To think there is no nice and easy way to say this

[AmIThatMam]

My daughter is overweight, medically but obviously- as in visually it’s obvious.
she carries her weight round her middle (like me- so I do sympathise) but when I was her age (9) I wasn’t overweight.
she is very active so it’s not that.
she overeats, simple as. She steals food from the kitchen. ( we now rarely have any ‘treats’ because she will sneak in and eat them) but she will just eat whatever is there, snacks for school- malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks. Then barely touches her balanced dinner.
i have had conversations with her - never mentioned weight- about eating healthy and balance. About her activities and if she wants to be strong she needs to eat a balanced diet. She agrees each time but carries in the same.
ive confronted her more firmly when I’ve found packets in her room. Sometimes it’s packets from else where so I’m guessing she gets food from kids at school?!
is it time to tell her she’s overweight or is that never going to be a good idea?

@ftp only the olives, peanut butter and nuts could be considered “low carb.”

I haven’t read all responses, so it might have already been suggested. But I wanted to add, from my personal experience, that having high protein breakfast helps me to stave off hunger pangs. On the days when I have eggs, beans or other protein I fill full the whole day, and less likely to graze. It also helps me to focus more.
So my advice is to avoid sugary cereals altogether, and don’t have any snacks at home, except veg and fruit.

The bigger issue is she is steals!

if she is so sneaky to steal at home and to don’t know where the other foods are from, can you confidently say she did not steal them from other kids at school or the shops?!

I was your daughter. Slim and very active as a young child, then I started putting on weight when I was about 7. One of my most vivid and unpleasant memories is of my mother saying to me, "Smokey, do you REALLY need to eat that?!". I was about 4 at the time, not overweight at all, but it stuck with me and her hawk-like watching of my food intake until I left home has damaged my relationship with food for life.

I hit puberty very early - coincidentally (not!) right around the time I started putting on weight. I had breast development before I was 8, b-cup breasts and wearing a bra at 8, then got my period at 9. I was no longer 'the fat kid', but I have broad shoulders and big hips so I was always solid. I was also taller than every single kid in school (and a couple of the teachers) by age 10. Despite not being overweight, my mother's diet culture continued. I developed anorexic and bulimic behaviour in high school, then later on binge eating disorder.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 13 and, later, bipolar II. Taking antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs puts on weight. A lot of it. And I've struggled with my weight and disordered eating ever since (I'm now 53).

The first thing to check with your daughter is, is she mentally healthy? Hormones and puberty do awful things to your head. If she's secret eating, she already thinks she has a problem and somebody or somebodies have said something to make her feel that way. A mentally healthy and confident, loved daughter is much more important than a slim, miserable one.

And never, ever demonise any food. Healthy or otherwise. You will do lifelong damage.

This is a very simplistic comment (I could literally go on about diet culture and mental health forever!). I just wanted to say to you that addressing her mental health should be the first thing on your list. Think about whether she's exhibiting signs of early puberty - her hormones will be going berserk a good couple of years prior. Ask her whether she's noticing changes in herself, physically and mentally - I wish to God someone had asked me, because I had no idea what was going on and felt horribly ashamed by things I didn't understand. And I ate to ease that shame.

Good luck to you and your daughter - I wish you both luck and love.

I think it is a mistake to suggest to children that there is ‘good’ food and ‘bad’ food. Apart from this being a fast route to an eating disorder, there is rarely any scientific consensus on this, and what there is is heavily influenced by the food industry eg the very harmful suggestion that saturated fat is ‘bad’ that had us all eating petrochemical by-products instead of God’s good butter. (Similarly, cholesterol has been demonised, but low serum cholesterol is not actually normal and is possibly harmful).
My approach would be to stress natural, organic, preferably locally produced additive-free food and involve your kid in learning about it, sourcing it and maybe producing it. Is there a local organic farm that welcomes visitors? Could you and your daughter grow your own? Sprouted pulses and beans are easy, fun, quick and cheap. Potatoes can be grown in quite small containers and so can tomatoes, spinach, cabbage and lettuce and loads of other things. Do you have a garden, or could you get an allotment?
I realise I have no idea of your time pressures, but even sprouting mustard and cress could change your kid’s relationship with food.

Buy healthy snacks.

Take responsibly and stop buying rubbish.

You are the parent so change your habits and lead by example.

@OldMam I think our understanding has improved though so we can definitely say some stuff is unequivocally bad. It's the stuff that's described as "edible non-food" in Ultra Processed People.

Unfortunately, you need biology and chemistry degrees to understand food labels and assess the risk.

Eat real food, not too much, mostly plants is the best advice people can follow.

Try some other snacks such as rice cakes or nuts. Protein snacks, (rather than carbs)such as nuts or chicken pieces are good because they are filling, and don’t put the weight on. If you can bring dinner time a bit earlier this may also help.

My mum put me on a diet - well-meaning - when I was about the age of your daughter and it ruined my relationship with food and my body. I also stole food and bought snacks from local shops/ the school tuck food (and even ate things like raw bacon out of the fridge). I wasn’t especially overweight but I wasn’t ’slim’ either. I expect she thought she was ‘nipping it in the bud’ or trying to be kind through honesty. It is really the one thing I hold against her in an otherwise amazing relationship.

looking back what I wish my mum had emphasised instead is 1. Body positivity: the idea that we should love our bodies as we are, and choose clothes with joy and excitement rather than shame 2. Finding forms of exercise you love and doing it for enjoyment not weight control.

whatever size your daughter is or ‘ends up’ is probably out of your control but you can have a massive impact on how ashamed she feels and the tools and habits she has around exercise so she can have good mental health and be fit whatever size she is.

I don t understand how kids are allowed to come home and help themselves to food/snacks that have been planned to last the week or whatever. When my own children were young there was a strict limit on when/what snack they were allowed and they had to ask. Anyway how can parents afford for their children to help themselves.

Carrying weight around the middle is something we look for as diabetic risks. Perhaps you can approach things from an internal health mindset rather than it being about visual health problems?

Not sure bit gestational diabetes diet matches carb with protein, so lowish catb snack like maltloaf with a piece of cheese helps restrict the sugar hit and kept my weight stable. Maybe encourage that sort of snacking and then move to 'eat your dinner' stuff?

My DH has diabetes (type 2 but not obese — an inherited tendency) so we are all super-aware of the very real dangers of refined carbs and simple sugars. I think it’s fair to say that those foods are not ‘bad’ but they are designed to be eaten only very occasionally and in small amounts.

But I think unhealthy snacking has become normalised to a massive extent. I was always surprised by the number of offices I’ve worked in where a ‘cake table’ was a thing. And people would have packets of biscuits in their desks.

@NewFriendlyLadybird unfortunately ultraprocessed products and refined carbs should only be eaten in small quantities and rarely BUT they are designed by food scientists to be addictive, to increase sales, so its very hard for most people to only eat them in small quantities because of the nature of the food itself. Reading ultraprocessed people and metabolical blew my mind about how the food industry works.

She knows, I knew and everyone outside the family were only too eager to remind me if I should have forgotten.
My family were my safe haven, my only safe place. My mum and dad would have defended me to the earths end. I am serious when I say my mum kept me alive.
My emotional eating started when my parents moved home a lot due to work. It was an emotional response to the upheaval. The weight crept on and the bullying started, more emotional eating followed. That lead to fifty plus years in a vicious circle. I have tried everything, diet clubs, fasting, meal replacements over the years. Even now I eat 90% clean and exercise regularly and it is a slow, slow process to shift it.
Then when I had COVID I had my thyroid checked, along with other tests, as I had not recovered completely for quite awhile after it had gone. It turned out I had Hypothyroidism, of which one symptom is holding on to excess weight despite following the rules that allow other people to lose weight. It might be worth checking that out.
So, now I understand why it failed before, and I know it will take longer than other people to lose the pounds. Wish I had known earlier, I might not have given up so easily.

Ooh such a tough one.
my daughter has always been bigger, but not fat, she started seniors and really struggled, she then decided she was fat and put herself in a diet, she’s lost 3 stone in 6 months and looks fab.
Its really hard, I never told her she was overweight but interesting nurses did tell her she was heavy in a round about way… made her feel crap though!!

Of course at 8/9 she might be Gearing up for a sudden growth spurt and also thin out… all my DD did was cut out all snacks and only eat healthy food. The weight fell off…

Sorry if this has already been said or you have already done so. Have you had her blood sugar checked at a doctor? An uncontrollable appetite is one of the signs of diabetes. Also I’ve struggled with weight my entire life. Diets and pressure from others don’t help. She probably already gets teased about it. Speak to a health professional and get advice on how to handle it best.

At 9 you are in charge and need to teach healthy habits. Otherwise they can learn to binge either with your approval or in secret.

I have been lucky that my approach worked for my kids. No banned foods. A good mix of foods available at home but not too much junk.

Also exercise is essential for all and drink water with occasional juice or fizzy drink.

My youngest loves to snack and was overweight age 5 so we really worked to identify healthy snacks eg cucumber and popcorn. She still eats those but also other treats as and when. She's now 10 and skinny

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/prader-willi-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20355997#:~:text=A%20classic%20sign%20of%20Prader,or%20even%20garbage%2C%20may%20develop. Not sure if you’ve considered this, just a thought. I hope you can help your daughter and I send my compassion to you!

I wondered how long it would take for someone to mention Prader Willi. It's really, very unlikely that a child who is developing normally in every other way would be suspected of PW.

It doesn't seem like OP is coming back to the thread...

Also, I find it hard to believe that fat children don't know they are fat without someone telling them.

There is absolutely something deeper going on here and I think you need to focus on finding out what it is. But please whatever you do, do not tell her she is overweight x

Please be gentle! She is a 9 year old child and is already showing signs of disordered eating (eating in secret, not being able to eat during a family meal is a sign). Telling her that she is overweight isn't going to help any of that and has the potential to destroy your relationship.

I would suggest spending some time doing some research and speaking with other parents in a similar position (not the Mumsnet braying hoards). Tread carefully and kindly and I'm sure you'll be able to help her... but I can be 100% certain that telling her she's overweight is not the way to help and support her.

How active is she? Are you able to get her to up her activity levels? This may have been mentioned already, I apologise if it has, I haven't read all 16 pages. Rather than mentioning her weight if you can focus on activity which will in turn mitigate the calorie intake she may after time start to eat healthier naturally as she sees the weight come down.