down. I think me and her husband keep the peace a lot, though not so much now. They live 4 hours away and we don't drive so she very kindly drives them up to us in half terms and picks them up at the end of the holidays. I'm very close to my stepchildren and consider them my own. They have their own beds, clothes etc here and we speak to them often as well as paying child maintenance. I understand not every family is the same and its taken years for us all to meet on an even ground but it can work

Yep, this.

I recently read a children’s book about a blended family and how the step siblings who were both around age 11 clashed badly at first and hated living with each other.

It was a great read but I was annoyed to see reviews from adult readers saying one of the child characters was so awful.

I know it’s just a book but it’s a reflection on real life - the adult readers just couldn’t see it from a child’s point of view that she wouldn’t want her dad moving another adult in with a child who was the same age as her and ended up joining her school.

Your kids will probably thank you for it. I certainly thank my mum for not subjecting me to living with a random adult male and his kids.

I feel very fortunate that our blended family has worked out perfectly. It was never the plan but after my ex husband abandoned his children to move to a different country (and then covid hit) I made the decision to introduce my children to my partner and made it clear from the outset that if it didn’t work out that would be the end of the relationship.
I think it’s worked for several reasons - mostly my partner is very, very laid back. Happy to muck in with housework etc and to engage with the children but wouldn’t discipline or go against my choices. He also had no children of his own when we started the relationship but he enjoyed spending time with mine. They had plenty of shared interests (the older ones) and he’s always happy to play board games or whatever the younger ones want.
It’s also useful that as far as my kids are aware me, my partner and their dad are the best of friends, that and my partner works long hours and is away a lot so I get plenty of time with just the kids.

I’ve seen a lot of disastrous blended families and it did make me wary but both my partner and I come from successful blended families. He was the son of his mum’s second husband and is very close to his half siblings, I had a brilliant relationship with my step father and step siblings and both of our parents remained friendly with their exes post divorce.

THIS

Of course there are lots of negative threads about blended families on here. People post for advice or or AIBU.

Is anyone going to make a thread about how perfect or smooth their family arrangement is?? Blended or not???

The reason they don't work is one of two things.

Firstly, people go into a second relationship when it's insufficiently committed, not for life etc. In this case, they should have learned first time around that if you're not going to make it truly committed, you are wasting your time.

Secondly, the first breakdown was handled badly and there is still resentment, hatred even. Scandinavian culture does serial monogamy better than we do. I have a Danish stepson and we are genuinely very close and it really does work. My ex is great with my son. I have a lot of time for stepson's mother too. My DH handled their breakup very well, was very generous, no infidelity, etc. All good. I also have an Argentinian stepson, now adult, and although relations are now good with the stepson, my ex handled the breakup with his first wife extremely badly, was serially unfaithful etc., and this resentment definitely spread into our home life. It's usually about how the break up is handled. In both cases, my ex and my current dh were 7 years divorced when I met them.