To think there is no nice and easy way to say this

[AmIThatMam]

My daughter is overweight, medically but obviously- as in visually it’s obvious.
she carries her weight round her middle (like me- so I do sympathise) but when I was her age (9) I wasn’t overweight.
she is very active so it’s not that.
she overeats, simple as. She steals food from the kitchen. ( we now rarely have any ‘treats’ because she will sneak in and eat them) but she will just eat whatever is there, snacks for school- malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks. Then barely touches her balanced dinner.
i have had conversations with her - never mentioned weight- about eating healthy and balance. About her activities and if she wants to be strong she needs to eat a balanced diet. She agrees each time but carries in the same.
ive confronted her more firmly when I’ve found packets in her room. Sometimes it’s packets from else where so I’m guessing she gets food from kids at school?!
is it time to tell her she’s overweight or is that never going to be a good idea?

No
don’t ever say that to her- ever. She already bloody knows and probably feels shit about what she is doing.
this is your issue.
stop buying all unhealthy snacky food

Maybe just don’t fill the house with high calorie snacks? When is she doing this snacking?

If she’s snacking and then won’t eat dinner, what would happen if she was presented with dinner first? Is it just that your timings don’t suit her and she’s hungry earlier?

I wonder why she's eating. Is it a way of distracting herself?

My mum put me on my first diet when I was around 8. Been overweight all my life but I actually wasn’t then.
Could you say you’re getting upset at the dinner not being eaten as she’s filled up on snacks. Maybe get her cooking with you. Does she have a good breakfast and lunch?
Sometimes it’s not bad to say it but it needs such a factual but gentle approach.

@TomeTome Which high calorie snacks at I filling the house with please?

Is counseling an option? It sounds like maybe she could do with better coping mechanisms. Is something worrying her?

I don't have personal experience of this, but your post reminded me of a couple of people that I follow - both of whom were overweight as kids. They both talk a lot about how their parents approached the weight issue and (though well meaning) how damaging it was for them. Might be worth checking them out to get some insight. They are Heather Robertson, of Half Size Me, and the lady who wrote Chasing Cupcakes. Good luck!

It’s fine to ask for help. I don’t think anyone has been an arsehole?!

She absolutely DOES know OP and my bet is that she cares a great deal. 🙄

No it's not time to tell her she's OW. It's time to tell her to stop taking food from the kitchen, stop eating in her room and eat her dinner or there'll be nothing else. You don't need to make it about weight, just about house rules. You need to make some and enforce them.

I'd only buy fruit as snacks. Literally cut everything back.

Make sure you sit together when you get home and eat a snack together. Make sure there's enough protein.

Then make sure she's drinking enough.

Then tell her she's eaten and we'll have dinner together in a bit.

Go through her bags if you think she's bringing food home.

I'd very much position it as you're upset that food for dinner is being wasted. If my kids were eating snacks and then not wanting dinner, I'd cut out the snacks, regardless of the child's size.

So have a conversation about that instead. And use that as the reason to stop buying breadsticks, malt loaf, etc., rather than the weight.

Firstly I stole food as I needed more calories than my mother would put out.

So aged 7/8 I would go through the bins and pick out stale bits of bread etc
My parents didn’t love me and were abusive - but food was me looking after myself and so it was a hug for me.
aged 9-16 I went overweight and then massively underweight - I was 5 stone at 17 - I didn’t know normal.

For me it was and still is tied up with my parents and affection.

stay off chats about food - buy healthy food and give her what she wants and get more exercise as use it as spending time together eg tennis

@icelollycraving that was reply to one person who has been (I think) unnecessarily nasty. Sorry it wasn’t aimed at every - I have edited to rely to that one comment. I’m in tears literally at the end of what I can do. I’m not a horrible person. I just don’t know what to do for the best.

Some parenting problems are only solved by being in it for the long run and this is one of them. I was a bit porky as a child but late forties now and been slim since puberty. I also got the letter from the school about one of my dc being overweight, and he’s now a slim adult. I think keep doing what you’re doing, talking to her about strength and health but also set the expectation that food isn’t for bedrooms. And keep facilitating lots of physical activity and exercise.

Id change the snacks available, fruit and carrot/cucumber sticks only as snacks. The other snacks just don’t exist, she doesn’t need yoghurt biscuits at all, you can still provide puddings if you want to but she doesn’t need these snacks being available to get at any point, bread sticks, malt loaf etc.

Could you do cookery classes together?
I went to a brilliant one that was a family cooking class and they covered nutrition in it and we all learned a lot.

I wish you all the best. She is still growing so try to give it time and all you can do is your best.

This is a worry @Ginandjuice57884 we have chats but she never says anything is wrong. I don’t know what it could be but you’re right it’s worth exploring

Secretive eating is never ok.. underlying reason which needs to be investigated sensitivity. Not easy op

Things like biscuits malt loaf etc. as I said WHEN is she snacking? If it’s when she’s home from school give her a sandwich instead of letting her graze.

I would be discussing:

• Ask before you eat food and discipline as you see fit for this
• Discuss healthy food, getting enough vitamins, protein, variation etc. We talk about how your body needs this to stay healthy and grow.

I think PPs suggestion of early dinner is good. If she eats dinner first, at least she has had the nutrients.

Do you give her a snack when she first gets home? I used to prepare a snack-bowl - it had two fruits/veges, a protein, eg cheese, and a treat - so maybe a square or two of chocolate, for example. That was it until tea.

At teatime, you didn't have to eat it all up, but the rule was 'all greens must go', i.e all veges bar mash had to be eaten up. This wasn't enforced as such, but there was a clear understanding that if you were so off your feed as not to be able to manage that, then clearly you'd have no room for, say, a wee touch of ice cream.

I don't think it's ever a good idea to critique our children's weight. I'm afraid I've known far too many people with disordered eating, psychological issues, and eating disorders that can be directly tied back to, perhaps well meaning, parents and such comments.

Honestly you have to completely eliminate all snack foods from the house.

I would stage it as a healthy new year type of thing. “We are all going to eat more healthily”

If she has a packed lunch and no money, there’s a limit to what she can snaffle from friends lunchboxes surely?