I told DD I wish I had never had her

[user9009887]

I feel terrible obviously I never meant it but life is just stressful at the moment.

In August my husband and father of my two children DS 20 and DD 16 left. He had been having an affair for 5 years and when I found out he went to live with the other woman.

He has no contact with DD but does see DS occasionally as they both work near each other.

DD doesn't talk about her Dad she started college in September and has made new friends and doesn't speak about her home life to them. She doesn't see any old school friends anymore I don't know if that is just a part of growing up or if it is to avoid talking about her Dad.

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce and was going over bits this afternoon and I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her.

Her Dad has abandoned her and now I have said this to her I can't imagine what is going on in her head right now.

You had a great relationship in the end, which is the best outcome, but even you haven’t forgotten words to this effect.

Sadly my mother said the same to me, and the impact never left me. She made no effort to retract it or apologise, though - I’d really, really grovel and explain that you truly didn’t mean it.

What is the bloody point of a reply like this?

People do the wrong thing at times. So what is the OP to do now she has done the wrong thing?

Just saying someone shouldn't have done the thing they have already done is specatacularly pointless.

‘I think you know that I love you with all of my heart, and I didn’t mean a word of it, and you are my whole world dd. I should never have said what I did, and I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me.’

No excuses.

You are under pressure, but your dd has just discovered her own Dad couldn’t care less about her - she will be crushed. Honestly broken as it is by her father.

Love bomb her for a few months, doing lots of lovely things together, making her feel special. Insure her on your car. Build her back up and don’t stop. You can reverse this and use it as a springboard to become closer.

Ask her how she feels and really listen.

I'm not sure that you can come back from this.
Feeling stressed really isn't an excuse.
Sorry. I hope you can make up, though I doubt it, for a long while.

My mum said and I quote ' I should have had you aborted like your grandma told me' 50 years later I'm extremely low contact and have been since I put myself into care at 15.

@user9009887 was it a form of self-flagellation to say you'd told your daughter you wish you'd never had her when you actually said it would have been easier to have not had kids in respect of your divorce?

How many pages of people berating you did you want because hardly anyone (it would seem) can be arsed reading your second post?

Or was this just some sort of attention seeking mission?

You need to go back in and apologise and say adult to adult it was a stupid hurtful thing you blurted out under stress and you don't mean it for one minute . Say she deserves better and you appreciate she may want some time but you wanted to put things straight asap. People are human and sometimes we just open our mouths when we shouldn't have.

Relationships with teens can be rocky at the best of times but if you are basically a loving mum going through a bad patch, she will know you didn't mean. As opposed to sone kind of manipulative person constantly flipping between abuse and nicey nicey, which I'm sure you aren't.

Firstly i'd write her a letter - explaining how you have been feeling and that you never meant this at all.

Secondly I'd try and plan a day for just the two of you - full of her favourite things for you to show her how sorry you are.

Can you have some therapy sessions with her to address issues this has caused? It will haunt her, particularly given the issues with her father, and every effort needs to be made to resolve this as much as possible.

Me and my mum used to have blazing rows and she would say things like this. I knew and know she loves me. She was an amazing mum, just had a short fuse! Your DD is old enough to know that people snap and say awful things when they’re angry. My mum never apologised so you’re already one step ahead of her 🤣 I hate when the ‘omg you’ve scarred her for life’ crew pile on, you’re human ❤️ xx

when you actually said it would have been easier to have not had kids in respect of your divorce?

That's not what she said. Her response was to me asking her if she really wished that. Did you also read the part in the second post where the father had been neglecting DD and favouring the brother for many years, and the OP didn't seem to think that was divorce worthy....

I think op is already on the edge telling her she will never be forgiven may not be true and is turning the knife. She knows already how awful it is, she already feels terrible.

@user9009887

TBH, I think my Mum said similar when I was little : something about cursing the day/wish I/she had never been born/she’s going to look at boarding schools etc etc.

No it hasn’t effected me badly and I haven’t needed years of therapy : because the other 99.5% of the time she did everything she possibly could for me. And that’s what counts/what I remember.

My mum told me she'd never really known what love was til she'd got a dog. I was 21 and pregnant. The dog in question was about a year old.

I kind of understand now tbh as she had an awful childhood, my dad's not great and the dogs love was unconditional. I love her very much one careless thought better not spoken won't change that.

My mum used to say this to me all the time. I knew she didn't mean it, and even if she sort of did, I knew she still loved me. She also used to beat me, give me the silent treatment for days etc. But I still knew she loved me.
She had her own issues, it wasn't all about me.

I am sure you will be feeling terrible. Be kind to yourself - we all say things we don’t mean in times of stress.

Your DD will know that you didn’t mean it. A big hug and some loving words will turn things around.

Did your mum also make you grow up in a home where your dad ignored you for years and only spent time with your sibling? And then when that same dad left your mum and stopped seeing you (while still seeing your brother), she told you she wished she hadn't had you. Something she probably never told your brother from the sounds of it.

I imagine you'd have some pretty serious self esteem and abandonment issues that an apology wouldn't come close to fixing.

I think people are forgetting the context of what this girl's home life has been. It's not one comment. It's a lifetime of being treated as less than her brother.

My DF said this to me once - and he totally meant it and probably still feels that way, which actually as an adult I totally get - and I have lived to tell the tale! We have a good relationship. Just to reassure you.

I wouldn’t catastrophise this too much. Try to turn it round into an opportunity to bring you closer.

Sit down, tell her how you’re feeling, show your heartfelt remorse. Follow it up with a fulsome letter next week to show the apology is serious and not also in the heat of the moment. Write her a letter she can treasure for the rest of her life.

She’s a teenage girl, she likely knows what it is to say things you don’t mean in the heat of the moment.

You got this. Single mothers are put under unbearable pressure, and people find it easy to stand and watch and criticise. You not superhuman, and you’re not Jesus. I hope everyone else has enjoyed clutching their pearls.

Get off mumsnet and apologise to her

My mother once said that to me. I have never forgotten. We don't talk now- for other reasons - but that didn't help our relationship!

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time, OP.

I asked my DD(15) about this. She said it entirely depends on your relationship prior to the argument. If I said it she'd know I didn't mean it, and while she might never forget it she wouldn't brood on it (obvs once I'd explained and apologised etc). But she mentioned a friend who has a difficult relationship with her mother - if her Mum said something like that the friend would never get over it and she thinks it would severely impact her already fragile mental health.

Given your DD is certainly feeling upset by her Dad's behaviour, she is probably sensitive. But at least you said 'kids' and not her specifically. Be kind to yourself. Talk to your DD and try to navigate this together. Good luck....

So are you going to bother saying wether or not you’ve said sorry? How she reacted? What you plan to do next? Can’t see why you’ve bothered posting really.

Not sure whether to feel comforted or not that there were other mother’s as heartless as mine - mine told me that if they ever legalised retrospective abortion she’d be at the front of the queue. I was 14 at the time. Can never quite understand how mothers, however close to the end of their tethers they may be, can be so thoughtless and cruel [and I say that as a mum who has def been at the end of hers a few times over the years]. I also went no contact in the end when I got engaged and she kicked off before my wedding.

Am really hoping the OP will lavish attention upon and reassure her DD that she was in a vile mood and said something unforgivable - but that she loves her with every atom of her being and will do everything she can to prove that.