To ask an I overreacting or being odd?

[Fiddlesticks35]

My parents(DP’s)…I’m finding them ridiculously intrusive in what they say…I want to put boundaries in place but I don’t really know how to go about it without being rude or getting their backs up

this is why….

example 1 -missed phoncall so I call back

me- sorry I missed your call I was busy.
DP- oh ok…busy with what?
me- eh…insert random job

example 2- DP Call me (I’m in the car on hands free)
me- hi how are you
dp- (realising im in the car) oh hi where are you going?
me- 🙄insert random place ( I feel this is not necessary)

example 3 - several missed phone calls from one or both parents

me - hi, everything ok?
dp- oh yeah just ringing to say (inset the most random trivial thing!)

example 4 - phone or face to face

me - I was out with a friend / at an appointment
dp- which friend? What appointment?

ok my question is why do they always look for further info? Why can they not accept the information they have been given!!!? They wouldn’t do it to anyone else! what difference does it make to them!

and for the record they are not lonely and they have plenty to do, I talk to them but they need to understand that they can’t know every single detail of every single thing I do! I’m mid thirties ffs!!

AIBU to be irritated by this?

That's just parents in general I think. They love being nosy and having something to gossip about. You'll miss the phonecalls one day.

@BreatheAndFocus i like this response. However the next question would be where were you?

FFS it's called conversation. They are showing interest in you. Would you prefer not to speak to them at all?
What do you have to hide from them?

I think it would depend on the tone of voice. If they’re sounding interested rather than accusatory then it’s entirely normal in my book. It sound's like they just like to chat with you and hear what you’re up to. Make the most of it!

Not read the whole thread.
Have read the OP but not sure whether we are talking biological parents of OP or in-law parents (i.e. OP's partners parents).

Context is key. Clearly there is a back story here and depending on that the interpretation could be anything on the spectrum from

• they are being incredibly nosy bordering on the controlling
• they are incredibly lonely and OP is there only interesting highlight in their day
• they rely on OP for something and OP resents it (reasonably or unreasonably, who knows)
• they are simply trying to be friendly and show interest in OP's life so they can relate more to OP and be a good friend/relative to OP

Depending on the context I really don't understand why people who find themselves in conversations where they are driving in the car and someone phones them and asks during the conversation where they are going and they either don't want to disclose or don't want to get into it - why can't they say "Oh nowhere interesting" or "I'm just on routine errands" or something dismissive. If they press the point you could say, "Actually I am in a real hurry Ive got to go sorry I cannot talk right now"or "The traffic is incredibly busy and stressful I am finding it difficult to talk and drive can we talk later please".

Anyone who finds the above replies unreasonable is being unreasonable themselves.

All relationships require mutual trust, even if there is an element of obligation (eg in-laws). But there are ways of closing down questions without being rude if that is what you want to do.

My mum wants to know every detail of my life but I only tell her stuff I want her to know. If I had been on a date for example and she asked who I'd been out with I'd just name one of my friends. It meets her need to know what I'm up to and keeps things I don't want to share private.

Do you have dc?
Do you ask them about what they did at school and who they played with at play time?

If I said to my Dad that I was going out with friends he would probably ask who, not because he’s nosey but because he is interested.

Good lord OP it's genuinely how conversations are had! Genuinely. This is perfectly normal...how did you get to be an adult and not develop these skills?

@ScierraDoll I can ultimately “hide” whatever I like though if I choose to…it’s my life is it not? I don’t owe them information on my every move.

You’re not over sensitive, OP. I’m perfectly capable of conversation but I know exactly what you mean, it’s intrusive and very nosey. I had a friend like this and I cut her off because I was sick to death of 20 questions about every aspect of my life. Where are you going? Why are you going there? Who with? What time will you be back? What did you buy from the shop? It’s difficult to accurately put into words to other people on the internet as they will think you’re miserable, but I know! It’s suffocating.

Are you my son?
He moans if I ask him anything about his life, then complains if I don’t ask for details and don’t remember what he did, when and with who.

Your parents are interested in your life. Knock the constant calling when you are working on the head, and be vague with responses when you don’t want to reveal what you were doing but don’t come back in a few months time to post about the fact your parents aren’t interested in you.

It’s HOW the questions are asked as well that makes all the difference!

The replies are unfair I think. When I met my partner he was so dismissive of his parents and I just didn’t understand how he could be so short with them all the time. My parents are fairly stand offish so I just thought his were so lovely. It’s now a few years later and I’ve had loads of issues with them being overbearing and nosy and it’s been quite hard to navigate. Half the stuff in our house has been bought by them and whenever they come over they have a good
nose around in the cupboards. I know because things get slightly moved around when they’ve been. Also when I have an appointment they want to know the ins and outs. I just tell them. I’m going to a smear test. That’s where I’m off to. It gets a bit much sometimes though.

Just wanted to add I think it’s because they are retired and need to focus their attentions on something. My parents have their hobbies instead.

I am very similar to you but I know it’s my problem and not anyone else’s and so YABU.

They are just asking normal questions to make conversation and seem interested.

If your mum said she has had a busy week, your first instinct would just be to ask why.
You wouldn’t just say “ok”.

Usually when people mention that they’ve been busy, it’s because they’re happy to talk about it.

Remember you don’t have to tell them the truth.
And you don’t have to answer the phone or say you didn’t hear it ringing.

I suspect, like in my case, your mum was quite controlling towards you as a child and you’ve just got this instinct to have your own life and feel she’s trying to always be a part of it, not in a nice way but in a controlling way.

You asked a question and because people have a different view you are arguing from your original position

Most people think it's normal

You don't.

Don't know what else to say about it really

I really think you're blowing this out of all proportion

OP is avoiding all questions about tone so I wouldn't bother.

OP use your do not disturb option more often on your phone and then these situations where you are busy but not too busy to pick up the phone wouldn’t occur.

@Fiddlesticks35

yabu

why are you so cagey about where you’ve been and who with etc? Are you having an affair or something?

It literally is the art of conversation though????

eg
i call a friend:
me: hey how are you doing?
them: good thanks, been out and about this morning
me: oooh lovely where did you? Anywhere nice? Did you go by yourself or did X come along too?
them: yes I went to buy some new shoes for work and then we had lunch out
me; sounds great! That reminds me, I need some new shoes too. Where did you eat lunch?

like, totally totally normal surely?!!! 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like there's some background or history involved op. If it's not them just asking general questions out of interest and it's probing into every detail then yes I get it. My dm is like this, but she's always been very controlling and she emotionally blackmails and manipulates. If telling your parents where you've been and with who leads to the inference by them that you should have spent any free time with them, like my dm does, then that's a different story to them just asking lots of questions or being nosy.

The multiple phone calls even when they know you're at work sound familiar, my dm would also feel leaving one voicemail isn't enough, multiple texts too, even after Id clarified if anything was wrong (it wasn't). Imo it depends what's being done with the info you give them. For me themstarted when I left home, but really ramped up once dh and I started living together, if I missed a day calling dm for a chat or didn't call her back til the next day, she'd tell me her friend Sheila's daughter phoned her every day without fail etc.
Not saying your dp are like this, but it does sound like there's a background story with them making you feel stifled and that they've possibly been controlling. Do you have any siblings or is the focus always on you?

I dislike small talk but have come to expect this this is part of life with parents and siblings even some close coworkers.

If i say to my parents I was out we friends they will always ask which friend. They don't know any of my friends but it's the social construct they follow. I reply with someone from work or NCT or Uni and leave it at that.

I know it is a me thing that doesn't like small talk and my best to include it in my life. If a colleague says he went to the cinema I will ask what film and if it was any good. If they lived in the same area as me I would ask if they went to X cinema. I struggle with maintaining friendships and have often come across as cold and aloof especially in the workplace where often I couldn't care less what the person I don't have a reason to talk to did at the weekend just because I have chosen the same time as making a cup of tea.

Mine and my partners parents and siblings and co workers I speak to daily I put the effort in. Parents I walk past at nursery drop off less so. I only have a small amount of small talk in me and my mum would like it if I wasted it on them and ran out when it came to talking to her!

Yes, I thought as much tbh. Ok, you did mention wanting to set boundaries, but you also need to decide if you're able to weather the storm that will come with it! I think it needs a bit of planning, what you'll say and how you'll respond to various things they might do or say, and then expect the next three months to be very difficult.

A basic structure for putting a boundary in place might be:

Decide what you want - eg phone calls twice a week, no more than 40 minutes each.

Initial conversation: bring it up during a conversation when you're relaxed, not driving or stressed. Plan a fairly bland way to explain it: "I'd like to chat to you when I can sit down for a while and put life to one side" or something similar which is as inoffensive as possible.

Defend your boundaries: when they inevitably ignore your request and call within twenty minutes of initial conversation(!) Have something bland to say: "Sorry Mum, it's not a good time - I'll speak to you on Wednesday." Hang up. Repeat.

It will be very very difficult, so you need planned grey rock-type statements so that you don't give them further ammunition, so to speak.

Final step: don't give in or change anything for a set time period you decide in advance, eg three months. It will get worse before it gets better.

You may decide the status quo is easier and that's fine too. It depends what impact they have on your life as a whole, on your mental health.

@CucumberBagel i actually addressed their tone…