I told DD I wish I had never had her

[user9009887]

I feel terrible obviously I never meant it but life is just stressful at the moment.

In August my husband and father of my two children DS 20 and DD 16 left. He had been having an affair for 5 years and when I found out he went to live with the other woman.

He has no contact with DD but does see DS occasionally as they both work near each other.

DD doesn't talk about her Dad she started college in September and has made new friends and doesn't speak about her home life to them. She doesn't see any old school friends anymore I don't know if that is just a part of growing up or if it is to avoid talking about her Dad.

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce and was going over bits this afternoon and I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her.

Her Dad has abandoned her and now I have said this to her I can't imagine what is going on in her head right now.

You already know this but you have some serious apologising to do because those words will never leave your child now.

She is old enough to understand pressure and I think you need to go in with that but please be prepared for a very long road.

I'm not sure that's what you wanted to hear but you know that your actions have consequences.

Sorry to hear about your husband. Please seek professional help for you and your kids.

You'll have already apologised and agreed it was totally wrong of you to say it, I hope.

Was she very upset at the time?

Have you given her a sincere, heartfelt, emphatic apology?

I am not going to say anything to make you feel worse than you do already
this has been very unfair on you and you are left to carry the can

but I would give time to heal and try and take her out at the weekend and explain you didn’t mean it .. 💐

We’re all human and can say things in the heat of the moment but please go and see your daughter and apologise. You know you shouldn’t have said it and that is what you need to say to her. She needs to know how much you love her and also that she can talk to you about her feedings around her dad leaving etc. Would she consider counselling to talk through her feelings?
More than anything she needs to know you love her, will always be there for her and didn’t mean what you said.

Sorry op but as someone who's mum said similar to me in a similar situation I can honestly tell you that she will never forget what you've said, all you can do is try to repair the damage you've done asap

I'm sorry you're going through such a dreadful time. I advise putting your phone away and prioritising time with your DD to unravel the mess you've just made. She has to be your number one focus for the next few hours while you prove to her you didn't mean it.

You know MN will probably be more unforgiving and harsh than your DD ever will (unless she is a Victorian judge.)

It’s a form of self punishment. I would just apologise sincerely and move on.

You need to tell her you are so sorry and that you didn't mean it. Then you need to make her believe it. Counselling might help her and you. It does sound like she is maybe not dealing with the issue of her dad.

It is a terrible thing to say but you absolutely can come back from this. We are human and we make mistakes. Come back from it better and stronger and learn from it. You can do this OP. Look what you have come through already.

Not sure any apology can fully recover from that. I’ve had periods of stress but I don’t think that’s an excuse for saying something as cruel as that. Apologies then over the next 6 months make a massive effort - hang out with her, tell her you like spending time with her, make her feel valued.

Apologise. Hug her. Tell her how much she means to you. Tell her you're lucky to be her mother.

If you haven’t already - apologise whole heartedly and without reservation. An apology should never have a BUT in it by the way.

No “but I was really stressed / I was doing divorce paperwork”. Your explanation here is full of excuses. What you said was utterly appalling. You really need to try and undo that damage.

what a nightmare. I would suggest some family counselling with a therapist. I'm sure you could all do with it, and she needs to explore how that made her feel.

I don’t think it is just about apologising, although you definitely need to do that.

It is as bad as it gets, really, as it will make her wonder about the value of her entire existence.

You need to address how you came to say it and how you can become a proper parent to your daughter. Will counselling or family therapy help? Maybe a teenage parenting course?

You need to make sure you never ever say anything like it again and become a consistent supportive parent, but still maintain appropriate boundaries, The worst you can do is oscillate between this type of comment and over effusive displays of love and affection.

How did that come about? You must be under immense stress but you can't take it out on dd. Why was the anger directed at her?

We all say things we don't mean sometimes, especially when we're under a lot of stress. Just apologise and explain how you've been feeling. I remember my mum saying this to me decades ago in a challenging moment. Although it wasn't nice, I knew at the time she didn't mean it. She was a very loving mother and we're very close.

I think you didn't need to say it - she would have known it already. Children know when they were unwanted or have brought you a disappointment.

Don't think there is a coming back from this.

Oh OP - this is the kinda thing you can’t unhear so you’ll have a lot of sincere apologising to do.

Is family therapy an option?

I’m not going to tell you it was a terrible thing to say because you know that. We can say awful things in the heat of the moment. I don’t think it’s what you said then but how you move forward and deal with it now.

My MIL told my DH that she regrets having children and wishes she'd never had him. Their relationship now is about three superficially polite phone calls a year. DH feels that there's no coming back from this. I agree - it's the worst thing a mother can say (and I say this as someone who's quite laid back and forgive and forget any sharp words said in the heat of the moment).

If you love your daughter, you will need to work very hard now to show her.

Where did it come from? Was it a response to her behaviour? It's important to know what triggered it so you can unpick why you said it. Is there any aspect of it which is true?

What an awful thing to say to your dd

The OP knows this already. That's why she's posting on here for support. I'm sure OP won't make this mistake again - posting on here I mean.

What’s the context of your outburst? You don’t mention if it was due to her behaviour. The way you put it sounds like it was a throw away remark.

This. There must have been far more to it. How on earth did
You get to the point of saying this if that's all that was happening.