I told DD I wish I had never had her

[user9009887]

I feel terrible obviously I never meant it but life is just stressful at the moment.

In August my husband and father of my two children DS 20 and DD 16 left. He had been having an affair for 5 years and when I found out he went to live with the other woman.

He has no contact with DD but does see DS occasionally as they both work near each other.

DD doesn't talk about her Dad she started college in September and has made new friends and doesn't speak about her home life to them. She doesn't see any old school friends anymore I don't know if that is just a part of growing up or if it is to avoid talking about her Dad.

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce and was going over bits this afternoon and I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her.

Her Dad has abandoned her and now I have said this to her I can't imagine what is going on in her head right now.

Oh god, I'm not even sure that is fixable.

In your shoes I think I would offer an sincere apology, and then I would be inclined to write a letter with all the amazing things about her, special memories, and how much you love her, and why.

If she has it there, in writing, it will give her time to reread it, and keep going back to it every time she feels like shit.

Definitely look at getting some help for yourself op. I know you're under a huge amount of stress, but that's an extreme reaction.

Far more regret having kids than ever admit it. If you are pushed to the limit, then it may get verbalised. At 16, she knows we are all infallible. Just say sorry and move on.

This will inevitably end up in a pile on so I hope you read this before you're snowed under with people comparing you to snow whites stepmum.

Explain to her how badly youre hurting and hurt people hurt those who they are closest to. Explain until she's sick of hearing it, that you said something to her that was full of venom because you're so angry right now and you've taken it out on her because she was closest in that moment. Apologise, hug her, let her know how fucking atrocious you feel.

Hurt people hurt people in the moment but how you deal with it going forward will affect you both for a very long time. It's deep, heavy and horrid, but you'll pull through with honesty, allowing her to work through the anger and trauma this will have caused her.
Take her reaction on the chin and reassure her she's loved no matter what.

And make huge efforts going forward, actions are needed.

I think the letter is a good idea, if my mum had said this to me I don't think 'sorry' would fix it and I'm not sure I'd believe her saying she didn't mean it after the fact, because if she didn't mean it, why would she say it? So I think having the letter to reread and digest in her own time could work better.

My mum used to say this to me. It damaged me and our relationship. She died earlier this month. I have been a dutiful daughter all my life and took care of her in her old age but there was never really any genuine affection there. She killed it stone dead long ago.

however your situation is different I think. First of all I heard it repeatedly and it was reflected in her treatment of me so I knew it was true. Also my mum never apologised or retracted it. In your case it doesn't seem to be true - it was a momentary lashing out set against a lifetime of love and support. It doesn't make it ok but she probably knows deep down you didn't mean it. You have to opportunity to apologise and tell her you know it was a cruel and untrue thing to say and ask her to let you start afresh.

Ok, it was awful but it's not irrecoverable. There's no point in beating yourself up, you need to try damage limitation and focus on her.

Even if she tells you she doesn't care or she's not bothered etc you need to understand that's common for teenagers. It's hard to process big emotions and shock and they often push it down, only for it to come out later in different ways.

You need to give a heartfelt, unreserved apology without any buts or otherwise attempting to excuse yourself. You need to let her tell you how hurt she was without trying to make her feel sorry for you, however unintentionally. And you need to understand she's not going to forget you said this and is likely to need your love and reassurance going forward but it will be ok.

If you explained the context, perhaps posters could help you through this.

Did you say and mean DD specifically? Or a generic “kids ruin your life, they’re so stressful, wish I’d never had them”? What was the conversation about when you said this?

Did you mean her, or her and her brother?

You’ll know all the things, including about seeing her life from her perspective. I think getting over this could be a matter of months and years, not days and weeks. What you do immediately will matter. Don’t let her stew with the idea that you wish she didn’t exist/hadn’t been born.

This

A letter is a tremendous idea @StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips ❤

I was around the same age when my mother said that to me. Simply saying your sorry is not enough. You need to tell acknowledge to her the fact it was a cruel thing to say and how awful it made her feel. Hold back the tears when you speak to her and do not make it all about you. Give no excuses because there are none.

ETA. My mother died in 2020, 40 years later. Our relationship never fully recovered as, no matter how much I wanted to, I could never forgive her for saying what she said.

This.

this can be repaired, if you haven’t done so already, you just need to tell her how much you love her and how you didn’t mean a word of what came out your mouth - tell her right right now xxx

I think context would help here. I was young (13/14 maybe?) and arguing with my mum and yelling at her I was probably adopted and she wishes I wasn't born etc and she snapped and said fine yes I wish that. It has not affected me at all because in hindsight I knew I was pushing her sooooo hard that she snapped and I knew she loved me and didn't mean it. But if she'd just said it when I was doing nothing or only slightly annoying I imagine it would still hurt today.

Well you know you need to say sorry. Context is everything though - were you guys having a big argument?

What was the context to you saying this? Did you just blurt it out like your posts suggests? You don’t give any context of the conversation. It’s a truly awful thing to say, it’s not her fault your marriage didn’t work out. Hopefully you didn’t mean it and can make that clear to her.

Awful

I’ve edited to delete as unhelpful.

I’m sure you didn’t mean it and we all loose our shit sometimes but I would make a big deal of this to her and say you’re really sorry etc etc and maybe do something nice for her.

when I was 7 my mum said she wish I’d have died rather than someone else and I have never forgotten (I was being a little shit at the time and she was grieving, but still!). If she’d have made a big deal about apologising maybe it wouldn’t have had such a negative impact on our relationship / my self esteem. Thank god for therapy!

I honest don’t know what you can do or say to undo this. She will never forget it. She might forgive you but in that one lapse of judgement‘ because life is stressful’ you will have done irreparable damage. Poor, poor girl. I hope she has good friends and kind teachers.

Has she ever said anything hurtful to you?

When I was a teen and intensely frustrated, my favourite weapon to hurl at my mother was, 'I hate you!' I obviously didn't mean it. There was something about the situation that I hated and I didn't know how to express it, so I took it out on my mum, as I knew she loved me unconditionally and would forgive me each time.

If she's ever said anything similar, I would use this as an example of how sometimes when we're upset, we lash out at the ones we love and trust the most, and we deliberately say things designed for maximum damage, even though they are so far from the truth. It's not right, but you're a human, you were having a hard time with the divorce, and you lashed out at her because she was there, not because you actually meant those words. You regret hurting her and you will find a better coping strategy going forwards for when you're upset because you don't want to be the sort of mother who says those sort of things and she definitely doesn't deserve it, because she is the most amazing young woman.

I would also stress how she wasn't responsible for you saying horrible things and you are owning your behaviour.

If you explain and apologise and don't do it again, your daughter may well understand that you didn't mean it. I think some of the previous posters are being unfair - you're just a person in a lot of pain and that means you might not always act the way you really mean to be or want to be.

My mother has forgiven me for shit I've said over the years and vice versa. We're very, very close. I don't think a one-off bad comment will destroy your relationship if she is secure in your love for her and knows the words were not reflective of the truth. Have that conversation.

Did your mum apologise?

I am sure it won't be forgotten but with a genuine apology it could be forgiven.

I would talk to her, explain how stressed you are and at least part of why (she's not a baby) and apologise wholeheartedly of course.

I told my brood I was going to see if the orphanage could take them... We say bad things sometimes under stress. I adore and worship every one of them and they know it. I know I drive them potty too sometimes. The important thing is making it clear as soon as possible that it was just a spur of the moment lashing out for which you are extremely sorry and that you do, of course, love your child and always will. She may not accept the apology straight away; if she doesn't, don't push it. Hopefully she will come to you in a little while and you can make up. Hugs are the best medicine when you're hurting.

I feel this is too dramatic, errors can be repaired with genuine apologies.

If life were normal for her, then I think a heartfelt apology and re-assurance you didn't mean it would be enough. But her dad has just abandoned her in the worst way possible, and avoiding her while still seeing her brother. So it's going to cut her much deeper than normal. This is a formative time for her because it's so traumatic and she's so young.

Do you wish you'd never had her? Do you blame her for your DH leaving? Because it's a very extreme comment to make even under stress. I don't think there's smoke without fire, unless you just really wanted to hurt her? I personally think she has started checking out of home already, given you said she doesn't discuss her home life with friends (can you blame her?). So you've got a limited period to fix things with her or you'll likely not see her again as soon as she finishes college and moves out. Take her out for a meal and have a proper conversation and apology with her.

I'm very, very sorry. My mother is a narcissistic bully (I'm a 44yo) but even she didn't manage this. May I ask, why have you been a dutiful daughter?? I effed off to another country, married and wouldn't dream of "caretaking".