To think there is no nice and easy way to say this

[AmIThatMam]

My daughter is overweight, medically but obviously- as in visually it’s obvious.
she carries her weight round her middle (like me- so I do sympathise) but when I was her age (9) I wasn’t overweight.
she is very active so it’s not that.
she overeats, simple as. She steals food from the kitchen. ( we now rarely have any ‘treats’ because she will sneak in and eat them) but she will just eat whatever is there, snacks for school- malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks. Then barely touches her balanced dinner.
i have had conversations with her - never mentioned weight- about eating healthy and balance. About her activities and if she wants to be strong she needs to eat a balanced diet. She agrees each time but carries in the same.
ive confronted her more firmly when I’ve found packets in her room. Sometimes it’s packets from else where so I’m guessing she gets food from kids at school?!
is it time to tell her she’s overweight or is that never going to be a good idea?

But you don't really know this, do you?

Or at least you didn't when you were writing your OP.

Sometimes it’s packets from else where so I’m guessing she gets food from kids at school?!

In the gentlest way, it looks like some of her lack of understanding about healthy snacks comes from you.
Malt loaf, yogurt biscuits, breadsticks.
carbs, sugar and salt are all high in these and they are all highly processed foods which get digested faster and are easier for the body to break down and give a sugar spike and then result in more hunger.
Fill the fruit bowl with apples and get some carrots, peppers and other veg pre chopped with some hummus in the fridge. All high fibre and low carb and will fill her for longer.

Don’t cut out or stop buying any of the ‘junk’ foods. That just makes them more appealing. And don’t attach moral values to any food either. No good, bad, junk, fattening. That sort of thing.

Both my younger kids went through a period of eating more ‘snack’ things than ‘proper meals’ and they both had a period of what I would call puppy fat. One of them is 17 now and has been a steady weight for years, size 10 on the top but big boobs to make her a 12 and a 14 on the bottom (she’s always edged towards being a pear). The other is 14 years old and and he is as slender as a whippet! They both have really good body image and a good relationship with food.

I ended up with an ED because of dieting (not my parents’ fault) but after having therapy for that it made me determined to do as much as I could to prevent that from happening to my kids. I also learned that a lot peoples’ eating issues stem from home life. The clear your plate thing, the made to eat whatever your parents decide and not have anything else. Like making them eat things they know they don’t like (not suggesting you’re like this). Another thing to avoid is if you’re hungry enough to eat greens, veg, whatever, then you can’t be hungry.

My therapist recommended this because when I was going through recovery, I was so concerned my kids would end up with an ED like me. I didn’t end up using it as such as I managed but read a bit about it and it seems really interesting. I think there are books you can buy.

https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/

Depends on quantity tho doesn't it?

I was 11 when my mum told me I was overweight and looking back now I was probably only 5 or 6lbs extra chubby. My mum was fabulous and wanted me to avoid all the heartache she'd gone through as a fat kid but it was like at that moment I suddenly felt shame at the knowledge I was somehow different. That's never left me and I still struggle today.

It's a tricky situation and I feel for you! You mention you're carrying weight yourself? Could it be that you tell her you want to get fitter yourself and will she help you with this? Something like that? It's a tough one.

Will she? How do you know this?

I mean given the UK obesity problem among school children?

Don’t cut out or stop buying any of the ‘junk’ foods. That just makes them more appealing

Or it sets up lifelong good eating habits. No one should be eating that stuff!

@DiamondGazette we do have all those healthy snacks in as well. She attends all the classes we can afford.
meal times changes are difficult as I work so it’s not like I can knock off early to make the dinner, but there could be ways around this like slow cooker for example. Thanks for your advice.

Well now we've isolated the problem. Eating these sorts of foods around healthy dinners will pile on the pounds. At least you know now. x

whatever you do don’t ban things and turn food into a battle ground.

My grandparents meant well when they took that line with me at about 10ish. Meals became a battle ground of them trying to persuade me to eat a tonne of veg and it felt like nothing was ever nice. It just made me sneaky and gave me a disordered attitude to food.

I’ve lost 10 stone in the last few years and I’m still not ‘skinny’ so that gives you an idea of how badly wrong that approach went.

I don't believe younger children should have have free access to food. I always had to ask my parents before helping myself to any food growing up and I've done the same with my daughter (who is now a slim 18 year old with a healthy attitude to food). Asking teaches them when, what and how much is an appropriate amount to eat. When they have to ask first you know exactly what they are eating. You are also able to say "no, it's only half an hour until tea time so you'll have to wait so you don't spoil your appetite" or "no, you've already had a biscuit today so you'll have to have fruit if you are hungry" or "no, it's not healthy to have more than one pack of crisps in a day" or "no, you didn't eat all your dinner so if you are hungry there some leftovers I can warm up for you" This is modelling and reinforcing to your child good eating habits.

That’s so awesome! Your mum (and secretly chocolate scoffing family) sound ace.

@towering im not overweight but have been in the past.

Re timings - my younger kids eat tonight what Dh, MIL and DS2 had last night.

Means I’m still only cooking one meal, but they get there’s earlier.

It's not just the calories though. You need to eliminate anything biscuity or cakish in the short term. Stick to three meals a day and no snacks. There's nothing wrong with not snacking. Or do 4 smaller meals rather than 3 normal sized ones.

You should also try to find out where she is getting these other snacks. Is she getting them from friends? Stealing them?

Don't talk about weight, talk about health. Increase her activity and try to maintain her weight as she grows up into it iyswim.

I am very fat and I know just how bad a food addiction can be. When I say addiction I don't mean actual addiction like nicotine for example, I mean comfort eating and filling emotional holes by being physically full.

Or it may be as simple as she really loves biscuits and cakes and eating in general and has no self control - I'd be more surprised if she did at 9 tbh. So it's on you to change the way the family eats and what is available.

They’re not high calorie overall but they’re unhealthy and she is eating unhealthy stuff and then not eating healthy food.

It's important to focus on her relationship with food here, and not her weight if you want long term health. Don't tell her she is overweight, but limit her snacking before her evening meal, if she asks why, simply say 'because you're not eating dinner, and it's not fair to keep wasting food, and money, so you can eat your meal and if you're hungry after we can go from there'

Please don't mention her weight, as you will encourage the secret eating and binging - if you make it taboo she will want it more. It's a tough one OP, but given that she is sporty/active you're doing her a great service with her health, just get the snacking under control, and eating balanced high protein meals. The food waste is a huge issue too, and one will fix the other.

I completely agree with this OP. The emotional eating is the thing to try and help with.

Best of luck to you, it's so hard isn't it. I've struggled all my life with my weight.

Greek yogurt, blueberries and a little honey or peanut butter is really filling and delicious too!

Are either you or your DH tall? Sometimes when a child is going to be tall they can be a bit on the large side when they’re younger.

@Nttttt Obviously the food industry flogs supposedly healthy snacks for children that are high in sugar/ saturated fat, but spag bol is sacred. Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water.

Op, a friend who had success with this did it through changes to household rules around eating rather than saying anything specific to her child about weight.

Malt loaf is “only” 90 calories and yoghurt biscuits “only” 75. A couple of each and that’s 330 calories.

Veggie sticks- carrot, cucumber, red peppers is the snack I give my 9yo DD (and my 2yo) after school/nursery while I get their tea ready.

@pregnancymakesmeeatapples ate you serious? You think the problem is a malt loaf? Ok thanks.

I think you need to be hiding the snacks. It’s the snacks that are the issue here so I’d be buying less of them and storing them elsewhere. Maybe a cupboard in your room. Then put just fruit out if she does want a snack. But no I wouldn’t say to her directly that she’s overweight.