I told DD I wish I had never had her

[user9009887]

I feel terrible obviously I never meant it but life is just stressful at the moment.

In August my husband and father of my two children DS 20 and DD 16 left. He had been having an affair for 5 years and when I found out he went to live with the other woman.

He has no contact with DD but does see DS occasionally as they both work near each other.

DD doesn't talk about her Dad she started college in September and has made new friends and doesn't speak about her home life to them. She doesn't see any old school friends anymore I don't know if that is just a part of growing up or if it is to avoid talking about her Dad.

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce and was going over bits this afternoon and I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her.

Her Dad has abandoned her and now I have said this to her I can't imagine what is going on in her head right now.

Look, you made a mistake with your daughter. We’ve all done it. Please stop beating yourself up over this. I’m sure you’ve apologised to her. When the heat had gone out of this situation, just sit her down, apologise again and explain that you were feeling stressed and you didn’t mean it and should never have said it. She’s 16. She will be fine and even if she’s angry at you right now, as long as she knows she’s loved she will be ok. Mum guilt is a massive thing and I think we should all give ourselves and others a break. Be a bit kind to yourself. You matter xx

My mum once shouted at me that I was a mistake and she wished she never had me. I was 14 ish I think. She didn’t mean it, she was in a state at the time.

I knew she didn’t mean it, any more than I really meant it when I shouted that I hated her. It didn’t scar me or make me feel unloved or anything.

Im her carer now and we often joke about how it’s a good bloody job she has me, otherwise she would be stuck with men all day! (My brothers and dad- who she also loves).

Apologise and explain, and don’t do it again. If this is one blip in an otherwise healthy relationship it won’t be the end of the world.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but that dotesy baby will grow into a child/adult that you may not always see eye to eye with... been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

You have literally no idea what lies ahead!

My mother said that to me, not once but several times when I was a child. I have never forgotten her words and tone. She'd behave as if she'd never said it but we both knew it was the truth. Knowing it for truth is the only way I've come to terms with it. At least she was honest. And yes, my self-esteem is pretty low.
I don't know if there's a way back from this for you and your daughter.

Well I guess we will never know, seeing as the OP has decided not to come back to the thread, in spite of all the advice she's been given.

What a waste of people's time.

If a dad had said this, everyone would be baying for his blood, not saying ‘don’t beat yourself up’.
OP learn to write things down and then tear them up/burn them. Words can’t be unsaid.

It would depend on the context!

And her dad, who has abandoned her, has effectively said the same.

This is MN - men very rarely get defended on here. I can’t imagine anyone looking beyond the vile words ‘I wish you had never been born’, regardless of context. But they would for a mum.

@allmyliesaretrue

See my other post. I assure you I know what I'm talking about.

I've also raised 2 almost 17 year old girls full time since they were 3 alongside their father. Their mother abandoned them at the age of 1 after a year in hospital after being born at 24 weeks. She could have been dead for the past 16 years and we'd have no idea:

I've been through everything with them and been there for everything. First day at school, learning to ride a bike, periods, boys, SATS, GCSES, puberty, bullying, liasing with schools and GPs, medication. The teenage relationships, the shift in dynamics, the attitudes, the behavioural issues the ADHD pathway. The resentment the anger the good times and the bad.

They are my children.

So yes I do know what the hell I'm talking about.

I also speak as a psychotherapist who has spoken to hundreds of people who still struggle with the effects of what has been said to them as children as many many other people have noted here.

So again, I do know what I'm talking about in more ways than one.

In your opinion.

My dad said this when I was about 13 and 22 years on I haven't forgotten. Though he elaborated on how, so a little worse than what you have said as it definitely couldnt be excused.
However, it won't be forgotten and it will create a seed in the back of her mind. Apologise obviously, but also stop making excuses for saying it.
Definitely do not use the pathetic excuses you have here of doing divorce papers. Just say you're sorry and there's no excuse.

@scoobysnaxx on a thread that's largely about the relationship between parents and teenagers, you referred to your 'first baby' without any mention of having previously brought up two teenagers. This isn't about people thinking stepparents aren't real parents but about you not mentioning your stepchildren in the first place, in a thread where that would be relevant. And referring to your 'first baby' in that way, without initially mentioning them, does give the impression that you hadn't previously brought up any children. It's actually you giving the impression that you're drawing a distinction between your biological child and your stepchildren. I appreciate that isn't how you meant it, but given that several of us made the assumption that your first baby was also your first child, you can see how your post came across.

I also appreciate that you may have mentioned your older girls earlier in the thread, but I tend to read all the OP's posts and skim other posts, without necessarily registering who has said what, so I was going on that post alone. I wasn't connecting it with what you may or may not have said before.

@BardRelic I only failed to mention them before as the thread is about telling children you wish you'd never had them/been born. As a step parent I obviously cannot say something like this to them as I didn't birth them. Can appreciate how it came across. However the other poster still thinks I don't know what I'm talking about despite my further post.

Anyway OP, I really hope your daughter forgives you and you can improve your relationship with her.

I was told this by my mother as a young child and decades later I still remember it
You can only apologise but she'll never forget you said it

My mother and I had an argument which was started by her. She never apologised so we stayed away from each other. Then 2 days before my 50th birthday my father phoned me and told me that I was nothing but an effing embarrassment. I shall never forgive either of them.

You have apologised immediately and reassured her of your love. she will remember your words forever but I’m sure she’ll see past it. Especially when she has her own children and she understands the pressure on you xx

That makes more sense @scoobysnaxx . Thanks for explaining.

Don't beat yourself up about it, that's not going to help. We all say and do things we don't mean or regret. All you can do going forward is tell her how utterly sorry you are and you promise you did not mean it and try and hopefully you can both move past it. Show her how much you love and care for her every day!

Badhairdayagain · Today 12:52
"You have apologised immediately and reassured her of your love. she will remember your words forever but I’m sure she’ll see past it. Especially when she has her own children and she understands the pressure on you xx"

Where did the OP said she has apologised immediately (or at all) and reassured her DD of her love"? She has only written 2 posts and it's not in either of them.

I responded to your original post.

No need to get uppity and rude!!

Well said.

@user9009887

How are things between you and your daughter?