To think there is no nice and easy way to say this

[AmIThatMam]

My daughter is overweight, medically but obviously- as in visually it’s obvious.
she carries her weight round her middle (like me- so I do sympathise) but when I was her age (9) I wasn’t overweight.
she is very active so it’s not that.
she overeats, simple as. She steals food from the kitchen. ( we now rarely have any ‘treats’ because she will sneak in and eat them) but she will just eat whatever is there, snacks for school- malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks. Then barely touches her balanced dinner.
i have had conversations with her - never mentioned weight- about eating healthy and balance. About her activities and if she wants to be strong she needs to eat a balanced diet. She agrees each time but carries in the same.
ive confronted her more firmly when I’ve found packets in her room. Sometimes it’s packets from else where so I’m guessing she gets food from kids at school?!
is it time to tell her she’s overweight or is that never going to be a good idea?

NO DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO HER.

You are doing the right things.

Just to add, you have no idea what other people have said to her. I was a thin active child and did a lot of ballet as a hobby - not Royal Ballet standard but seriously and to a good level. One day my teacher said to me in front of the whole class that I was developing a belly and I needed to do something about it.

That was over 20 years ago and I remember it like yesterday. I can visualise the whole thing perfectly and still feel my shame. A throwaway comment gave me an unwarranted bad body image for life. This is why I say don't mention it because if she doesn't have a real issue at the moment (in the sense it is something that she may grow out of or pass) raising it with her sure as hell will give her one.

So definitely worth exploring with her carefully if others have said 'mean things' to her.

Don't buy unhealthy snacks as a starting point nobody needs them, not toddlers not older kids not adults. Have a small balanced snack available on coming in from school eg carrot sticks, celery, cucumber slices (unlimited within reason) and a couple of tsps of hummus. Then get her involved in cooking dinner, sounds like you already serve balanced dinners, half the plate should be veg basically.

If you can get her off the snack binging then her weight should even out as she grows so no other action needed. Except stock (if you do) making certain foods treats, or rewarding with food including trips for hot chocolate, get other rewards into place eg we would got to the bookshop to reward end of term (not due to obesity, the opposite in fact, but food wasn't a suitable reward)

@NoSquirrels eldest girl, yes

But these are processed foods containing sugar, really really not good, and zero nutritional value. And from the sound of it she's eating more than one of these items. You say she's stealing food at home and you've also found food in her room that she's obtained elsewhere.

I wouldn't tell her she's overweight, or that she needs to diet. Neither word is helpful, and she'll already be well aware she's overweight.

I'd pitch it as a whole-family-healthy-eating-drive, with everyone on board. No processed foods in the house, and nothing that contains sugar (unless natural as in fruit, and e.g. for pudding you could have plain greek yog with chopped banana or mango).

You sound like a great mum OP and it’s awesome that you want to make these changes. Like I said there is lots of unraveling but as long as your by her side it can be done.

I honestly blame the food industry, they’ve been allowed (for too long) to sneak sugar into everything and still advertise it as healthy. If it’s sugar free it chemically still gives you that hit and makes you still addicted to sugar and crave it. There’s not much education from schools anymore too because the recommendations change so much with every healthcare professional.

Look into a high fat low sugar diet for her. Not full Keto as that’s not good for a child but just getting rid of those sugary snacks and replacing with higher fats.

She’s 9!

Do not say she is overweight. It’s up to you to help her maintain a healthy weight.

im thinking get her on a sports team and more physical hobbies. Walks etc

give her more protein OP, this will keep her fuller for longer so: boiled eggs, cheese, sliced chicken/Turkey, peanut butter on a rice cake, hummus and cucumber sticks, edamame beans etc etc.

To me OP this seems stodgy and heavy. That may just be me though.

Yoghurt bars might only have 75 calories but they are laden with carbs, same as malt loaf.
Breadsticks are utterly devoid of any nutrition and will contribute to her body converting them to fat.

These carbs get retained as energy which your daughter might not be using, so are being stored as fat.

They are not healthy snacks.
Just because some products say low cal doesn't mean that they're healthy cals.

There are healthy carbs but , honestly, I'd be looking at a referral to a dietitian/nutritionist.

Saying nothing, as some on here are suggesting, is a burying the head in the sand approach.
You need to find a healthy direction with food intake for your daughter.

OP sending solidarity 💐 I have similar issues with my DD. Having no snacks in the house except fruit has not helped, she is very social and manages to overeat all the time at friends and family members houses and also at school. People get very judgy about parents with overweight children and I won’t say there are no food dynamics in my house that could have prompted Dd’s problem but I do think it’s not something that there is always an obvious quick fix for. At this age you can’t control everything because they don’t eat at home all the time. There was another post about this recently and the OP was advised to up the protein- I’ve tried this (limited success but seems a good idea still) and also I’m trying to support her self esteem and happiness generally so that she isn’t comfort eating out of feeling bored or unhappy. I have never mentioned her weight to her but I do talk about making healthy choices. My dd is still overweight so my advice isn’t probably what you need! Following in case of any more good tips.

There's a reason she's doing this and eating in this way. I second counselling/therapy. For me, it was chronic low self esteem and never feeling like I was good enough from a very early age.

Stop posting on here to start with and address the problem with your daughters eating disorder with someone that can help

You need to not just be thinking about calories but also sugar content. If those snacks are high in sugar they will be increasing her appetite and it will make her crave more sugar which is why she's not bothered about your healthy meals.

When does she snack? Does she need you to change her mealtimes?

DD is often ravenous at about 4.30pm when she's home from school, so that's when she has her main meal. Then a sandwich at about 8pm. It's not a traditional schedule but it works for her. I prefer eating my main meal at lunchtime (WFH) and then a sandwich in the evening.

The snacks are highly processed, full of sugar and very quickly add up to a lot of calories. We realised a few years ago we'd slipped into a habit of a "small hot chocolate" for both DCs morning AND night!? How? Individually, they weren't a big deal but then we realised how bad it was (and both were slightly overweight).

You have to swap to ensuring that 95% of her calories are coming from fresh, non processed foods. Fruit rather than biscuits, for example. A proper sandwich rather than a couple of slices of malt bread. If you want some "treats" it's worth doing things like homemade banana bread or lower fat/sugar muffins.

You need to get to the bottom of why she’s snacking in the way she does.

if it’s hunger it’s easily sorted with tweaking meal times.

If it’s a comfort thing then it’s not as easy as ‘don’t buy any snacks’

That needs to be your start point.

@Gymmum82 thank you for your understanding comment. I’m sorry you are going through the same thing. (If 82 is your year of birth we are about the same age too!) It’s actually soul crushing. I feel guilty, angry, sad, exhausted. A lot of people seem to say that about pre puberty but all her friends are slim so it’s not like they are all putting a bit on. There’s some good advice in the comments so hopefully we can get through it. I wish you luck x

Me too! 1970, and it started a lifetime of it.

OP remove all junk (you're the one buying it) provide fruit and raw veg for snacking. Lots of protein and her carb/ sugar cravings will go down.

malt loaf, yoghurt, biscuits, breadsticks - stop having any of these at home.

Also don't have bananas or grapes (high calorie fruits) or snack cheeses.

might not fit with your approach to parenting- but since you are asking for advice I would go down the house rules route and actually control what she is eating that

house rule here has always been that you can’t just help yourself to food.

you ask mum or dad, who might say yes or no- but we decide what’s on offer and when it’s on offer. Outside of meals the answer is probably no you can’t have something- or you can have a piece of fruit.

helping yourself to food or taking it away to your room gets you told off.

of course at some point they need to learn to self regulate appetite but I don’t think kids are ready to do that before mid puberty, not least faced with a load of highly addictive processed food- it’s just setting them up to fail.

just like my kids can’t just turn on the Tv when they fancy, or play on tablets, they can’t just rummage through the cupboards.

my house my rules- I’m their parent not their friend.

Stop buying malt loaf, bread sticks and yoghurt biscuits. Have a full fruit bowl and a fridge full of cherry tomatoes, mini cucumbers, snack sized sweet peppers etc. Change meal times so she gets to eat when she's hungry. Buy her a bike or a trampoline, enrol her in dance classes or gymnastics. Don't tell her she's overweight.

Would highly recommend listening to the Food Psych podcast by Christy Harrison, she interviews people about their upbringings that led to disordered eating.. I'm another who was first on a diet around age 9/10, when I wasn't particularly overweight (I am now, and have been my whole life). Kids bodies change hugely at that age, you might first need to think a bit about your fear of fatness before you have a huge influence on how she feels about herself. Fat is not the worst thing a person can be, and does not define anyone, despite what society thinks

Malt loaf, yogurt biscuits and breadsticks perhaps?

She'll have a growth spurt some time between 10 and 14. When that happens she'll naturally become leaner.

I'm so sorry for you dealing with this as it's from a place of caring. It's so hard to know how to approach though. There must be some charities or maybe NHS/GP help.
I was always a very slim child until 10 and then put on weight due to growing pains/medical condition. I am nearly 40 now and a little bit overweight but very active. I am obsessed with food though. I feel like it stemmed from food being a comfort which has come from family. Every celebration was food. I've been over 14 stone and 8 stone. Maybe rather than food you could focus on activity and making it fun. Not always easy though. Hopefully some other people will be able to help further but it's amazing how things can stick with you from childhood.