To ask an I overreacting or being odd?

[Fiddlesticks35]

My parents(DP’s)…I’m finding them ridiculously intrusive in what they say…I want to put boundaries in place but I don’t really know how to go about it without being rude or getting their backs up

this is why….

example 1 -missed phoncall so I call back

me- sorry I missed your call I was busy.
DP- oh ok…busy with what?
me- eh…insert random job

example 2- DP Call me (I’m in the car on hands free)
me- hi how are you
dp- (realising im in the car) oh hi where are you going?
me- 🙄insert random place ( I feel this is not necessary)

example 3 - several missed phone calls from one or both parents

me - hi, everything ok?
dp- oh yeah just ringing to say (inset the most random trivial thing!)

example 4 - phone or face to face

me - I was out with a friend / at an appointment
dp- which friend? What appointment?

ok my question is why do they always look for further info? Why can they not accept the information they have been given!!!? They wouldn’t do it to anyone else! what difference does it make to them!

and for the record they are not lonely and they have plenty to do, I talk to them but they need to understand that they can’t know every single detail of every single thing I do! I’m mid thirties ffs!!

AIBU to be irritated by this?

@SuperDopper i never said abusive at all.
if they tell me they were with a friend then I accept the answer. I don’t need to know who unless they tell me. I then carry on to ask/tell them other things.

I mean it's your mum and dad not randomers, it's just back and forth chat I was busy oh busy with what etc etc. it sounds like you don't like intrusion which is fine but it does sound like a you thing.

Do you have children of your own, OP? I think if you do and you don’t get why your own parents want to know personal things about your life then what you’re describing is very odd. If you don’t then perhaps your take on the situation is less strange, but I still don’t think anything you’ve said is even remotely intrusive or peculiar of them.

A friend, more distant relative or colleague asking such questions might be a little off, but from a parent or sibling, completely normal.

Didn’t say you did. I just covered all obvious negative explanations that you are desperately trying to seek in this thread.

You do sound as if you’re being fairly evasive when speaking to them., but you may have good reason to keep them slightly at arm’s length.They love you and want to feel part of your life, so I can understand why they ask direct questions. However they don’t sound very socially skilled in asking, being so direct.

I didn’t get on very well with my own Mum, and felt the need to keep her out of my life’s details - and I much prefer communication to be a more natural process than answering a series of questions. My DH sometimes does this when I get home asking for ‘any news?’, I’m usually happy to chat about my day as it occurs to me later but not give a full debrief when I walk through the door, but I suspect it’s because of my own relationship with my parents.

Try to adapt the conversations with your parents to how you would like to communicate, steer the conversation quickly on to subjects and anecdotes that you are happy to share. Whether it’s simple things like the weather, something you did earlier in the week, or the state of traffic on your journey. Also consider why you feel the need to exert boundaries with them, is there some history why you feel uncomfortable chatting to them about your day to day life?

would it not occur to you to say oh how is "friend" I hope "friend " is OK. its just taking an interest in their life that's all.

These are perfectly normal, boring questions. YABU.

@HollyKnight if I say I was doing nothing then they say something like “you’ve done nothing” why didn’t you call in? Or why didn’t you arrange to do something with us (which I do often enough) but I have other things to do.

How close do you feel to your parents? Have you never trusted them with personal information? Would you have told your mum there was a bloke at college/work who you fancied for example?

I have adult DC and our conversations are far more detailed than yours appear to be. I would feel like I was being held at arms length by you. You may have really valid reasons for this if they are prone to manipulation, criticism or abuse, but you haven’t mentioned anything like that.

If my DC have missed calls it will go something like this:

DC: Sorry I missed your call, I was on a work TEAMS meeting about xyz.
ME: No problem, how’s that project going?
DC: Alright I think, been a long week.
ME: Hasn’t it!! You out this weekend?
DC: Yeah I am off to cinema tomorrow and party at Emma’s Saturday night.
ME: Sounds good. What film are you seeing?
DC: Poor Things.
ME: Are you going alone?
DC: Yeah.
ME: Talk about my own weekend plans…

Does this sound like a horrible intrusive conversation to you OP?

@Mrsjayy I can’t ask about a friend I don’t know or know the name of? I would ask questions like? Oooh did you go anywhere nice? Have anything nice to eat? Or I would say oh that’s lovely, nice to get out and catch up etc

It sounds like they love you and are just interested in your life!

They're just normal questions.

@Harrietsaunt no because they already told you about said project and who they were going to the cinema with. If they said oh I’m going to the cinema with a friend…would you then say “who?

I don’t think my DC have ever said “I am having lunch/dinner/theatre with a friend.” They would always name the friend.

If it were a new friend they would explain who they were. “Izzy, a woman who just started at work a couple of weeks ago” so I haven’t ever needed to ask. I would though.

You seem to want a very polite and slightly formal relationship with your parents. Most people I'd guess have a less formal and more relaxed way of talking with family as they have lived together so long, been brought up together etc. You keep comparing your interactions with your parents to interactions with people you know a lot less well which is why it comes across to many here as strange and why the comparisons don't really work.

Could it be that you are trying to stop them getting information because you feel this will lead on to pressures being put on you or be used in some ways? Sometimes a question "busy in what way" could lead to suggestions that you shouldn't be busy with that thing but spending more time with them instead? Or giving details of your plans might mean people start pressuring to make different plans. If you have a relationship like that then I could see you trying to not give so much information and want to create more space. But, otherwise, to be so formal and remote from parents and find normal conversational questions so galling doesn't seem usual.

Ok I’ve had some food for thought, I can see I’m being oversensitive but it does get tiring. I can try to phrase things differently but I suspect they will always want to know details…details I’m not always into divulging I suppose

Your parents want to make conversation with you. How awful. Send them to Guantanamo.

i wish i had the option of talking to mine still. Have a word with yourself.

They're just making conversation. If I talk to my children, DH, friend, parent whatever and they say "I'm just going out to meet a friend" then I would naturally respond "Oh which friend?". It's just normal!!
I think you're communicating very strangely! You're very deliberately being vague so they have to ask more questions. I mean most people don't always say "I'm in the middle of a job". They say "I'm in the middle of hanging the washing the washing out". Most people don't say "I'm going somewhere to meet a friend". They say "I'm going to town to meet Claire". If you weren't so annoyingly vague they wouldn't have to ask so many questions!!

I'd say from the majority of responses here, you're not quite the conversationalist you think you are, sorry 😆

@bohemianmullet i think because i find them quite overbearing (especially when i lived with them) I couldn’t even get off the couch without being asked where I was going!
they call me nearly daily if they can…
they call me several times in a row…when Im in work. If I don’t answer the first time they just ring and ring again, for nothing crazy at all.

if my Dds just said oh I'm going out with a friend I'd probably want to elaborate just chat really no ulterior motive, do you think your parents are nosey ?

@Bumblebeestiltskin typing responses on an internet forum is not exactly the same thing is it?

@Mrsjayy yes they are nosy 🤣

OP I’m guessing you might have felt violated, intruded upon or boundary-crossed or smothered by your parents your whole life and this is really a manifestation of your anger towards them. Understandable.
Could be wrong.

Well phoning you at work is ridiculous really isn't it? that's probably why they are annoying you at other times.