To ask an I overreacting or being odd?

[Fiddlesticks35]

My parents(DP’s)…I’m finding them ridiculously intrusive in what they say…I want to put boundaries in place but I don’t really know how to go about it without being rude or getting their backs up

this is why….

example 1 -missed phoncall so I call back

me- sorry I missed your call I was busy.
DP- oh ok…busy with what?
me- eh…insert random job

example 2- DP Call me (I’m in the car on hands free)
me- hi how are you
dp- (realising im in the car) oh hi where are you going?
me- 🙄insert random place ( I feel this is not necessary)

example 3 - several missed phone calls from one or both parents

me - hi, everything ok?
dp- oh yeah just ringing to say (inset the most random trivial thing!)

example 4 - phone or face to face

me - I was out with a friend / at an appointment
dp- which friend? What appointment?

ok my question is why do they always look for further info? Why can they not accept the information they have been given!!!? They wouldn’t do it to anyone else! what difference does it make to them!

and for the record they are not lonely and they have plenty to do, I talk to them but they need to understand that they can’t know every single detail of every single thing I do! I’m mid thirties ffs!!

AIBU to be irritated by this?

@LuckySantangelo35 no I’m not married

Thank you. I did volunteer info which I felt was important or he needed to know, but inevitably there were things which I didn't feel comfortable just telling him out of the blue, or felt strange to tell him without it being part of a conversation.

My mum did this. It's really wearing and stressful. I got the whole picture from your OP just from having been in it myself. The whole of my 20s having to go off into a corner at parties to reassure my mum that I hadn't died because I hadn't answered every call and text 🙄

Op - AIBU?
Everyone - Yes
Op - well I don't think I am.

Why start this thread if you don't think YABU

Your DP's are asking perfectly normal questions, you seem quite rude in your replies to posters here too op

@ghrubnide I never once said I am reasonable, read my responses correctly please, I have actually said many times “ok maybe I’m being over sensitive” stop trying to shit stir

@Fiddlesticks35 I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Unless you are related to someone like this you have no idea how grating it is. My sister is exactly like you describe.

Sister: do you want to come shopping with me Saturday morning?

Me: Sorry I can't I'm busy

Sis: doing what?

Me: I have an appointment

Sis: what appointment?

It is draining. It might seem like normal conversation when written down or explaining to someone else, but when every call/text conversation is prying it wears thin. It really gets my back up. She isn’t interested, she's nosey and worried she's missing out.

@Fiddlesticks35 I'm with you! My mother does this and it drives me mad as I find it incredibly nosey. I'm aware though that I'm the weird one and she thinks she's just making conversation. However I find her overbearing as she always tries to tell me what to do like I'm still a child and not an adult (does same to my siblings so not just me). So I purposely don't give out any detail because I know what follows. I have raised this with her and she thinks she's being helpful rather than bossy...

Maybe they'd like to have a conversation with you?
Remember how they work - one person says something, another replies?

Better than a one sided monologue where they talk at you and express no interest, or don't even listen to what you say.

Then give a bland response of some kind, eg

DPs: Where were you?
You: Upstairs/in the shower/putting rubbish out/just didn’t get to the phone in time

Don’t tell them anything you don’t want them to know and don’t answer in a way that will lead to further questions (At a friends? Which friend?) You can also distract them with asking them questions instead, especially about their fav hobbies and topics. They’ll then go off on a ramble or rant and you won’t be questioned.

Also, practise polite blocking. How did it go at work? It was fine, thanks What about that big meeting you mentioned last month? Thanks, that was fine If they persist, just rephrase into more blandness: Thanks, it went well

I suspect most people are saying you're unreasonable OP because they don't have parents like yours, and don't understand what it feels like.

I don't either, but DP did, and when I first met her I didn't understand why she withheld so much information from them and seemed to get so annoyed about perfectly ordinary questions like "Oh who'd you go there with?"

And then I met them and found out that they had absolutely no boundaries around their daughter's privacy.

A simple conversation like:
"Hi, missed your call earlier so thought I'd ring you back"
"No problem, where were you, anywhere fun?"
"Nothing exciting, just the doctors"

Now at this point, if it was a conversation I was having with my Mum, she'd just say something like "Hope everything's ok" , leaving me the option to elaborate or say "Yeah all fine" and change the subject. Or if she did push for more information, I'd be able to say "None of your bloody business" in a jokey voice, and she'd get the point that she'd overstepped, without getting offended etc.

Whereas if this conversation was between DP and her Mum, then the next 15 minutes would be taken up with wheedling and pleading until either DP got angry and hung up, or she relented and told her Mum all about the infected boil on her vulva.

And it wasn't just doctors, it was everything. Where she was, who she was with etc. Her mum needed to know everything, and any bit of information that she told her Dad got passed on to her Mum, who then needed the full story.

At that point questions like "Where are you going" or "Who were you with" stop being pleasantries, or conversation starters. They're the beginning of interrogations, and you feel the need to shut them down, to lie about even the littlest things, and it seeps into your relationships with other people too.

DPs Mum died about 10 years ago, her relationship with her Dad is much better now, and she shares things with him and other people much more freely now. But I still notice her tense up every so often when someone asks something as innocuous as "Done anything fun today?"

@Fiddlesticks35 oh my goodness, "shit stir" why is replying to a question that you asked for responses for shit stirring.
You will see I'm not the only poster questioning why you bother asking when your replies still give the air that you think your DP's are wrong for asking and I am not the only poster to say you are rude in your replies on here.
It takes you multiple replies in before you say you are "Maybe" being over sensitive, still not accepting that it is you that's odd not your parents.
Your reply to me confirms that yes you are rude.

Why wouldn't you want them to know?

My parents would definitely ask. It's never struck me as weird.

Sounds like perfectly normal conversation 🤷🏻‍♀️

@DerekFaker because maybe it was a date and they don’t need to know with who…

@ghrubnide and you sound as demanding and as exhausting as my parents 😁

yes, normal. Because if it was a friend they might know that could lead into further conversation 'Oh how are they? When is the wedding? How are her kids? I saw her mother the other day in tesco's....' etc.
If it was a friend they don't know or, for example it was actually a date and you don't want to go into any detail just say 'Oh someone from work/gym/uni, you don't know them,' and move convo on.

They are just making conversation - if you don't want to answer them with the truth or any detail you don't have to, just reply to with something non-committal or vague e.g. 'what were you doing (when too busy to answer the phone)' 'Just work stuff/just cleaning/oh nothing interesting.'

@Bobbotgegrinch i think you’re right in a lot of ways, I’m going to try a few different tacts and see how it goes. I’m over sensitive i think but with good reasons. Thank you.

@easylikeasundaymorn yeah they don’t know any of my current friends as most of my long term friends live abroad except 1 and if I met up with her then I would just say it was her. Most friends I have now are through work or hobbies…they don’t know my parents etc

@Fiddlesticks35 I think you have just proved @ghrubnide's point.
Your parents don't sound demanding and exhausting, you seem to be the one with no social skills, both in real life and on here

@likepebblesonabeach and how did I prove that?

@Fiddlesticks35 there was nothing in the posters reply that sounded demanding or exhausting, your reply was rude.

You ask if you are unreasonable then say ‘I can feel how I feel’

Of course you can feel how you feel. But you asked opinions.

The questions are entirely normal. I also suspect you have never told them you find it so intrusive

But for someone who doesn’t want to share, you share a lot. They are your parents not a friend or an acquaintance. Even friendships have a different dynamics. If my best friend asked for detail it wouldn’t bother me as I tell her most things anyway. If other friends asked for detail I wouldn’t give them it.

Your relationship with your parents is something that’s grown and evolved and you are a part of that. It’s not just their relationship. You are an adult and formed this relationship as well. When I was dating, if my mum asked what I was up to I would say ‘oh our for lunch’ and she would ask who with and I didn’t want to say I would reply ‘Barbara from work’ or I wouldn’t tell her I was out for lunch at all. Or you could just tell them you would prefer not to say who with.

If I didn’t want my mum to know I was at an appointments I just wouldn’t tell her I was at an appointment.

My mum also did the repeat calls. And repeat texts. texts. I would literally ignore her until I could call. Though it was one of the things I missed most when she died. That annoyed me even more. That I missed 😂

These things might be annoying. But it is within the realms of normal and it not really intrusive. Since you answer and seethe silently, they think this is the normal dynamic of your relationship. You are an adult and that relationship is built by both sides

@Wadermellone yes I can see where you’re coming from there. I do feel like when I say I’m doing nothing it’s quite irritating to them because they know I’m not doing “nothing” my mum will literally say “so you’ve say and done nothing, I find that hard to believe!”

My parents were like this.
Honestly, what I wouldn't give to have a call like this from them again. I never minded at the time and felt loved and like they were interested. I really miss it.
If this was a random stranger asking these questions I'd understand your issue. These are your parents.

My mum was like this. Too many phone calls which got my back up and because I didn’t always answer it was perceived by her as high drama and something had to be wrong

It was exhausting!!

however she cared deeply and was not a confident person so I did have to try and meet her in the middle.

id respond to calls a bit more and I’d remind her not to be so dramatic.

taking about the kids or something else helped take the attention off of me.