I told DD I wish I had never had her

[user9009887]

I feel terrible obviously I never meant it but life is just stressful at the moment.

In August my husband and father of my two children DS 20 and DD 16 left. He had been having an affair for 5 years and when I found out he went to live with the other woman.

He has no contact with DD but does see DS occasionally as they both work near each other.

DD doesn't talk about her Dad she started college in September and has made new friends and doesn't speak about her home life to them. She doesn't see any old school friends anymore I don't know if that is just a part of growing up or if it is to avoid talking about her Dad.

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce and was going over bits this afternoon and I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her.

Her Dad has abandoned her and now I have said this to her I can't imagine what is going on in her head right now.

@LightSwerve yes she did eventually but by then it was far to little far to late. I have never forgotten nor forgiven her it basically destroyed our relationship well that plus the "you've been nothing but trouble since you were conceived" (when in therapy trying to fix things). I haven't spoken to her in more than a decade and have zero intention to ever do so again

OP, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that your relationship with your daughter will never be the same again. As MN shows, people cut contact with their mothers for far less than this.

You need to correct this and quickly. Take her out for a meal (neutral ground), explain yourself that you didn't mean it at all, she was and is wanted and that you're sorry for snapping in the stress of the moment. That you will give her space but hope that you can both move past it in time.

Basically you need to get grovelling and quickly.

What a terrible thing to say to your child. Very damaging. You will have a lot of making up to do OP.

I said it in the context - sometimes I wish i had never had kids. I didn't mean it for one moment but just that divorce would be much easier without them.

She is desperate for driving lessons when she turns 17 and we bought them for DS and a car for his 17th and she knows that it isn't going to happen for her.
Her dad hasn't been around for her the past 4 years, never came to any of her parents evenings or helped with homework like he did with DS.

Before Christmas there were plans for them (DD and DS) to meet up with their dad but DS couldn't make it as he had plans with his girlfriend and husband said there was no point in meeting that weekend then, so she already feels unwanted by her dad and now I have gone and said this.

How did going over bits in the middle of a messy divorce lead to the comment that you wish you had never had your DD? There is no clear connection - I can sort of understand if you got married when you were pregnant with her (my mum got married when she was pregnant with my sister and then got pregnant with me when she was breastfeeding and said she then felt she had to stay and it ruined her life - I do think that was not too far from she wished she never had me, but not actually that far). But you were four years into a marriage and your DD was eleven when your husband started an affair, and that is of course not your DD’s fault. So it is difficult to see where it came from.

It is also not easy to see the relevance of your DD’s new friendship group. It is not unusual to get caught up with new friends when you start college or Uni - my DD’s best friend went AWOL in the first semester, which DD was upset/concerned about, and I ended up just dropping DD’s gift for her off at her house in January and texting the friend’s mum could DD visit before she left to go back to Uni. And now things are back to normal with their communication and friendship. It’s a big adjustment. It’s also not unusual for DC to have separated parents but it is unusual for their father not to have any communication. Surely you need here to step in and tell her dad he still has responsibilities? If you have not done so already. No divorce is so messy that parents should stop thinking what their DC need.

Sorry, cross post

@ZoeCM adult children don’t cut contact with their parents, unless they have very good reason to do so. It’s never a decision taken lightly.

I had similar and I didn't ever forget it.

How did she react and have you apologised?

I was told this once and never forgot it.

Quite obviously not true. MN will read, comment, and move on. Her daughter has to live with this for life and won't forget.

This. Also, do not attempt to justify it in any way.

What an infuriating thread. What do you even want from it? I find it difficult to imagine anyone genuinely doing this and then posting about it in such a vague manner.

Wow, I now hope this isn't a genuine post because this context about her dad changes everything. She IS unwanted, and has been since before her dad left. That's the only thing you should be caring about frankly, so there is no cause for what you said. You took the thing that makes her most vulnerable as a child and used it against her.

Also the fact you stayed with her dad knowing how he treated her?? You're complicit in her feelings of abandonment, so I really don't see any way of her moving past this. It's not just one comment, it's a lifetime of feeling this way that you have now confirmed.

My mum said this to me once. Even though she apologised later, I'm far too aware that we tend to say what we really mean in the heat of the moment, and it's quite likely she means it, and would have preferred not to have children.

I'm child-free myself, by choice, so can completely understand, and feel quite guilty that she spent the best years of her life looking after us.

Do they really? I don't think so. There's a huge difference between a loving parent who says a terrible thing once - followed by lots of remorse, love and reassurance - and one who says this stuff and means it.

My mother said things like this constantly. "You've never brought me anything but heartache", "I wish to God I'd never had any of you", etc. She said it so often that by the time I was OP's DD's age I would eye roll and mutter "me too". Moreover she proved in the way she treated me that she absolutely meant it. No surprise that we have no contact now.

OP isn't anywhere near that situation. There's every chance of pulling this round and while her DD will remember that she said it and it hurt, it doesn't have to define their relationship.

I think some people just love to put the boot in, tbh. It's sick.

Well, whatever happens she won't forget it. I haven't.

My mum said this too me, too. More than once however she really meant it and I’m not entirely sure you do. I don’t have a proper relationship with my parents anymore, mainly because of how cruel she is and because my dad refused to accept it and won’t accept the truth.

What you said won’t leave her. She’s going to be feeling so hurt. You’ve got a lot of apologising to do.

I feel like someone punched me in the gut just reading this and it’s not even about me. Add in the surrounding hurt re absent father and brother getting car & driving lessons & her not.

You must go to the ends of the earth to make her understand you didn’t mean it you must put her no1 until she believes you anything less than this then you will never to repair The damage you’ve caused. When I was 16 my mum told me she loved me but didn’t like me & Iv never forgotten that it was excruciating and felt like the worse kind of rejection. What you said is so much worse. I know you feel bad that’s why you’re posting but you have got to get this across to her & how much you didn’t mean it or else your relationship will never be the same and she will always be scarred. You are supposed to be her guardian. Please do the right thing and also get yourself some support at the same time.

My mother said this to me years ago when I was a teenager. You may forgive, you don't forget.

I overheard my mum telling my step dad that she wished she hadn’t had me and it was just those two and their new child.

I was 16. I’m 42 now and still not over it.

i am in Scotland where you need to have the child arrangements agreed before you can divorce.
Divorce is easier without kids legally,
that is a fact here.
Agreeing the child arrangements costs money, in solicitor fees and getting the agreement drawn up, and it costs even more if it goes to court.
And then stalling on the child arrangements can be used as a way to contest the divorce and bleed you dry financially and emotionally.

In this instance, yes, divorce is definitely easier if you don’t have kids.

But even then, and I have been in this situation, I am in this situation as I am now separated ten years and waiting until my youngest is 16 before I can get divorced, it has not translated into ‘I wish I had not had children sometimes’.

Divorce is painful, even if you instigate it. Divorce is painful when it comes as a result of a betrayal. But what divorce never ever is, is the children’s fault.

I think you need to unpack what you meant here and why you thought it was appropriate to vocalise it. Heck, I don’t even want my youngest to know the reason I am not divorced is because I cannot afford another penny to agree the child arrangements and I am waiting it out. That is the fault of the law, not the DC. The thing is, I did get married, and I did have DC, and it didn’t work out and this is the legal context it needs to be unravelled in.

Me too, 40 years ago, and I can still hear the words today. Please take action today, and going forwards, to try and put this right. My mum never apologised or attempted to explain so I have spent my life re-living her awful words in my head. Hopefully you can explain and apologise, and hopefully she will understand and forgive. Don’t leave it like this.

My DM said the same to me, several times. Fifty plus years later, I haven't forgotten.

I was rejected by my abusive DF and subjected to comments such as the one you made to your DD from my DM (as well as other shit). I have been NC for a long, long time.

Your DD must be devastated.