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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask an I overreacting or being odd?

207 replies

Fiddlesticks35 · 27/01/2024 11:24

My parents(DP’s)…I’m finding them ridiculously intrusive in what they say…I want to put boundaries in place but I don’t really know how to go about it without being rude or getting their backs up

this is why….

example 1 -missed phoncall so I call back

me- sorry I missed your call I was busy.
DP- oh ok…busy with what?
me- eh…insert random job

example 2- DP Call me (I’m in the car on hands free)
me- hi how are you
dp- (realising im in the car) oh hi where are you going?
me- 🙄insert random place ( I feel this is not necessary)

example 3 - several missed phone calls from one or both parents

me - hi, everything ok?
dp- oh yeah just ringing to say (inset the most random trivial thing!)

example 4 - phone or face to face

me - I was out with a friend / at an appointment
dp- which friend? What appointment?

ok my question is why do they always look for further info? Why can they not accept the information they have been given!!!? They wouldn’t do it to anyone else! what difference does it make to them!

and for the record they are not lonely and they have plenty to do, I talk to them but they need to understand that they can’t know every single detail of every single thing I do! I’m mid thirties ffs!!

AIBU to be irritated by this?

OP posts:
RichardMarxisinnocent · 27/01/2024 11:46

HollyKnight · 27/01/2024 11:35

That's called having a conversation! They're responding to what you say. If they didn't ask questions, the convo would go like...

You: "Hi, sorry I missed your call. I was busy."
Them: "That's ok."
...silence...
You: "So...?"
Them: "So?"
You: "You called me."
Them: "Yes. How are you?"
You: "I'm ok."
Them: "That's good."
...silence...

That's almost how phone calls from my late dad used to go. He was terrible at conversation and pretty much the only questions he asked were "how are you?" and "how's work?". After I'd said I was fine or ok or a bit tired he wouldn't ask anything further, and he didn't understand my job so the work one dried up after I'd said it was busy. He never asked anything like what are you doing this weekend, what have you been up to recently, how was your holiday/other activity/event I'd told him I was doing, or anything that would have led to him learning about my life.

I know he loved me, and I think he was at least a bit interested in my life as he listened when I told him about things unprompted, and mentioned things I'd said to other family members. I just wish he would have shown that interest by asking me about my life.

m00rfarm · 27/01/2024 11:48

But they’re not just someone. They’re your parents. When you have children you’ll do the same. Actually, maybe YOU won’t, but most parents do. I don’t speak to my friends in exactly the same way. But if one of them said they’d been really busy, I’d probably ask if it was anything exciting. So yes. You’re overreacting.

Original poster
Fiddlesticks35 · 27/01/2024 11:48

@Thehamsterthatcametotea no I haven’t but I do think they are being nosy that’s all. I’m actually a great conversationalist I just don’t pry for further information in those circumstances

OP posts:
kalokagathos · 27/01/2024 11:48

Total overreaction from my reading but we have a brother-in-law like you. Most people in my family are like what you describe - we are a Polish and Ghanaians and are quite direct

Celticliving · 27/01/2024 11:50

Sorry but those are all totally normal questions, especially from your parents.

OriginalUsername2 · 27/01/2024 11:50

Just say “oh just boring stuff”, “this and that” , “just out and about” and change the subject.

And stop saying sorry for missing calls since this triggers it.

I do get what you mean. You’re old enough to not have to explain every movement to mum and dad now! Maybe you just need to mention that to them in a lighthearted way?

Justcallmebebes · 27/01/2024 11:51

It's called making conversation Confused

Merryoldgoat · 27/01/2024 11:51

Fiddlesticks35 · 27/01/2024 11:42

Maybe I am being over sensitive

I don’t know about sensitive but your parents appear to have typical conversational skills and you sound frustrating to talk to and a bit touchy.

TeenLifeMum · 27/01/2024 11:52

I wouldn’t expect my friends to ask what I’m busy with but totally normal for parents to ask, they’re showing an interest/making conversation. If I’m driving them totally normal for the caller to say “oh where are you off to?”

Aptique · 27/01/2024 11:53

It's YOU. You are the weird, odd one. Fairly typical normal questions. I do this my dp's. Stop looking for issues with them and realise it's you who is the issue.

CucumberBagel · 27/01/2024 11:54

For me, it depends on tone. "Busy doing what?!" in a snappy way would be rude. But a more casual, "oh, what you been up to?" sort of thing is normal.

Are you neurodiverse, OP?

SweetFemaleAttitude · 27/01/2024 11:54

There's got to be a backstory here because asking who you went to lunch with and where you went is just normal conversation.

If my mum would ask I would happily tell her what I had to eat too and if it was nice.

She would probably ask how my friend was doing too.

This isn't nosey!

Original poster
Fiddlesticks35 · 27/01/2024 11:54

So let me get this straight…if a parent or child says

oh I was having lunch with a friend …
you are well within your rights to say “which friend?”

to me that’s the end of that..,the word friend means (I don’t want to tell you who!) but feel free to ask “oh anywhere nice” what did you eat” etc

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 27/01/2024 11:55

RichardMarxisinnocent · 27/01/2024 11:46

That's almost how phone calls from my late dad used to go. He was terrible at conversation and pretty much the only questions he asked were "how are you?" and "how's work?". After I'd said I was fine or ok or a bit tired he wouldn't ask anything further, and he didn't understand my job so the work one dried up after I'd said it was busy. He never asked anything like what are you doing this weekend, what have you been up to recently, how was your holiday/other activity/event I'd told him I was doing, or anything that would have led to him learning about my life.

I know he loved me, and I think he was at least a bit interested in my life as he listened when I told him about things unprompted, and mentioned things I'd said to other family members. I just wish he would have shown that interest by asking me about my life.

Show quote history

Aw I'm sorry. If he was anything like my dad he probably just thought if you had something interesting or important going on then you would have told him. Maybe like the OP he thought it would be intrusive to ask you anything "personal" so he just waited for you to share voluntarily.

Original poster
Fiddlesticks35 · 27/01/2024 11:56

@CucumberBagel if I was neurodiverse I would have said. No im not…

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 27/01/2024 11:56

Fiddlesticks35 · 27/01/2024 11:54

So let me get this straight…if a parent or child says

oh I was having lunch with a friend …
you are well within your rights to say “which friend?”

to me that’s the end of that..,the word friend means (I don’t want to tell you who!) but feel free to ask “oh anywhere nice” what did you eat” etc

Of course you are! My parents and grandparents all do this to me and I do it back to them as well. I’m baffled that this has actually got anybody so vexed🤣

ApolloandDaphne · 27/01/2024 11:57

That's how conversations with my DH, DM and DDs go. Surely it's normal to be interested in what family are up to?

Celticliving · 27/01/2024 11:58

Fiddlesticks35 · 27/01/2024 11:54

So let me get this straight…if a parent or child says

oh I was having lunch with a friend …
you are well within your rights to say “which friend?”

to me that’s the end of that..,the word friend means (I don’t want to tell you who!) but feel free to ask “oh anywhere nice” what did you eat” etc

That's a TOTALLY normal response!!

Celticliving · 27/01/2024 11:59

Fiddlesticks35 · 27/01/2024 11:56

@CucumberBagel if I was neurodiverse I would have said. No im not…

I was wondering if you were ND, too.

Apparently just a bit rude.

EdgarsTale · 27/01/2024 11:59

You sound like hard work. Do you dislike your parents for some reason?

What you’re describing is completely normal between parents & children. It would be strange if they weren’t interested in what you do.

CucumberBagel · 27/01/2024 11:59

Fiddlesticks35 · 27/01/2024 11:56

@CucumberBagel if I was neurodiverse I would have said. No im not…

OK, then. Your response to normal conversation is weird. HTH.

Original poster
Fiddlesticks35 · 27/01/2024 11:59

I just find it intrusive to be honest…

if someone says I was at an appointment..I don’t “what appointment?” I might say. All ok? And I’ll let them say…oh yes all good or whatever they want to say.

OP posts:
Theatrefan12 · 27/01/2024 12:00

Fiddlesticks35 · 27/01/2024 11:54

So let me get this straight…if a parent or child says

oh I was having lunch with a friend …
you are well within your rights to say “which friend?”

to me that’s the end of that..,the word friend means (I don’t want to tell you who!) but feel free to ask “oh anywhere nice” what did you eat” etc

Well for a start saying “lunch with a friend” sounds very formal for a conversation with parents

I would be saying “oh I was out having lunch with Jane” so they wouldn’t need to ask which one.

But if I did say friend it wouldn’t be weird to say who were you out with. Same if the conversation was the other way round

Celticliving · 27/01/2024 12:00

I'd also happily say to a friend "oooh, who were you having lunch with'.

Cos, you know, I want the people I love to think that I take an interest in their lives. Cos, you know, that's a pretty normal part of life and conversation.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/01/2024 12:01

Fiddlesticks35 · 27/01/2024 11:59

I just find it intrusive to be honest…

if someone says I was at an appointment..I don’t “what appointment?” I might say. All ok? And I’ll let them say…oh yes all good or whatever they want to say.

I mean there’s a huge difference between asking someone what medical appointment they were at, and asking who they had lunch with surely?

I think stop digging OP and read the replies, you’re being unreasonable