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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I told DD I wish I had never had her

272 replies

user9009887 · 25/01/2024 17:41

I feel terrible obviously I never meant it but life is just stressful at the moment.

In August my husband and father of my two children DS 20 and DD 16 left. He had been having an affair for 5 years and when I found out he went to live with the other woman.

He has no contact with DD but does see DS occasionally as they both work near each other.

DD doesn't talk about her Dad she started college in September and has made new friends and doesn't speak about her home life to them. She doesn't see any old school friends anymore I don't know if that is just a part of growing up or if it is to avoid talking about her Dad.

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce and was going over bits this afternoon and I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her.

Her Dad has abandoned her and now I have said this to her I can't imagine what is going on in her head right now.

OP posts:
HalloumiGeller · 26/01/2024 08:01

Omg I'm sorry, that's awful 😑. I can't fathom why you would say that? Don't get me wrong, my kids annoy me like all kids do, but a comment like that is WAY beyond the line!

BardRelic · 26/01/2024 08:34

scoobysnaxx · 25/01/2024 23:13

Reading this thread I am so so sorry to everyone who has experienced a parent saying something along these lines to them. It's horrifying.

My first baby is only 4 months old. I would give me life in a second for her. I know there are some people who do regret having children and they may have their reasons (lord knows kids can test us and put us through it) but to say it to their child regardless of age, is just so terrible. I could never in a million years say that to her.

I hope your daughter can find it in her heart to forgive you OP. She has been let down by you and her dad.

She won't forget what you've said but you can spend a lifetime trying to get her to see you don't mean it.

Pretty sure my mum, despite regretting my existence at times, would have laid down her life for me. She just isn't perfect and couldn't deal with me as a teenager, or what her life was like at the time. So don't be so sure, when your child is a few months old, about what might follow.

Had my mum tackled her issues and apologised to me, we would have a better relationship now. As it is, it's complicated but we do love each other. Which is why I think the OP can repair this and who knows, maybe even come out of it with a stronger relationship with her daughter if she opens up to her. You need to look at the relationship as a whole, and the person as a whole. A few moments of anger and lashing out makes someone flawed. It doesn't follow that they're somehow a dreadful and uncaring parent - that depends on how else they act the rest of the time.

scoobysnaxx · 26/01/2024 09:56

@LightSwerve@BardRelic

Incorrect I do actually.

I have raised 2 soon to be 17 year old daughters since they were 3 years old.

Yes I raised them alongside their father. I regard them as mine and I always have.

Their mother abandoned them on the doorstep at the age of 1 after spending a year in hospital after being born at 24 weeks and less then a pound each. They don't know anything about her. They never have.

They are my children and yes I've been through lots with them over the years, especially the teenage ones.

So yes, I do know what I'm taking about.

Shortbread49 · 26/01/2024 10:21

As long as you acknowledge and apologise and ensure she know s she is loved. Mine never apologised that was the worst part worse than the words like she knew but she really didn’t care enough to resolve it. Then she didn’t speak to me for 2 days as if it was me who had done wrong and my dad just sat there and her her like it was normal. Or relationship never recovered and 40 years later the total of nice comments to me is 2!

scotvic · 26/01/2024 17:37

I think you need to act fast, don't let this fester - get emotional, beg her understanding, and keep on reassuring your DD that you didn't mean it and that you love her and value her.Maybe she is old enough to understand if you share some of the information about the divorce so she gets insight into your stress. I don't think you really owe her father anything, and she seems to have already sussed out he's behaved badly and abandoned her, so put your energies into repairing your relationship with her even if it means throwing him to the wolves a bit?

Moonshild · 26/01/2024 17:40

Having had this said to me as a child - the best you can do is explain that you are struggling with the stress of divorce and didn’t mean it BUT don’t expect it her to forgive and forget - it will take time and you being genuine with her.
Good Luck

user1471538283 · 26/01/2024 17:49

My DM said this to me when I was quite small and she meant it. She meant it every day in her actions and her words.

It doesn't sound like you did but your DD will be devastated. You need to apologise and work on your relationship with her.

Mumof3confused · 26/01/2024 17:59

I think as mums we have to cut ourselves some slack. And I say this as a divorcee dealing with abusive ex. But what you said to your daughter was completely unforgivable. You’re going to have to work hard at repairing this. An apology is worth very little. She will take years to get over that comment, and she won’t forget what you said. You also need to get yourself some support so that you learn to control what comes out of your mouth in the future.

Thefsm · 26/01/2024 18:15

When I found out that my mum aborted a baby before me that would have been my only full sibling, I was told it by my step mother at lunch in a Greek taverna on vacation. She said it purely to hurt me.

when I got home I asked my mum about it and she got really defensive like I was accusing her of something rather than simply asking if it was true. She snapped yes, and I aborted one after you were born too! In fact, I tried to abort you! The only reason I didn’t was that I went in to the clinic and the receptionist looked at me with a sneer on her face and said “you’re back awfully soon!” So 8 snapped “fine! I’ll just keep it then!” And stormed out.”
(worth pointing out we discovered hormonal birth control doesn’t work for either of us after I had my mirena baby after a combi pill baby and a failed morning after pill - so she wasn’t just being careless getting pregnant so often)

hearing that was crazy. How close I came to never existing. It coloured my view on abortions for sure - I’m pro choice but never thought I would ever have one myself. It hurt me permanently to know that I could have had a little sister or brother who had to travel with me when I spent those miserable weekends at my bio dads
house.

what I’m saying is, she will remember it forever. Every word. But how you react next will colour it. Be open, explain how totally crappy things are lately for you and how you were just overwhelmed with it all and snapped. That you never meant it and that she has been one of the best parts of your life.

Mrsgreen100 · 26/01/2024 18:15

It sounds like you are you wits end, I would apologise, and explain that it’s not what you meant, maybe just that you wish someone else had been her father .
work hard to repair your relationship with her.
must be hard on her that her sibling sees the father and she doesn’t
if it’s at all possible you both need some therapy.
be her person in the world , it’s a really though time for an adolescent to have their family fall apart, the same happened to me even though the men did the cheating and lies kids tend to have huge anger with both parents
not fair but it’s just the way it is
my DD went completely off the rails in similar situation it’s been two years of hell but it’s slowly improving
good luck stay strong and just keep on loving her .

pcl09 · 26/01/2024 18:29

A slightly different perspective than many I’m afraid but hopefully helpful to you OP.

I was told this… repeatedly. Along with other variations including “I don’t know why we bother keeping you around”… and frankly, you grow up and move on. It stung but it’s not the end of the world and there comes a point in life when you realise your folks are imperfect and flawed the same as anyone else. So has it dented her? Yes probably. Can she move on from it? Yes. I have not forgotten but I have forgiven and accepted these things were said in the heat of the moment. I’m now caring for both of my parents who both have cancer. I’ll bet they now know why they kept me around!!!!

Be gentle with yourself and be gentle with her. She’s bruised but this too shall pass. One day that comment will be a distant memory and will be overshadowed by a bunch of more positive experiences she’s had with you once you all move past this point in your lives.

HeidInTheBaw · 26/01/2024 18:37

Ah, you’re going through hell and you lost it for a moment. It’s not good but you don’t mean it and you apologised. I’ve done exactly the same, not proud of it but it happened and I owned it. Maybe have a girly evening with her and let her talk or not as she wants to. You’re human as well as being a Mum and I wish you and your kids much love and happiness for the future.

Victoriaspongecake1 · 26/01/2024 18:56

My mum said something similar to me at Xmas when I was maybe 18/19. She said she liked my brother more than me. She said it in front of my aunt who was shocked and said that’s a terrible thing to say. I was hurt and embarrassed. My brother is a dead beat, sponges off my mum, steals from her and causes her all sorts of problems. I’ve never ever forgotten what she said & she’s never apologised either. She probably doesn’t remember she said it and if she did, she would make excuses. However now as a mum I could never do that to my DC, words hurt and sometimes can never be forgotten

Samamfia · 26/01/2024 19:07

My mother said this to me as a child and teen, repeatedly. It affected my confidence then and still does now, twenty years later. However… she has never apologised for it and certainly wouldn’t have thought about asking others for advice. I think, from the fact that you’re reflecting on it, that you’re a different sort of person to her. You need to apologise to your daughter and show her you mean it. The bond is strong and you can move past this - just don’t make it something you ever do again, she won’t trust your apology a second time.

MojoDaysxx · 26/01/2024 19:19

My mother said this twice to me, as a young child.
Once said, never forgotton. I will never forget the shock.
Without a doubt, never do it again.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 26/01/2024 19:27

what exactly did you say?

was it: “I wish I had never had you” as per your op?

or: “sometimes I wish I had never had kids”?

the second isn’t great either. But the first would be considerably worse!!

forgotmyusername1 · 26/01/2024 19:36

My mum once said that to me. It was 1993 and I was 10 years old.

OldPerson · 26/01/2024 19:51

Oh dear. I know old people who have had a parent who has said that to them - and they are still bitter and angry and hurt over half a century later. It is the absolute worst thing a parent can ever say to a child. Every time your child is angry with you - they will either remember those words or throw them back in your face. You have to persuade your child that you did not mean those words - convincingly. Good luck with that.

Frazzledmummy123 · 26/01/2024 19:53

OodlesPoodle · 25/01/2024 19:03

Wow, I now hope this isn't a genuine post because this context about her dad changes everything. She IS unwanted, and has been since before her dad left. That's the only thing you should be caring about frankly, so there is no cause for what you said. You took the thing that makes her most vulnerable as a child and used it against her.

Also the fact you stayed with her dad knowing how he treated her?? You're complicit in her feelings of abandonment, so I really don't see any way of her moving past this. It's not just one comment, it's a lifetime of feeling this way that you have now confirmed.

Show quote history

This ^

Op, admitting your DS gets better treatment and trying to make excuses for what you said is just as bad as what you said. Do everything you can to make her feel wanted and apologise profusely jf you want any type of relationship with your daughter.

RiseAgainMum · 26/01/2024 20:20

Gosh OP, you must feel dreadful and my heart goes out to both of you. it’s a double whammy for your daughter. First her father leaves and she might think it’s her fault, and you’ve said something in the heat of your own trauma.

please seek professional help for both of you as soon as. I practise EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique (aka tapping on Meridian points) and that’s helped me immensely and will help ease some of the grief and shock you might be experiencing now.

if you do choose EFT please go through EFTIntl and choose an advanced level 3 practitioner. https://eftinternational.org/ Most practise on zoom.

Big, big hugs to you both

Accredited EFT Tapping Training with EFT International

Find EFT Accredited Certified EFT Tapping Training, Practitioners, a Free EFT Tapping manual, EFT Practitioner directory and more

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TookTheBook · 26/01/2024 20:23

One of the most watched TED Talks last year on YouTube was Dr Becky about repairing when you've fucked up like this towards your kid. It's a 15 minute video and could really help you here, OP.

LalaPaloosa · 26/01/2024 20:57

Hoardasurass · 25/01/2024 17:45

Sorry op but as someone who's mum said similar to me in a similar situation I can honestly tell you that she will never forget what you've said, all you can do is try to repair the damage you've done asap

Exactly this. I’ve never forgotten my mother saying this to me. Her excuse of “going through a lot” at the time were pathetic to me then, and more so now I’m a mother myself. You have a huge amount of work to do to. It will never be forgotten.

Missingmyusername · 26/01/2024 21:00

I would be apologising and explaining that you didn’t mean it literally and you are just worried about how YOU will manage to give her everything she deserves and it makes you sad that this has happened but that you will do your very best and you love her very much.
Never say it again!

user1485851222 · 26/01/2024 21:36

Hold her in your arms, tell her you were sorry that you were having a bad day and didn't mean it. Explain you are having a tough time at the moment. Apologise and say you love her. Things will get better.

Blueink · 26/01/2024 22:21

It’s obviously not great but don’t consider this has to be a defining moment. She’s 16 so old enough to have a sensible conversation where you take responsibility for what you said.

Accordingly to your update, this wasn’t directed at her personally, it seemed like you said “wish I never had you” from your OP not “children”, not to minimise, but potentially less emotionally triggering.

It can be helpful to role model apologising and taking responsibility, but agree with PP who said that includes going to counselling and finding other ways to manage your stress, an apology will ring hollow if you don’t take preventative steps.