Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

I am a teacher, and I agree with this- I would say more than half, probably closer to three quarters of children in blended families that I have known are unhappy

I intend to stay single. I wouldn't date somebody kids and I wouldn't inflict anybody on my child either so it's better that way. Made that mistake before!

Somebody "with" kids that should have said!!

And if the child is 2, are you recommending people to stay single for another 17 years?

Er no. I was pregnant at 16 when I didn't even want to be. So I should have waited until I was 34 before having my first relationship?

Yeah, fuck that, Im good.

The advice that should be given is to wait, be sensible, be certain and make sure the person is right for land your children.

@Darhon i dont see children in traditional set ups being split into different homes having to share a parent with half siblings and step siblings. Nor in traditional homes is there a stranger moved into their home. I really don't see those problems at all because these problems are due to blended families. So calm down.

100% this. As pp say often parents think it’s working great but almost no child likes having a new step parent moving in with them. I think it works better when both sides don’t have children and particularly when they new couple doesn’t go onto have children as that’s when kids can feel really excluded.

Appreciate that isn’t helpful for people who have split up and meet someone new but as someone who sees the kids in this situation if I split with DH I’d not move another adult in until the children had moved out/were adults.

I’m 58 and have seen a lot of blended families. The vast majority are shit. I do know of one which works really well, mostly because the step mother enjoys being a martyr, otherwise that one would be a disaster too.

I split up with XH when DC were 10 and 13 and didn’t entertain the notion of trying to move a man into their home or their lives. Their dad tried to insist on forcing a blended family with his new wife and her family but the result is that DC rarely see him which is really sad.

It is perfectly simple to have a boyfriend without moving them in.

Because the decisions people make are not child centred.

I thought that with a friend of my youngest - mother just married again and moved to new house completed different town some distance away no public transport to and from. Child in Y10 so can't move schools and is left hanging round every day for nearly 2 hours after school for ride home - is already running out of places to wait for all that time time - this from a 15 minute walk home. She hates it - hates after GCSE she'll likely not see much of her friends and she's not allowed to be unhappy - plus already talk of more kids.

Mine has.

Didn’t for me, left when my youngest were 2 and 5, eldest 16. 13yrs on now, I’ve not entered into any relationships as I wouldn’t put my youngest through it. Youngest will go to Uni in 2.5yrs and if I want a relationship it won’t be until she’s left.

It's not for me. I will never have another man under my roof while my 3 daughters still live at home.
They come before my love life.

Ridiculous statement. We are a happy ended family and know quite a few more and although many don’t , many do work

If you're going to start a thread for this family situation then you need to start another for all the women who are in shit situations with the biological dad of their 1/2/3 children and who post on here about their "D"Ha being arses to their children, not pulling their weight, not being present, buggering off at the weekends, having affairs, etc etc. And blame those women for having children with those men.

So basically everyone you don't think are living the perfect and virtuous life YOU clearly are.

Plenty of parents struggle with their biological kids, especially during the teenage years. People don’t say “Families don’t work! Divorce their father! You’re being selfish and should put your kids’ wishes first 100% of the time. They didn’t ask for you to get married or to be born!”

All families need effort putting in. All kids can be a pain in the arse at times. We’re a blended family, though the kids are now grown up. They’re all close, and well adjusted and happy. They have loads of contact with each other outside of us. I don’t understand why MN is so anti. Other than lots of women marry a man and believe their children shouldn’t impact upon their lives at all, and secretly wish they’d conveniently disappear. My DSCs have been a blessing to me, I adore them and I’m lucky to have them in my life.

There are also different types of blended families depending on the ages of children, number of children, ex partners present/absent. It's a bit silly to lump them all together.

There absolutely are drawbacks in the wrong circumstances but expecting parents (women) to martyr themselves is too far. Making good choices is more reasonable.

My mother met a man with 2 teenage kids about 30 years ago. I was late teens with younger teenage siblings. They are still together and have never lived together. Perfectly happy in their own homes.

Me and my siblings have never done anything blended with the partner’s kids in their entire relationship. I haven’t even met one of them after all this time!

My DM was never a stepmother to them (although does see them) and her partner isn’t a stepdad to us. It all works perfectly.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not a mum whose sole identity is wrapped up in her children.
I can't actually wait for them to fly the nest

Everyone’s circumstances are different and what works for someone won’t work for others.

my personal feelings have been ramjet I wanted my children to all have the same parents and I really really wouldn’t want DH to have other children if we split up. Obviously I would not have any control over that but i suppose as we get older I don’t think DH would want any more kids anyway.

If you’re a single parent and have made the choice not to have a relationship/move someone in then that’s absolutely your choice and I respect that.

If you’re currently in a happily relationship with the father of your child and you’re saying “if we split up I would definitely stay single” then you really have no place to comment. Believe me, no one “knows” what they would do until you are in that situation. Being a single parent is really, really tough and lonely.

As has been mentioned by many people, each situation is different, it’s not the kind of thing you can just make a sweeping statement about.

Are you the kid or the adult in this family?

I think a lot of people enter them with good intentions but don't understand how difficult the dynamics are. My 18 year old DS hasn't seen his dad since he was a baby. I knew ex DP as a friend for two years before we got together and thought he was a kind, reliable, stable man (which he is TBF) and I thought I was giving DS the father he'd never had. We did move too quickly in terms of having DD but I could never regret that. It was all okay until DS hit the teen years and it all fell apart and I left ex DP. He just couldn't cope with being a step parent. Now I'll never move with a man again, certainly not while DD is a child, but probably never but I would like another relationship at some point.

What a nasty and pointless thread.

I’m guessing your family is perfect, and issue free, OP?

I'm 47, I've spent this weekend with my dad, he's been in hospital, when I say my dad, I mean my step dad, he brought me up, went to my parents evenings, drove me to cadets, told me he was proud of me.... he is my dad in every way that is important and that hasn't changed since my mum died 18 months ago. He had 2 more children with my mum, they are my brother and sister, we don't think of each other as half brother and sister (unless we are trying to piss each other off 🤣), blended family's can work and can work for the best.

A family member has recently left her dp to move in with a new man.
She can’t afford a place on her own so the dc have been forced to live with a man they don’t know 4 days a week.
Her oldest dc, 9, is distraught and wants to go back to his old home and be with his dad.
I cannot understand such utter selfishness and disregard for her dc. And the safeguarding too because this man is probably fine but she doesn’t know that for sure. This guy has teenage dc who are quite full on which is difficult for a quiet dc.