I told DD I wish I had never had her

[user9009887]

I feel terrible obviously I never meant it but life is just stressful at the moment.

In August my husband and father of my two children DS 20 and DD 16 left. He had been having an affair for 5 years and when I found out he went to live with the other woman.

He has no contact with DD but does see DS occasionally as they both work near each other.

DD doesn't talk about her Dad she started college in September and has made new friends and doesn't speak about her home life to them. She doesn't see any old school friends anymore I don't know if that is just a part of growing up or if it is to avoid talking about her Dad.

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce and was going over bits this afternoon and I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her.

Her Dad has abandoned her and now I have said this to her I can't imagine what is going on in her head right now.

To be honest, my own mum questions why she had kids about twice a week. When my dad died my sister took her to a coffee morning for the recently bereaved and somehow a comment was made that it was awful to lose a spouse, but must be so much worse for those who had lost a child. My mum actually argued in front of her own daughter that she would have been happier if one of her children had died instead because then she would have still had my dad to make her feel better. The woman has zero filters.

But okay, back to OP.

I honestly don't think that "sometimes I wish I had never had kids" is the worst thing in the world. When I started reading this thread I thought you had told your DD you wished she had never been born, which is a different kettle of nasty.

As others have said, you need to apologise right now, but an apology doesn't go far enough. That could just make it sound like you're sorry you've been found out, which isn't the point.

You need to be absolutely clear that you are not simply sorry that you said it. You are sorry because you didn't even mean it, and she is your world. Tell her that having her and her brother are the most important things in your life, and you were being stupid and felt under stress and you said something nasty that you didn't mean and don't think. Tell her that you couldn't believe the words came out of your mouth.

And then spend loads of time with her and spoil her rotten. She'll bounce back.

And never say it again.

That's awful and I'm so sorry you had that experience. But I think this situation is very different, it was an albeit terrible thing said in exasperation/stress, it wasn't a serious conversation that was overheard.

You didn't say if you've already apologised to her OP?

I sincerely hope you have, but while she'll never forget this, much will depend on what your relationship's usually like. If it's genuinely loving and supportive you may well be able to get over this ... and if not, god help you

I'm very sorry to hear @MuckyEyebrows ...I went through similar and it hurts...

I honestly don't think that "sometimes I wish I had never had kids" is the worst thing in the world. When I started reading this thread I thought you had told your DD you wished she had never been born, which is a different kettle of nasty.

Yes, it's funny that. Almost as though the OP was deliberately misleading.

I agree and think this is an important distinction. I certainly have times when I regret having children but I don't regret MY children (or at least hardly ever!). I think there might be some scenario in which I might verbalise the former (though 99% sure I wouldn't) but Id like to think I'd never verbalise the latter.

sometimes I wish i had never had kids. I didn't mean it for one moment but just that divorce would be much easier without them

Ah, well this is very different from "I wish you'd never been born". Easier to recover from what you said.

Firstly, do you think your DD knows that you love her, and really don't regret you had her? If you're confident of this, then you can proceed with a "sorry I lost my temper and said awful things, you don't need me to tell you that you and your brother are the best things that have ever happened to me. I just hate doing all this divorce stuff, it's fucking AWFUL".

If your DD is feeling especially fragile after her father's appalling rejection at Christmas, then I think you should go in much heavier. She's 16, she will have an inkling of adult emotions and stresses. The truth is, your comment was actually about the divorce, not about her or her brother. You said the divorce would be be easier if there were no children to contend with (true), not that your life would be easier. You could, depending on your DD's personality, explain that you were talking to her at the time as though she were your peer or a friend, rather than a daughter who needs her mother and at least one present parent - and that you regret doing this, it wasn't fair to her.

You should also make it clear to her that the stresses you're going through are 100% down to her father's unfaithfulness, what it's done to you as a person (not a wife or mother - a person), and how angry and resentful you feel towards it. How you hate what he's doing to her, and how angry and bitter that makes you feel. None of these are excuses, they're explanations and you will work hard to make sure that she doesn't hear any more explanations from you, that you acknowledge she needs a parent in you and not a friend.

I think you could turn this around, potentially. You and your daughter have both been roundly rejected and dumped by your ex. There's community in that, but you have to be the grown-up. She's just a kid who desperately needs a mother and a parent in her life.

I'm so sorry your ex is such a dick. Men can be fucking awful sometimes.

What a fucking terrible update! Sorry OP but you (& to a lesser extent your ex husband & son) have let your daughter down for so many years in so many ways that I really don't think this is going to even touch the sides of that pain. She'll probably just carry on until she's over it or over you, So there's that at least!

I second this approach, although I would be cautious of explaining too many times if you don't think it's helping. However I do think it's important that she sees how much you love her and appreciate having her as much as possible. Telling her that however painful the situation is it's worth it for having her and her brother may be a good idea.

There is a really big difference in saying that you wished you hadn't had her and expressing that life/divorce would be simpler without kids.

Which was it?

Well you obviously need to apologise to her and let her know it’s you and your stress levels not your dd that’s the problem and that you didn’t mean it!
Spend some a quality time with her and show her how important she is to you.

I'd do this. The damage could be unrepairable unfortunately. Thus shot sticks with you.

Why would you say that, nevermind how messy the divorce is-surely your children are The things that made that mess of a marriage worth it?

You need to be really honest, tell her how stressed you are right now and we’re just lashing out, ensure she knows you did not mean it

My mum said this many times. She never said sorry and I have never forgotten. Make sure your dd knows you didn’t mean it and accept that she might bring it up from time to time. It’s the price for saying a hurtful thing albeit it anger, it doesn’t detract I don’t think.

That’s something that your daughter will probably not be able to forget, unfortunately.

She is probably extremely hurt and the wounds will go deep.

You don’t mention your daughter doing anything terrible to trigger you saying this - where did this come from?

I wouldn't of posted this on here op, it's full of the perfect parent brigade or the pretend perfect parent brigade (cause who knows what they are like behind the screen). Far too many people on here now trying to stick the boot in.

My mum slapped me and said the same to me when I was 16, 23 years later and I'm totally fine and we had a great relationship and I didn't dwell on it and knew we are all human.

Just go speak to her and apologise profusely tell her you're immensly sorry and didnt mean it and wrongly took your stress out on her and love her. Then maybe book something nice to do together. I've not read any replies but if you aren't, maybe you should consider counselling, you've been through a really difficult time.

Unfortunately she'll always remember this.

I feel sorry for both of you 😔

well she wouldn’t be the first to have ever been told this, but it is still
unfortunate that you couldn’t control your desire to be mean in that moment.

My mum said this to me when I was 14 and I remember it vividly. She said she doesn't remember but I do.

Sorry just read your update. Your poor daughter. It sounds like she will be rightfully feeling unloved, unwanted, and unfairly treated compared to her brother.

There is a chance she will not want anything to do with any of you in the future.

OP how do you actually feel about her?

Bloody hell op, I think you are getting a hard reaction from pp, your dd knows you love her, you are still there for her, don’t beat yourself up.

You’re fire fighting on two fronts — her father has rejected her ( DS couldn’t make the meet up so it wasn’t worth meeting DD ? Wtf) and now you’ve said this.
Im sure you’ve apologised to her, explained it was stress talking. I hope it’s repairable.

Sorry OP but she will never, ever forget that. I cannot believe you said that to her, how incredibly self-centred and appalling of you. No matter how bad things are, and even if its true, you should never ever say something like to a child of yours.

OP no one is perfect. Adults fuck things up sometimes. It was in the heat of the moment, not a cool headed reasoning over coffee. I'm in no ways perfect and have fucked up. Its who you are in 90% of your moments your dd will judge you on. It's OK for kids to see parents as having mistakes.

My mum beat the crap out of me 90% of the time. That's who she was. I still loved her. She told me cold she regretted having us.

As long as your not 90% bad she will be OK. Apologies. Mean it. Explain it, don't justify it. Be humble