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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asking me what will happen to him and kids when I die??

291 replies

Justawoman88 · 26/01/2024 23:43

Was in the car driving home and my husband said as an statement that if I died then him and our 3 children would be out on the streets and that I need to sort out a will. If he died still I would have money and I can live happily .
To give context, he's never been the provider, never had money . 10 years married and I've been the provider and the reason we have a roof over our heads. Truth is , I have nothing to my name. Years of spending my savings plus working and giving my family everything. I'm tired of having the world on my shoulders. I think this comment is sickening. I don't know, if I confront him I know he'll gaslight me or make me feel silly .

OP posts:
Tuelanak · 26/01/2024 23:48

Tell him he'd have to put his big boy pants on and find a job. Plenty of single parents have to do that.

Actually...OP, you do that too. Might as well be single in this case

Logainm · 26/01/2024 23:49

Doesn’t he work? Do you rent or own where you live? Doesn’t he understand how inheritance works if you were to die intestate?

DarkRipePlum · 26/01/2024 23:49

Why isn’t he working? Don’t put up with this.

Ponoka7 · 26/01/2024 23:49

If you die then he alone inherits as your husband. He need to consider if you want to mention your children in your will. Tbh everyone should be discussing and sorting their wills out.

MumChp · 26/01/2024 23:49

He would have to work? As most parents of today.

Redshoeblueshoe · 26/01/2024 23:50

Has he got a job ? If not he could start off by getting one.
Ask him what the fuck he's going to do from now on to support you and your kids

DifficultBloodyWoman · 26/01/2024 23:50

My first thought is - he wants you to buy life insurance, don’t! It’ll give him a motive to kill you! 🤣

My second thought is that the first post nailed it.

idontlikealdi · 26/01/2024 23:52

That's a conversation between you, not the kids. Get w will

Throwawayaccountonaccountofthis · 26/01/2024 23:52

I don’t think it’s sickening, but obviously there’s more to his statement if it’s making you feel that way.
I know if I die then, with my life insurance, work death in benefits etc etc DH & DC would be okay.
However, DH is sadly terminally ill and I won’t be okay and we are now in the situation where I’m trying to organise getting the house on the market to find somewhere a lot cheaper before he does die.

Yazo · 26/01/2024 23:53

Always helpful to have a will when you have children, that in itself isn't gaslighting.

idontlikealdi · 26/01/2024 23:53

Sorry, didn't notice he doesn't work (wine)

He needs to work in the first instance

Aquamarine1029 · 26/01/2024 23:54

The only question you should be asking yourself is why you have tolerated this useless cocklodger all of these years. What on earth are you doing?? Are your standards really this low?

Get rid of this hanger-on and his stupid question doesn't even need to be answered.

mdinbc · 26/01/2024 23:58

I don't understand how you think this is gaslighting? If you are the main earner, you need to have enough life insurance to cover keeping a roof over your children's head, and raise them in comfort.

afkonholidaynearleek · 27/01/2024 00:03

I think it's perfectly normal to be concerned about what would happen in the event of your spouse's death. He would have to find a job, of course.

Do you have any sort of plan on place, in case either (or both) of you die?

SisyphusDad · 27/01/2024 00:05

He is totally responsible for doing whatever is necessary to support his children for as long as it takes.

Been there, done that for over a decade.

TTCSoManyQuestions88 · 27/01/2024 00:07

Why isn't he working? Why are you so resentful, you've accepted this for the last 10 years so what has changed?

Nofilteritwonthelp · 27/01/2024 00:09

Why did you have children with this useless waste of space. Get rid.

Chickpea17 · 27/01/2024 00:09

Definitely didn't call it gaslighting my husband is the highest earner since I stepped back from my career after I had my daughter. We wasn't married at the time had to explain to my husband he had to get a will sorted he completely understood where I was coming from.
I'm assuming he's the stay at home parent?

Chickpea17 · 27/01/2024 00:09

Wouldn't *

PaulCostinRIP · 27/01/2024 00:12

Why are you with this useless lump that can't get off his lazy arse and help contribute to the family he has jointly created?

What do you find attractive to someone akin to being excess baggage?

He has no shame, no work ethic and is happy for you to do it all whilst he plonks his arse in bed next to you of a night and probably sleeps soundly whilst you are running through a mental checklist of all the things you will be doing the next day.

He really is the weakest link.

Restinggoddess · 27/01/2024 00:16

Does your husband look after the children?

He would inherit as the husband so not a big issue however I was the bread winner and when we sorted out finance etc the advice I had to think about ( because DH was a SAHP) was what would I do if husband died?
how would I afford a nanny or child minder etc
I hadn’t thought of that and was surprised that this was raised

However - as PP have said if you die or are incapacitated he needs to get a job! Depending on your circumstances and the reason why he doesn’t work you should tell him that

Ponderingwindow · 27/01/2024 00:19

Planning for death of one or both parents is just common sense. Don’t most couples sit down and discuss this?

the possibility of DH dying (or turning into a jerk) is the only real reason I work. Our lives would be much easier if I just retired at this point and focused on the family, but we talked out all the contingencies.

MayThe4th · 27/01/2024 00:20

So if a woman is a SAHP she’s doing a full-time job bringing up the kids but if a man is the SAHP he’s a useless cocklodger? Okayyy.

It’s not gaslighting to say that you need a will, everyone should have one as well as a poa set up.

TempleOfBloom · 27/01/2024 00:20

Has he been a SAHD? Taken the childcare and domestic load?

Life insurance is surely the answer.

Has be been a lazy fucker and you have done the majority of childcare and household stuff? Then make a will and leave your half of the house directly to your Dc. With a life interest for him to live there til the youngest is 18. Because otherwise he will shack up with another woman to loo after him and in turn leave your house to her. Seen that so many times.

Bex5490 · 27/01/2024 00:26

TempleOfBloom · 27/01/2024 00:20

Has he been a SAHD? Taken the childcare and domestic load?

Life insurance is surely the answer.

Has be been a lazy fucker and you have done the majority of childcare and household stuff? Then make a will and leave your half of the house directly to your Dc. With a life interest for him to live there til the youngest is 18. Because otherwise he will shack up with another woman to loo after him and in turn leave your house to her. Seen that so many times.

Totally this.

I’m NEVER normally one for if this thread was written by a man blah blah… but on this occasion?

If OP has been the provider and DH a solid SAHD supporting the family that way then I think it’s different.

If he’s a shit provider, shit dad, shit husband combo then he should be lucky he’s managed to ride OP’s coat tails this long and go to hell with the talk about inheritance…