I told DD I wish I had never had her

[user9009887]

I feel terrible obviously I never meant it but life is just stressful at the moment.

In August my husband and father of my two children DS 20 and DD 16 left. He had been having an affair for 5 years and when I found out he went to live with the other woman.

He has no contact with DD but does see DS occasionally as they both work near each other.

DD doesn't talk about her Dad she started college in September and has made new friends and doesn't speak about her home life to them. She doesn't see any old school friends anymore I don't know if that is just a part of growing up or if it is to avoid talking about her Dad.

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce and was going over bits this afternoon and I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her.

Her Dad has abandoned her and now I have said this to her I can't imagine what is going on in her head right now.

I don’t think ‘I wish I never had kids’ is the same as ‘I wish I never had YOU’.

Hell i wish I hadn’t had kids sometimes! Everything is so difficult! I would just apologise and I’m sure she’ll understand what you meant when she has kids of her own. You’re not a horrible mum. Life is overwhelming and kids are tough.

user9009887 · Today 18:55

*Raincloudsonasunnyday · Today 18:24

If you explained the context, perhaps posters could help you through this.

Did you say and mean DD specifically? Or a generic “kids ruin your life, they’re so stressful, wish I’d never had them”? What was the conversation about when you said this?

Did you mean her, or her and her brother?

You’ll know all the things, including about seeing her life from her perspective. I think getting over this could be a matter of months and years, not days and weeks. What you do immediately will matter. Don’t let her stew with the idea that you wish she didn’t exist/hadn’t been born*.

I said it in the context - sometimes I wish i had never had kids. I didn't mean it for one moment but just that divorce would be much easier without them.

She is desperate for driving lessons when she turns 17 and we bought them for DS and a car for his 17th and she knows that it isn't going to happen for her.
Her dad hasn't been around for her the past 4 years, never came to any of her parents evenings or helped with homework like he did with DS.

Before Christmas there were plans for them (DD and DS) to meet up with their dad but DS couldn't make it as he had plans with his girlfriend and husband said there was no point in meeting that weekend then, so she already feels unwanted by her dad and now I have gone and said this.

I've just C&P the whole of OP's second post and read and re-read it multiple times. You didn't ask her if she wished it, you asked her the context. To which she replied as above.

And yes I read the rest of it, but that's context for us as the reader and not (I assume) what she said to her child? And what she said is the subject of this post, not anything else.

I don't really know why you quoted me?

Well I think this doesn't actually sound as bad. If I'm reading this right, you said it because you are frustrated by how hard the divorce is and because you feel bad about the impact it is having on the children, and you're hurting on their behalf, and you wish you weren't hurting them, and if you hadn't had them then the divorce wouldn't be able to hurt them.

That is very, very different from saying you wish you'd never had your daughter specifically / that you'd rather she wasn't in your life.

I think as a PP suggested, you need to apologise wholeheartedly and sit down with your daughter to unpack what you actually meant by it, as it's possible she took it in a way that was different to how you intended. Tell her about how you desperately want her to have driving lessons too, how frustrated you are that because of the divorce she isn't getting the same advantages as her brother, and how you wanting the best for her and knowing you can't give that and feeling bad about it, led you to blurt out that you wishd you'd never had kids. And then tell her that you are very, very, very glad that you do have her, and that you love her to the ends of the earth. Tell her that you'll put a plan together / start saving for her to have driving lessons as soon as you can afford it (if that is realistic) and that that might mean her having to wait a couple of years longer than her brother, but you know how important it is to her. Honestly, I think with a good chat this will all be fine.

This, sadly.

I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her.

She very clearly said it about just DD. Not kids. Not her son

@OodlesPoodle read the update?

The context isn't what she said. The context is what she meant by it.

I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her.

What you said wasn’t great, but you know that. Both you and your daughter have been through a really tough time. Don’t beat yourself up too much.

Could you have a heart to heart with her? Explain that sometimes we say things out of frustration that are the furthest thing from the truth. That you were feeling stressed from the divorce and your frustration got the better of you for a moment. Remind her that you’re human and sorry, and reiterate how much you love her

Why did you say that to her ?

I think that's excessive.

I'm sure I've lashed out in anger, said something I shouldn't have, and vice versa. Nobody is traumatised, because everyone knows how much they are loved, because they are shown that every single day.

Give her a massive cuddle, remind her that she and your DS are the most important people in your life, and tell her that you will get through all this together.

I think your DD will be massively more affected by how her shite father has treated her than anything you've said.

I did.

I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her. - this is what she said as per her OP.

I said it in the context - sometimes I wish i had never had kids. - this isn't context. Context would be the situation that caused her to say it to her DD.

Only one of these statements is true. Given the OP says the first statement is what she said, that's what I'll believe.

I tend to agree but not in this case because of the way OP has worded it. I don't think it's possible to say "I wish I never had you" and mean something different. So I made an assumption <shrug>

Being a parent is a tough tough job. I have a toddler and he pushed my buttons and I get stressed, angry, frustrated, emotional but I would never say such a thing. My own mother would constantly tell me as a child into my teens that I was a mistake and she wish I didn't exist etc and it has shaped who I am as a person. And not in a good way. Endless issues. You must profusely apologize to your DD. And Let her know you said it out of anger, you also need to make sure it doesn't happen again. It's actually abuse.

I think she needs counselling re her father’s abandonment of her op

@OodlesPoodle that’s not my understanding of it. She said ‘I wish I never had kids’ to her DD which could’ve been interpreted by her as ‘I wish I never had you’. Open to interpretation I guess.

So correct it now. Talk to her, maybe get some counselling for yourself and or suggest joint counselling. My mother said this to me age 8, I’m 41 and you never recover. I’ve had years of heartache because of this. Or you risk losing your daughter and getting your wish

Of course it's fixable!!

I don't know why so many people seem to think it's in any way 'helpful' to try to make a person feel even worse than they already do!!

Another poster who’s mum said those words to her (in a voicemail I have saved) there is no taking them back unfortunately.

Maybe. But I'd be curious if she's ever said that to her son. Or it's just DD's bad luck she's been mistreated by her dad for many years (while her mum did nothing, clearly) and now used as a punching bag for her mum's frustration.

But yes, an apology will now make up for all those years of neglect.

Firstly, I’m a man. I was thinking the other day about my daughter, who is my only child. Her mum and me are not together and my daughter lived with me for most of her childhood years. A friend was speaking the other day about how he bonded with his sons through sport etc and do I feel I missed out on that. I don’t feel like that at all. Having a daughter made me a more complete person. She loved a lot of the stereotypical ‘girly’ things - we saw the Greatest Showman 11 times - but we bonded over so much other stuff like horror films and loving animals. I think having a boy would not be half as much fun.

Did you post this on the wrong thread?

Same. My dad said the same thing to me when I was 18 years old and I’ve never forgotten it and probably never will. Try to focus on repairing this.

It's bad. But you said it in a moment of stress. It's only words. You must demonstrate to your DD you didn't mean it. Forget those sanctimonious folk who are saying you can't step back from this. You can.

Did posting that make you feel better dear?!!

It's not always fixable, and lying to try and underplay the severity of it isn't going to do op any favours.

I did actually give the op some advice so not sure why you're saying I wasn't helpful.