To ask an I overreacting or being odd?

[Fiddlesticks35]

My parents(DP’s)…I’m finding them ridiculously intrusive in what they say…I want to put boundaries in place but I don’t really know how to go about it without being rude or getting their backs up

this is why….

example 1 -missed phoncall so I call back

me- sorry I missed your call I was busy.
DP- oh ok…busy with what?
me- eh…insert random job

example 2- DP Call me (I’m in the car on hands free)
me- hi how are you
dp- (realising im in the car) oh hi where are you going?
me- 🙄insert random place ( I feel this is not necessary)

example 3 - several missed phone calls from one or both parents

me - hi, everything ok?
dp- oh yeah just ringing to say (inset the most random trivial thing!)

example 4 - phone or face to face

me - I was out with a friend / at an appointment
dp- which friend? What appointment?

ok my question is why do they always look for further info? Why can they not accept the information they have been given!!!? They wouldn’t do it to anyone else! what difference does it make to them!

and for the record they are not lonely and they have plenty to do, I talk to them but they need to understand that they can’t know every single detail of every single thing I do! I’m mid thirties ffs!!

AIBU to be irritated by this?

@SurelySmartie yrs I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. I think I hold back because when I give them too much information they see that as an inroad into thinking they can have an opinion, input into the situation etc iyswim?

@Mrsjayy ive tried telling them. It falls on deaf ears.

Yabu ! Your parents are interested in your life !
I would have loved this u don’t realise how lucky you are !

I'm talking about your views on what is and isn't good/acceptable conversation.

@Bumblebeestiltskin there’s a difference between conversation and a Spanish Inquisition 🤪

I actually agree with you here!

If I said I didn't answer because I was busy, I wouldn't expect anyone to ask what I was busy with as A, it's none of their fucking business, and B, what does it matter?!. I don't ask my OH what he was busy with if he didn't answer the phone, as it doesn't matter and will be something that I probably have no interest in.

Your poor parents 😞 You are treating them awfully.

Yes it’s blurred boundaries isn’t it.
It can get worse as they get older as they start to become upset and outraged that you might have your own important things to do and not be there every single time they need something. That might not happen in your situation though. (I’m trying not to catastrophise myself!)

@HalloumiGeller THANK YOU!! I was starting to think I am Going insane!! I don’t always say I was busy either..sometimes I say oh I was in the shower or I was driving. But at times it’s easier to say…I was busy. Or I genuinely don’t need them to know I was getting my bikini line waxed!!

@BananasInThreePieceSuits thats a bit of an assumption to make, I treat them very kindly. I take my dad to his doc appointments every month. I help my mum sort things for the house. I take her away on nights to a hotel etc. I’m very kind to them. They still are not entitled to know my every move!

@SurelySmartie it already has unfortunately.

One or two people agreeing with you on AIBU and you’re now going to ignore the 90% saying you’re unreasonable. Of course.

@SuperDopper i haven’t ignored them, I have actually acknowledged them a lot to be fair. I have said several times, ok yeah maybe im being over sensitive.

Would this be better?

me - I was out with a friend / at an appointment
dp- which friend? What appointment?
Dp - okay bye

You're welcome as I completely agree! Lol. I don't need to share every bit of my life with other people! Im the same as you, sometimes I'll say "I was on the loo" or "I was putting a wash on" other times I'll just say sorry I was busy, what's up? It's not a standard response to ask what someone was busy doing. As you say, what if it was something u don't want to share? It's nosey and u don't ask unless the info is offered!

@Fiddlesticks35

You are not unreasonable.

You are not overly sensitive.

They are intrusive.

And just because, on this thread, people don't necessarily agree with how you feel, you are absolutely, not wrong.

Set your boundaries, they are interested in your life, obviously, but their third degree approach irks.

Good luck🌻

What happens after these interactions, though?
It's similar to my mother, but these questions led onto barbs or very intrusive questions. On hearing I'd been to the hairdresser: " How much was it? That's expensive! How on earth could you afford it?" On hearing I'd been chatting to an old school friend: "Had she had sex with her boyfriend yet?" This is the same person who, when I got my first mobile (at 19]) thought not only should she be allowed to see the envelope flying on the screen but expected to be read the message, even those from my boyfriend!
My sister, on the other hand, likes to use information against me or, if she can, better me in some way. Thus I refused to tell her I was going to America for the first time as I knew she'd be over there before me just to spite me (she had done this very thing, to another country, in the past).
If you have normal relations normal conversations like this are banal. To those of us with toxic families such questions are very loaded.

@CharlotteStreetW1 no but

me - I was out with a friend / at an appointment
dp- oh lovely! Did you have a nice time?

would be better? Don’t you think?

@TimeIhadaNightCapwithSanta it can lead to somewhat similar I suppose.

the appointment one, depending on the appointment can be like that, if I say I was at the doctor? It’s why? Why did you not tell me? What did they say!? Do you have to take any medication? And then the next day’s phonecall…did you take your meds? I’m 35 ffs I don’t need to be parented like that.

i don’t tell them about dates…for the obvious reason. There would be 101 questions about a guy they may never meet and may have no meaning in their life 🤪

So not entirely toxic just very emotionally loaded and intrusive

just make up stuff if you think they are crossing a line as I said they are nosey and intrusive so that's blurring your lines and you are hypersensitive about it. I can't get over them phoning you at work!

I wonder if there's some tone that's being missed here because on the surface it sounds very unreasonable of you. I'm really surprised anyone has described you as a great conversationalist given how odd your 'rules' sound. I suspect that's why some people have wondered if this is a wind up.

I would find this exhausting. You'd like my parents - we meet up once a month or two, catch up with each other's news for a couple of hours and that's that! Mum particularly doesn't like using the phone, Dad's fine with a call for relating information, but they would never call like yours do!

Anyway, I think it's right to think about boundaries to ease this for you. Do you always answer their calls? If it's daily, could you start introducing the idea of leaving two or three days before talking next?

You’re kind of inviting their questions by adding unnecessary information, eg being at an appointment. They might think you mentioned that because you wanted a comment/question/sympathy from them. It’s natural for them to respond. If you don’t like it, don’t mention the appointment/lunch/friend.

You: Hi DPs - sorry I missed your call. Everything ok?
DPs: Yes, thanks, we were just calling to….

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas not answering the phone calls is a whole other story, I have tried that at times. Like I said it leads to repeat calls and even texts saying “where are you!? Call me please! Then I call and it’s a Spanish Inquisition and emotionally loaded conversation “do you not want to talk to me?! What have you been doing!? Why couldn’t you answer?! It’s exhausting. @TidyDancer yes the time is very demanding not in the slightest bit light n airy and nicely inquisitive I suppose.