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AIBU?

Is this enough to break up over? New boyfriend ignoring me to punish me.

206 replies

wholst · 26/01/2024 19:55

Been with my boyfriend 3 months. Things have been going great, however, he phoned me tonight and asked what I was doing. I replied that I was going out for drinks with a male friend. I've known this friend for 17 years and we have had sex when we were younger which my boyfriend knows. But we are just friends now, there is no attraction there anymore which I've explained to my boyfriend.

Boyfriend is now completely ignoring me despite my reassurance that I'm only interested in him and that I've actually cancelled my planned evening with my friend. He's sitting online and completely blanking me.

This happened a few weeks ago also when he got jealous about me working with a guy around our age. He ignored me and I had to practically beg him to speak to me and then grovel for his forgiveness even though I did nothing wrong.

I hate being stonewalled but then I think maybe I shouldn't have a male friend who I have slept with. AIBU to think punishing someone with silence is out of line?

OP posts:
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ChaToilLeam · 26/01/2024 22:15

Dump this jealous controlling idiot and make it up to your pal. Bloody hell, see how he’s got you second guessing yourself already! This is not a good man.

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Frangipanyoul8r · 26/01/2024 22:15

Agree with other posters but we have had sex when we were younger which my boyfriend knows why would you tell a brand new boyfriend this? You’ve only been seeing him 3 months.

I would say telling a new boyfriend you are off to meet someone you used to sleep with for a drink is also a bit toxic. You don’t deserve the silent treatment but also some things are better left unsaid at the start of a relationship.

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TempleOfBloom · 26/01/2024 22:17

Personally I would have no truck with anyone policing long-standing friendships. There is nothing wrong with friendships with people who are emphatically exes as sexual partners, especially 17 years on.

Unresolved recent stuff, maybe. New friendships based on flirting, sure. But not longstanding secure friendships. That is a friendship that will serve you much better than an insecure jealous controlling boyfriend.

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SurelySmartie · 26/01/2024 22:22

Things have been going great

Doesn’t sound like it. You’ve had a bad feeling about this and it’s happened more than once.

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jakscrakers · 26/01/2024 22:26

you really needed to ask us, never mind beg for his forgiveness, the only person you need to say sorry to is your mate. Put yourself first and foremost, dump his ass, he is not worth a second of your time and thoughts. He is how coercive control begins, and where does it end with you in and out of hospital if you dare look the wrong way at him. Okay that's a generalisation and may not happen but if this is the start of it do you want to take a chance.
Put you first, second and third block, block, block

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Brianiac · 26/01/2024 22:29

Frangipanyoul8r · 26/01/2024 22:15

Agree with other posters but we have had sex when we were younger which my boyfriend knows why would you tell a brand new boyfriend this? You’ve only been seeing him 3 months.

I would say telling a new boyfriend you are off to meet someone you used to sleep with for a drink is also a bit toxic. You don’t deserve the silent treatment but also some things are better left unsaid at the start of a relationship.

I would agree with this analysis.

Doesn't matter who's fault it is, if your not right for each other (you're not) then split up. Maybe he is already...?

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AngelinaFibres · 26/01/2024 22:30

OrlandointheWilderness · 26/01/2024 20:01

With all due respect if a guy I was seeing for three months told me he was going out for drinks with a woman he used to sleep with I'd be a bit concerned!

This. But I'm old . Things were different in my days of dating.

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76evie · 26/01/2024 22:31

I hope you’ve binned him off by now, if not please do! This is controlling behaviour and will only get worse the longer you are together.

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lunkitsmum · 26/01/2024 22:38

You must know it shouldn’t be this hard 12 weeks in. This guy is showing you who he is, please believe him, move on and don’t look back!

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ShortColdandGrey · 26/01/2024 22:38

I have a horrible feeling that the OP is going to give this bellend another chance.

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PeskyPotato · 26/01/2024 22:43

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

RUN!!

When someone shows you who they are, believe them!!

He's a controlling twat!

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

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autienotnaughty · 26/01/2024 22:45

Why did you cancel?

If he feels the need to dictate/control what you do now imagine what he will be like in 6m or a year?

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AllEars112232 · 26/01/2024 22:53

Hes making you feel bad just 3 months in. It’s only going to get worse. please don’t waste anymore time on this person.

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Channellingsophistication · 26/01/2024 22:54

Surely its not good to cancel plans with a long term friend because your boyfriend of 3 months doesnt like it…. He’s now punishing you with silent treatment. If you stay with him, what next? Please give him the permanent silent treatment.

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OwlWeiwei · 26/01/2024 22:54

I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship with a man who tried to control who you saw and who was jealous of any interaction with another man, and I wouldn't want anyone else to, either.

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YoureALizardHarry11 · 26/01/2024 22:54

Don’t think I’m excusing his behaviour because I’m not and I think you should run because clearly he can’t accept your friendship and this is a marker of a controlling person and you’ve only been together three months so I wouldn’t be hanging round to find out when I’m in too deep

BUT sometimes if I’m upset with someone I will stay silent and ignore them until I’ve calmed down enough to communicate properly, as I know if I say something while I’m still upset, theres potential for an argument to ensue. Plenty of women get arsey about their partner's having female friends, especially those with whom they have had a past.

He should have at least communicated to you that he was upset and please could you discuss it another time if he felt that way though. Especially online when it’s easier to disengage if it got heated.

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Passingthethyme · 26/01/2024 22:56

That's more than enough, that's abuse. If he's doing this in the honeymoon phase I shudder to think what he's really like. Agree with others, run don't walk.

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KreedKafer · 26/01/2024 22:58

Jeez, you’ve been with him for three months and already being this much of an arsehole? You had to beg him for forgiveness just because you WORK with someone your own age?

Please, please, PLEASE dump this awful man. He’s a controlling prick.

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KreedKafer · 26/01/2024 23:02

YoureALizardHarry11 · 26/01/2024 22:54

Don’t think I’m excusing his behaviour because I’m not and I think you should run because clearly he can’t accept your friendship and this is a marker of a controlling person and you’ve only been together three months so I wouldn’t be hanging round to find out when I’m in too deep

BUT sometimes if I’m upset with someone I will stay silent and ignore them until I’ve calmed down enough to communicate properly, as I know if I say something while I’m still upset, theres potential for an argument to ensue. Plenty of women get arsey about their partner's having female friends, especially those with whom they have had a past.

He should have at least communicated to you that he was upset and please could you discuss it another time if he felt that way though. Especially online when it’s easier to disengage if it got heated.

The first time he was ‘upset’ was when she WORKED with a man, though? What was the OP actually meant to do about that? Give up her job?

He isn’t just someone who is a bit miffed that his girlfriend has male friends. He is irrational and abusive. His behaviour is that of a coercive controller, and anyone who thinks otherwise is extremely naive.

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YoureALizardHarry11 · 26/01/2024 23:06

KreedKafer · 26/01/2024 23:02

The first time he was ‘upset’ was when she WORKED with a man, though? What was the OP actually meant to do about that? Give up her job?

He isn’t just someone who is a bit miffed that his girlfriend has male friends. He is irrational and abusive. His behaviour is that of a coercive controller, and anyone who thinks otherwise is extremely naive.

I have said she should leave, 100%, and in my defence I somehow missed the bit about a male colleague! I stopped reading after the friend part! My fault 🤦‍♀️

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YankeeDad · 26/01/2024 23:07

wholst · 26/01/2024 19:55

Been with my boyfriend 3 months. Things have been going great, however, he phoned me tonight and asked what I was doing. I replied that I was going out for drinks with a male friend. I've known this friend for 17 years and we have had sex when we were younger which my boyfriend knows. But we are just friends now, there is no attraction there anymore which I've explained to my boyfriend.

Boyfriend is now completely ignoring me despite my reassurance that I'm only interested in him and that I've actually cancelled my planned evening with my friend. He's sitting online and completely blanking me.

This happened a few weeks ago also when he got jealous about me working with a guy around our age. He ignored me and I had to practically beg him to speak to me and then grovel for his forgiveness even though I did nothing wrong.

I hate being stonewalled but then I think maybe I shouldn't have a male friend who I have slept with. AIBU to think punishing someone with silence is out of line?

I agree that the boyfriend’s behaviour totally sucks and may well be grounds to end the relationship with him, particularly in relation to the second guy (the work-related one)

However, If any woman came on her saying that her boyfriend of 3 months was going to spend an evening alone with another woman with whom he’d had sex in the past, even if it was far in the past, and even if he said he was no longer attracted to that other woman, I’d bet 90%+ of the posters on here would call that meet-up a huge red flag and advise her to LTB.

He is handling this very poorly, and his strop about the second guy is probably unacceptable unless there is some further backstory we don’t know about, but I don’t think he is necessarily unreasonable to have real concerns about the alone-time with the former flame, unless this is a casual or open relationship in which both parties are free to date and potentially have sex with other people.

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trythisforsize · 26/01/2024 23:08

He's already working on isolating you from your friends.
He's already making you feel bad for not putting him first, for arranging things without his permission, for not keeping your Friday nights free for him.
He wanted to see you tonight but now he's busy and tired as soon as you said you had plans? He's a total loser and he's attempting to grind you down.
3 months as well! Who the fuck does he think he is?

I had an ex who pretended to be busy and tired when he was sulking. The final straw was when he gave me 3 solid days silence because I went to London for the day for work. He couldn't stand the thought that I was unavailable all day.
These men are absolute toddlers. Dangerous too eventually. Very.

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Lilysienna1 · 26/01/2024 23:10

Whilst I don’t think I would feel comfortable if my boyfriend was going out with someone he once slept with, if the relationship itself had only been 3 months, I would not say anything or try and stop it, as I would see how it pans out. Over time, when you know each other inside out and have built trust, thats when I would bring it up but ONLY if I had reason to believe the friendship was more than platonic.

The fact that he actually gave you this silent treatment just for daring to near another man that you work with, is beyond ridiculous though. There is absolutely no reason for that to be an issue- and that’s the second biggest red flag to me. It stinks of controlling, abusive and possession with worse to come.

The first and biggest red flag to me is the silent treatment itself. That’s massively abusive, unfair, immature and it will not get better.

I would rearrange with the friend, blank HIM and just move on. (Easier said than done, I know!) but if things are like this now, 3 months in, what’s it going to be like in 3 months? 3 years? 3 decades?? Life is too short to settle for this.

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wednesday32 · 26/01/2024 23:11

The bloke sounds like a wet wipe! Get rid. He’s done you a favour

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GingersOwner26 · 26/01/2024 23:15

Tell him to jog on. Silent treatment belongs in primary school, and as for the man at work, what does he expect you to do, find a job where they don't employ any men?

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