Husband asking me what will happen to him and kids when I die??

[Justawoman88]

Was in the car driving home and my husband said as an statement that if I died then him and our 3 children would be out on the streets and that I need to sort out a will. If he died still I would have money and I can live happily .
To give context, he's never been the provider, never had money . 10 years married and I've been the provider and the reason we have a roof over our heads. Truth is , I have nothing to my name. Years of spending my savings plus working and giving my family everything. I'm tired of having the world on my shoulders. I think this comment is sickening. I don't know, if I confront him I know he'll gaslight me or make me feel silly .

Sounds like life insurance would be good for both of you to take out. We are mid-thirties with no health problems and it costs us about £25pcm. If I die then DH gets £750k and vice versa. That'll be enough to pay off the mortgage and help keep a roof over everyone's heads. A PP mentioned allowing your DH to stay there until a certain time.

Might be a good idea for you as from your tone it sounds like you don't have much faith in your husband.

@Justawoman88

It's always good to have a will if you have minor children so on the face of it he's not unreasonable to suggest it.

Do you mind saying why 'he's never had money'? Does he not work for some reason or is he just a spendthrift/refuses to contribute? Why are you even with him? Unless he's a SAHP (and a good one, not one 'in name only') or has some medical reason, he should be working.

If he's useless, I'd leave everything I could in trust to the children with someone else trustworthy (grandparent? aunt/uncle?) as trustee if you can. I know in some places spouses have an automatic entitlement of some type or other.

i assume there never was an agreement that he would be a stay at home parent?

what age are the children? What is his earning potential versus childcare costs?

Very sorry for your DH and your whole situation, @Throwawayaccountonaccountofthis

What is the backstory to this?
It makes sense that you sort out a will to ensure your DH and children are provided for in the event of your death. If you die intestate than the intestacy laws wherever you live will apply.
But surely you would want to make sure your children (and presumably DH, but it sounds like there is more to this) do not end up on the streets.
So in a way, I can see why he has brought the subject up.

It sounds like you possibly don't own a property and that he isn't contributing financially. Is he not working? Or when you say you are the provider, you mean that you are the main earner and he does contribute but less than you? Is he a SAHD?

What is the situation really?
And what provisions could you be making for your children in the event of your demise? Life insurance?

I think it's perfectly normal to ask the main provider to make a will.

Suspect massive drip feed coming.

In my will, everything goes to my children. Even my in-service death grant and my pension allowance. And half the house. You have a responsibility to provide for your children, but how you do that is up to you.

Some of these replies are madness. Why is it okay for women(wives) to be looked after after death but not men(husbands)?

So basically any women that earns less than her husband, according to some of these posts logic are 'a useless waste of space', a 'useless fannylodger' and partner would be better of single!

...Well approx 75% of men in the UK need to leave our pathetic useless arses as they'd be better off being single.

Agreed! If this was a SAHM saying this, everyone would be on her side.

As it's a man he's automatically a 'cocklodger'

We sorted out basic wills when the first child was born. Just the basics, including who got them if both of us were dead whilst they were still dependent. I had a SAHP for a decade, but you need to prioritise what’s best for the children, however grumpy you are about being the provider.
I must admit that I did feel my feminist principles had bitten me in the arse when it made more sense for me to work and him do childcare. But logic won.

The OP hasn't given enough info for PPs to offer sensible advice.

OP, you say you have nothing. Tell him that and watch his face.

Nor has she given enough information for people to be able to jump to conclusions about him being a lazy cocklodger. Maybe he is, but maybe he's a SAHD who has brought up the children enabling OP to work.
And in any case, responsible parents, male or female, come up with a plan to ensure the children's needs are provided for in the event of the demise of one, or even both parents.

As soon as you had children you should have had the discussion about what happens if 1 or more importantly both of you die.

we have life insurance that would give a lump sum, insurance that would pay of the mortgage and both our employers would pay 3 x salary.
we also have stated our wishes for who we would want to look after the children if we both died together.

our kids are teens now so not so much a worry about childcare etc so DH would be fine if I died. If he died then I would be ok with some careful budgeting

Good grief! I’d be speaking to a solicitor asap as well as ensuring that any insurance goes in trust for the kids alone.

I agree you should think about what happens to the family if either of you die.

Me and my husband are each others childcare in a tag team and we would both struggle to stay in our jobs in the other person dies.

We have £200k of life cover (pays on first death) and death in service payments through our jobs. It sounds a lot of money but it wouldn't last many years if we lost both household incomes. I work nights so couldn't work without my husband at home overnight and he works long days which he couldn't accommodate for our young child at special school without me.

I think the remaining parent would have to look for new work that was more school hours to bring at least something in and make the pot last longer. We could both do with living another decade and then after that the remaining parent might be OK as our mortgage would be almost paid and the pot might last until our retirement income kicks in.

Aren't you concerned about what would happen to your family if you died OP? You seem to think it is cheeky for your husband to want to discuss this?

Can you tell us more about this? Why doesn't he work? Honestly I'd be tempted to write a will that left everything to the children.

Setting aside your hurt for a minute:

In practical terms, there is really little point in you making a will. If you die intestate (without a will) in the UK, there are rules about who would inherit. First dibs goes to the spouse, they get the first £322,000. Since you say "Truth is , I have nothing to my name" that would mean everything of your nothing would go to him anyway.

Rules here - https://www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

Did he mean life insurance, rather than a will? It is always sensible for both parents to have life insurance. For a working parent, it can replace the lost income, for a non-working parent it can pay for childcare etc. to replace their non-financial contributions.

Now - you were hurt by his comment, and from your comments it sounds as if your marriage is not a happy place to be. You say he does not contribute financially - does he contribute to the family otherwise? Three under-10s is a lot of childcare. Does he run the domestic side of the household? Because there's a big difference between an engaged SAHD and a husband who spends all his waking hours on his XBox.

"I'm tired of having the world on my shoulders."
A family should be a team, what part of the load does he carry? Earning, housework, mental load - what does he contribute?

"if I confront him I know he'll gaslight me or make me feel silly ."
Has he done this to you before?

What do you think would make life work for you? Him sharing the load? Or him not being there?

@Aquamarine1029 how do you know that he's a Cocklodger? He maybe physically unable to work. Maybe when they had children they made a joint decision that he would be a sahp to their kids. That's what I was for a few years. I was looking after two babies & toddlers in their formative years & most certainly do not consider myself a sponger

V v rare a woman gets away with being as useless in the house/with kids as many men are though, or even tries to.

& like hell if she was a sahm everyone would be on her side, as someone said. They'd all be yelling at her to get a job and saying how hard it is to be the sole provider, "he's probably feeling the pressure." Why don't you retrain/earn more OP...blah blah.

Well you are the main earner so why can't he ask? No different than a woman asking her husband. You've carried him for years so presumably you must have wanted to.

Of course you need a will.

Why doesn't he work?

I think as a parent you do need to have a will, and life insurance. For both of you. So that the house will be mortgage free, and the surviving partner has enough to support themselves and the children. Maybe not enough so they don’t have to work, but enough so that childcare would be covered, and everyone would be ok.
BUT this is not just to sort out for yourself, but for both of you.

"Good point, I'll set up funds for the kids that only they can access for when they turn 18, and make plans with the godparents/grandparents for how it would work re living costs and arrangements in the interim."

Also, I would make sure to set up a power of attorney person for yourself that's not him.

You both need to get life insurance as a matter of urgency to help protect your DC.

His not wrong though is he. Him and your kids are either your family or not, why would you not have a will in place and protection for your family. He needs a will too, to protect you, extended family can be rough and if it’s in a will it can’t be argued (without costing them money anyways)