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AIBU?

Is this enough to break up over? New boyfriend ignoring me to punish me.

206 replies

wholst · 26/01/2024 19:55

Been with my boyfriend 3 months. Things have been going great, however, he phoned me tonight and asked what I was doing. I replied that I was going out for drinks with a male friend. I've known this friend for 17 years and we have had sex when we were younger which my boyfriend knows. But we are just friends now, there is no attraction there anymore which I've explained to my boyfriend.

Boyfriend is now completely ignoring me despite my reassurance that I'm only interested in him and that I've actually cancelled my planned evening with my friend. He's sitting online and completely blanking me.

This happened a few weeks ago also when he got jealous about me working with a guy around our age. He ignored me and I had to practically beg him to speak to me and then grovel for his forgiveness even though I did nothing wrong.

I hate being stonewalled but then I think maybe I shouldn't have a male friend who I have slept with. AIBU to think punishing someone with silence is out of line?

OP posts:
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Pumpkintopf · 26/01/2024 23:22

Listen to that knot in your stomach and get rid.

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Babyghirl · 26/01/2024 23:33

@wholst
Run, run, run, why would you even question staying with this guy is beyond me.

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Ereshkigalangcleg · 26/01/2024 23:33

This happened a few weeks ago also when he got jealous about me working with a guy around our age. He ignored me and I had to practically beg him to speak to me and then grovel for his forgiveness even though I did nothing wrong.

Please don't do this, I did and it just cemented his control over me. Pretty much exactly the same scenario.

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Babyghirl · 26/01/2024 23:34

I think op is taking a leaf out of his book and ignoring the thread 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣.

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Ereshkigalangcleg · 26/01/2024 23:35

%The first time he was ‘upset’ was when she WORKED with a man, though? What was the OP actually meant to do about that? Give up her job?^

Yes, that is what he wants, I imagine.

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Flanjango · 26/01/2024 23:36

Jeez how old is he..12? Seriously my daughter had similar issues with her BF and he's 17. I gave him a talking to and he's realised how crappy it is not to allow her space. If he can see that at 17 a grown man that can't is definitely out of line. Red flag...run.

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neverenoughplants · 26/01/2024 23:36

If this is what he's like at 3 months, imagine what he'd be like after 1 year, or 2, or 5... It may be tempting to believe that he would get better over time, because the relationship would be more established and settled, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. He is showing you who he is, and how he handles his emotions (and conflict in a relationship).

There is nothing wrong with having a male friend, including one you've had sex with before. You're an adult. You're capable of deciding who you want to be friends with, and how you feel about them. Lots of people stay friends with exes, and don't need to go through some kind of bargaining process with their partner every time they see them.

These are huge red flags for controlling and coercive behaviour, and he sounds really immature and manipulative. He knows exactly what he's doing, and what he wants to achieve from the situation. He's cold and distant, ignoring you, so you go running after him and cancel your plans - why? Only for him to do the exact same thing again the next time you do something he doesn't like?

Get rid of him now. Don't waste time on a relationship that will just leave you feeling like you're walking on eggshells.

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neverenoughplants · 26/01/2024 23:40

wholst · 26/01/2024 21:12

He's voice noted me and said he's not annoyed, he's busy and tired but he seems off and I'm not sure if I'm overanalysing now. I feel this knot in my stomach.

I've just seen this - listen, this is exactly how he wants you to feel. He wants you to be the one who is feeling bad/guilty, he wants you to believe that you've done something wrong (which you haven't), and he wants you to feel worried about losing him. He knows exactly what he's doing.

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Cantrushart · 26/01/2024 23:42

Guitarbasher · 26/01/2024 20:10

John Gottman a professor who had studied marriage and relationships for 25+ years, has identified 4 behaviors which are so toxic to relationships that they can predict divorce. They are called The Four Horseman (as in the apocalypse).

They are:

  1. Criticism
  2. Contempt
  3. Defensiveness
  4. Stonewalling


Stonewalling is refusing to engage and talk.

www.gottman.com/blog/category/column/the-four-horsemen/

So does deciding to go out for drinks with someone you used to sleep with instead of seeing your new boyfriend perhaps demonstrate no.2?

You both suck, the relationship needs to end.

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myusernamewastakenbyme · 26/01/2024 23:44

OrlandointheWilderness · 26/01/2024 20:01

With all due respect if a guy I was seeing for three months told me he was going out for drinks with a woman he used to sleep with I'd be a bit concerned!

Yes me too.

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rainbowsparkle28 · 26/01/2024 23:51

Yes. Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

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FloofyKat · 27/01/2024 00:00

You cancelled plans to see an old friend of nearly 20 years because of some twat you’ve known for just a few weeks? Bin this controlling jealous man and find someone who deserves you. And stand up for your friends!!

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MidnightSerenader · 27/01/2024 00:13

wholst · 26/01/2024 21:12

He's voice noted me and said he's not annoyed, he's busy and tired but he seems off and I'm not sure if I'm overanalysing now. I feel this knot in my stomach.

Come on, you know this isn’t right.

Are you not embarrassed to be grovelling to some loser?

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Bobbotgegrinch · 27/01/2024 00:19

Someone who refuses to communicate when they're unhappy with you is not someone you want to be in a relationship with.

End it and move on. And maybe don't tell the next one you've slept with your friend. It's none of their business.

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Nanny0gg · 27/01/2024 00:23

wholst · 26/01/2024 21:12

He's voice noted me and said he's not annoyed, he's busy and tired but he seems off and I'm not sure if I'm overanalysing now. I feel this knot in my stomach.

Please dump him.

Then the knot will go away

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howlongtilsummer · 27/01/2024 00:32

Some would struggle with meeting up with someone you used to sleep with. I wouldn't. I assume you wouldn't, but some would. To me, he is saying he doesn't trust you and also implying he couldn't be trusted with a female friend with a shared history. However, he also got jealous over a colleague? He won't talk to you? Huge red flags. Huge.

Appease him - don't see male friends. Don't talk to male colleagues unless absolutely necessary. Don't talk about issues with him. Sound like a relationship you still want? Sound like it will be better another three months in? A year? Two years? Think carefully about whether you want to continue in this.

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Cattiwampus · 27/01/2024 00:54

Three months?
Your training as an obedient sex partner to her master has barely begun.
Baby steps. By summer, he’ll be controlling what you wear, eat, how you spend leisure time and your friendship groups.
Why are you accepting this complete bullshit? Why is your self-worth so low?
Dump him.

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shockingteaching · 27/01/2024 00:58

I work as a TA in a deprived area of the north east.

Last September a NQT joined my school and I’m her TA. To say that I am shocked at how uneducated she is is an understatement. When she is reading to the class the kids have to help her as there are so many words she can’t pronounce. Her spelling is atrocious, she didn’t know Mexico was a country, she told the class she wasn’t sure if you’d need oxygen at the top of Everest. She didn’t know how many zeros in a million and said she had no idea what apartheid was and had never heard the word. When we are answering questions from texts she accepts anything as she cannot find the answers herself. She is constantly telling the kids wrong information and marking their work wrong. I know I am going to get blamed for this.

I am supposed to be 1-1 with a child but instead she has me walking around marking, which means I cannot help him. If I try to pre-teach she tells him to be quiet.

On top of all this she literally has the world’s biggest ego and told me yesterday she’s doing a great job. Thing is SLT think she’s amazing. She constantly makes comments about my age and made fun all day when I wore glasses. Even the kids said she made fun of me. Yesterday she got the kids to cheer as I left the class. She called one boy “her bestie” and bragged that another had sought relationship advice from her, he’s ten. She also put up pics of her kids and husband on the whiteboard. In the staff room she told us of her and her husband’s discussion on bj’s and that she needed to shave her ar**

Am I right to feel so pissed off?

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thebestinterest · 27/01/2024 01:02

🚮

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Mybootsare · 27/01/2024 01:10

I agree with pp the main issue is the fact he gave you the silent treatment. Irrespective of whether he had valid concerns or not his way of addressing things is toxic.

a guy I was dating did something similar, he said he was too upset to see me that entire weekend. The irony is it came off the back of me questioning his interest in me. The fact that I doubted him apparently made him sooo upset he couldn’t drive over as planned and he was “ tired” too 🙄 I cut it off immediately so I could stop “upsetting” him.

Could you really see a future with a guy who routinely communicates by freezing you out and pretending he’s not upset so you can’t even discuss whatever the issue is?

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DeeCeeCherry · 27/01/2024 01:19

Dump him. But he's likely already dumped you. He's new to your life, in real life as opposed to all the 'tell him whats what' talk online, nobody wants to hear their partner is going out with an ex. Different if you're longer term so they 'get' you and the dynamic. I mean if he tries to come back by all means have the conversation (or not, if you choose not to) and get rid. But if he's ignoring you maybe he doesn't want to know and isn't bothered with telling you

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WandaWonder · 27/01/2024 01:22

The fact you need to ask is the most worrying bit

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samqueens · 27/01/2024 01:52

wholst · 26/01/2024 21:12

He's voice noted me and said he's not annoyed, he's busy and tired but he seems off and I'm not sure if I'm overanalysing now. I feel this knot in my stomach.

This is how abuse starts…

Take it from all the people here who know. Don’t over analyse, no need to see his point of view. This is an indication for a dangerous and damaging pattern of behaviour that will only escalate. Read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? to futureproof yourself and be always reminded of your self worth and where your boundaries should lie.

Walk away now - all you’ll be missing out on is slowly having your sense of security, self worth and sanity gradually eroded over many months or years.

Finding out now is a win, not a loss. Good luck

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PBandJ111 · 27/01/2024 05:11

Get rid of the boyfriend

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jeaux90 · 27/01/2024 05:18

This is how it starts. Dump him now.

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