To think there is no nice and easy way to say this

[AmIThatMam]

My daughter is overweight, medically but obviously- as in visually it’s obvious.
she carries her weight round her middle (like me- so I do sympathise) but when I was her age (9) I wasn’t overweight.
she is very active so it’s not that.
she overeats, simple as. She steals food from the kitchen. ( we now rarely have any ‘treats’ because she will sneak in and eat them) but she will just eat whatever is there, snacks for school- malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks. Then barely touches her balanced dinner.
i have had conversations with her - never mentioned weight- about eating healthy and balance. About her activities and if she wants to be strong she needs to eat a balanced diet. She agrees each time but carries in the same.
ive confronted her more firmly when I’ve found packets in her room. Sometimes it’s packets from else where so I’m guessing she gets food from kids at school?!
is it time to tell her she’s overweight or is that never going to be a good idea?

I was reading a thing recently about why some children over eat - there were a few suggested reason.
Habit, obsession/compulsion, sensory seeking, comfort and finally unpredictable mealtimes.
That final one was me as a child - our mealtimes were a bit all over the place (not my parents' fault, just circumstances). I would get hungry, not know when my next meal was coming so just eat until I was full.
Maybe, try to work out why your DD wants to overeat, and see if you can help.

You need to stop buying snacks. Even snacks that seem healthy (“healthy” snack bars as they are packed full of sugar and crap) NO CEREAL no matter how “healthy” it looks. Savoury breakfasts like Frittata which you can pre-make for her.

Drink are the main one. Fizzy drinks, juice and cordial are off limit. Anything which tastes sweet likely isn’t good for anyone including juice. If she needs something with a bit more flavour than water then try flavoured water although again flavourings aren’t helping the health kick.

Too much fruit is an issue so many fall down. She will need fruit to supplement not having sugary snacks but just buy a small amount.

Kids do often copy what their parents are doing so please check your own diet too. My mum would eat loads of sugar but in the form of health bars/fruit and sugar free things as she thought these were the healthy option it gave me a horrible sweet tooth. She also loaded me with fortified cereal which I would eat bowls of and now I’m gluten intolerant. I’m very health conscious now, I was lucky to always stay slim but my digestive tract and back teeth are ruined.

You have 9 years of unraveling to begin. Do not call it a diet to her as that is harmful to a little girl!! Just say you’re both going to focus on more healthy meals so you can be strong together.

Does she go to any classes or groups? Sports? Theatre? Swimming? Anything like that? And do you guys go out much to parks or other outdoor activities?

Also do you cook healthy dinners? What’s on the menu at home usually?

@TomeTome ro be honest I don’t see malt loaf as a high calorie snack. It’s about 90 cals and low fat. The yoghurt biscuits are 75 calories I don’t see them as high calorie so maybe I’m just thinking about it wrong. I have other children who don’t have the same issues.

How is her emotional regulation otherwise? Is she anxious, able to express upset, etc? Maybe focusing on this and doing yoga, craft, spending time together etc might help her find ways to divert her upset feelings away from the biscuit tin.

She needs to learn how to do self care and comfort herself in a way that isn't based on sugary snacks. I'd talk about food a bit but more about what we should do when we don't feel good about ourselves.

I also think you could move away from malt loaf, biscuits etc. Those would be binge foods for me. Carrot, cucumber, oatcakes, fruit etc are less likely to be eaten at a rapid pace! Maybe draw up a list of snacks in sensible portions she could have and it's only that, not just raiding the cupboard?

Basically I'd stop focusing on the weight per se but think more about whether she's a happy creature. Whether she's chubby or not.

This sounds really good. And crucially, as a PP said, have dinner earlier. You don't need to ask her to do anything different - just make her. She's only 9 and you won't have control for many more years - so use it now!

You are thinking about it wrong yes, they are sugary snacks that aren’t necessary. As part of a balanced meal they are fine but if you are concerned about your child’s snacking habits you need to cut them out. She can eat fruit and veg, she doesn’t need processed sugary snacks.

I think this is a brilliant approach to trial first. It’s clear, straightforward and practical.

What’s also nice about it is it gives you and DD some time to spend together (e.g. whilst she’s having her after-school snack and during dinner), so she can tell you about her day and talk about the nice fun things that happened as well as anything upsetting or unpleasant that happened, so you can find out what’s on her mind and see if there’s anything troubling her that might be linked to her relationship with food.

Another suggestion is to start off with the above approach, and then if that’s working well, to build in some time each week for small active things you and DD can do - e.g. take a walk to somewhere you both want to visit, try a sport you’re both keen on, do a new physical activity together. With this, you can role model healthy habits to DD, spend some time enjoying each other’s company and do something healthy that will benefit her and hopefully resolve this.

No of course you shouldn’t tell her.

You are the parent, this is your fault.

If you think she is getting the food from school then it’s possible she’s stealing it from other children (especially if she has form for doing this at home) and so I would contact the school and let them know.

For me (lifelong binge eater!) It's not about calories, it's the sugar hit you get from things. It's a sweet thing in a packet. Anything like cake or biscuits shouldn't really be an everyday snack, no matter what the advertising says.

@Nttttt i cook what I see as ‘normal’ family meals.
bolognese
chicken dinner, beef stew, gammon and (home made) chips, sausage and mash. Always with at least 3 vegetables

I was really large as a 9-11 year old and then completely skimmed down when I started puberty. I was bullied at school during my chubby years and it stayed with me til adulthood. Absolutely no good can come from telling a 9 year old they are overweight.

Malt loaf is so full of sugar and carbs. these are often the things that make people overweight.

High good fat is great for you. Sugar is the worst thing especially for kids. Hence why Keto works for so many adults (please do not do this with a 9 year old) people see “low fat!” And think healthy. That is not true at all. Malt loaf is delicious yes but horrendous nutritionally.

It angers me that places advertise health snacks and bars when they are packed through with sugar and certainly not a healthy option at all.

Also do you know what foods your DD likes? Maybe spend some time making a list with her of healthy foods she likes - and treat foods to be eaten less frequently- so she feels in control and happy with the foods she’s eating. You may have already tried this, and I realise it’s easier said than done as you mentioned you’ve also got other children so I imagine you’re quite busy, but this might be worth a try, and shouldn’t take too long.

My mum said this to me at 9. Looking back at pictures I wasn't even really overweight, maybe slightly chubby.

I'm not saying it screwed up my whole relationship with food because I'm in my 30s now and not overweight, but I can remember the hurt and all it did was make me want to comfort eat.

I think at such a young age you need to be modelling good habits and take charge of what snacks are available, she's obviously going to eat biscuits etc if they're just there.

This is extraordinarily difficult and I completely sympathise. DS was very overweight at a similar age, including some stealing of food and also just the relentless begging and complaining and whining and we gave in way too often (DH was particularly bad and in fact, it caused some tension between us as a result).

It's also worth noting that DS has Sensory Processing Disorder and, as it turns out, inattentive ADHD. weight problems in both of these is not unusual.

DS himself started to realise he was overweight. The other children teased him. So there was incentive on his side to get improve things. Which allowed us to all work together. Unfortunately I think it's very very difficult if you're imposing it on your DD without any interest from her. Having said that, here are a few things we did and that worked for us:

we knew that cutting all the treats etc in one go was going to be too hard. So we created our own sort of version of Slimming World Sync. We said he could have an allowance of "treat" foods equal to 10 points and we allocated those points based on SW (only because we had Sw data so it was easy - you can do this however you like - eg we didn't include healthy fats etc like SW did. We just did this for obvious treats). This then dropped later as he started to see the results. DH also implemented a "you can have as much fat free greek yoghurt as you like" like Slimming world recommends. I wasn't wild about this at first, but actually, him having yoghurt when he felt hungry - sometimes with a weetabix or something - wasn't a bad thing.

Main meals - he always ate his main meals, which was one of our problems - he at anything and everything! But we tried to make main meals very filling, very nutritious but less calorific/fatty. we moved away from "kids" food of oven food or spaghetti bolognaise and fish pie and all those nutrient-dense, high calorie food you give children because they so often eat so little of it. Lots of grilled/baked chicken and fish with huge piles of vegetables and served with potatoes/rice. Luckily, he is a good eater so he liked eating "grown up food" with us at night (a bit later than DD was eating) so this wasn't hard. I think the food was interesting enough in flavour and texture as well that it satisfied him.

You say she's active, but what does this entail? DS was pretty active, but... because he was overweight, he would stop a lot - so he might be outside or whatever, but if you watched him, you'd realise he was taking lots of breaks, not pushing it etc. If we went for a walk with the dog, he would dawdle behind me, not keep moving etc. He wasn't really as fit as you might think. So him and DH got an exercise program going where they would do circuits in the garden (this was during covid) and they would work to constantly improve - so 5 circuits without a break, then 7 etc. Or a harder circuit or whatever. They got hilariously creative with circuits involving running up and down stairs, push ups, jumping on and off the trampoline etc! When gyms etc reopened, he did a lot of swimming - it's a nice low impact sport but kept him physically moving and his weight was less of an issue.

Good luck, I really do know how incredibly difficult this is and I sympathise a lot. A friends is in a similar situation with her DD. They police everything and snacks and treats aren't kept in the house but it's nonetheless relentless - I've seen this child go round tables stealing food from anyone she can, for example. And because she IS so overweight, getting her to do the kind of longer-term exercise that would support weight loss is very difficult.

DS is now 13, tall for his age and very slim. He spent the last couple of years fine weight wise, but possibly at the top end of fine. Then he grew half a foot over six months and is now super slim!

Fruit, veg, nuts and seeds (if she can eat nuts). These are filling and so good for you. Peanut butter like Meridian which has nothing but peanuts in it. Good hummus with carrot sticks or slices of pepper. Just don't have things like malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits or breadsticks in the house. Then if she needs to snack, she will can eat these healthy things that tend to fill you up and not put weight on you.

OP, I was her! Unlike you my mother did not ask for help, but put me on diets (or rather
made my grandmother do it) and started me on the yoyo weight gain upwards spiral.
Don’t tell her. She knows.
So my advice is similar to what others have said: talk about water and having it when she’s hungry first. At that age they don’t always get thirst and hunger separates in their heads.
Only have fruit and cut up veg with hummus accessible.
But she can pick a treat after dinner. Speaking of which - when is that in your house? I know my lad wants it around 5 - 6 at the latest or he’ll end up filling up on bananas etc.
I also urge you to get perspective. Is she overweight or well developed, which looking back could have applied to me, but my mother projected (she has been BIG all her life).

Is she bored? My lad drums - that takes a lot of time and energy 😄

Why is she allowed to help herself to food?
My dc are nearly 9 and nearly 6 and can't just help themselves to food in the house - they need to ask first. You need to enforce some house rules.

For example Bolognese again is carbs (spaghetti) with more sugar on top (tomatoes) Then often will be accompanied by garlic bread. Especially using the jars of sauce they are packed full of sugar. I would look at making your own sauces packed full of veg (less tomatoes) with no added sugar. Can freeze them and it gets all their veggies in for the day!

Should probably clarify I had bulimia as an early teen/preteen because I was comfort eating and then purging. Please don't address this directly with your DD.

Could you ask her if she would help you to eat healthily? Tell her that now youre getting older, you need to eat a better diet and ask if she could help.
Maybe she could 'advise' you on good stuff to eat, and might actually enjoy being in charge if healthy food?
Worth a try 🙂

I think a lot is about changing her view of healthy options. Maltloaf and biscuits are the high calorie snacks pointed out previously when you asked what high calorie snacks you were giving her. Both are packed with refined sugars and saturated fats. That's just two items that jump out but look at the other snack foods that are made available to her and think of ways of replacing them with things not overloaded with saturates and sugars. It's not just about eating too much but too much of the wrong things.

@Nttttt thank you for those ideas. She does sporting activities 4 x per week (after school things and at the weekend) we get outside a lot more when the weather is warmer but always have a walk on a Sunday.

Sounds like she is hungry after school, can you give her dinner earlier? So she is having the more balanced dinner.