To ask how parents manage after school activities when both work full time?

[Blacknailer]

Loads of brilliant after school activities near us, from the essential (swimming lessons) to fun extras (theatre, coding).

But, myself and my husband both work full time and currently our primary aged kids are in the mediocre after school club until 5.30pm.

How do similar families manage to get their kids to activities? Is the only answer an after school nanny? It's going to be very expensive for someone to pick them up from school, walk with them 10 min to an activity, wait around and then walk home with them again. Or is there another solution?

I'm seeing most of their friends doing all this great stuff because they have a parent working part time, and I'm feeling bad they are missing out.

Both DH and I work FT so 2DC go to ASC Monday - Friday. I work 8am-4pm 2 days a week to take eldest to acrobatics classes and kayaking sessions (March-October) after ASC. Eldest also goes to theatre club Sunday mornings. Fortunately eldest's piano lessons and choirs practice as well as youngest's drum lessons are at school but as the youngest gets older they may want to do more activities and it'll probably be down to me to do more 8-4 shifts to accommodate, as DH's working hours aren't as flexible. It is expensive but whilst we have the disposable income, we comfortable with the kids doing the extra activities.

I’ve always said it’s more important to be part time when the kids are in juniors than when they are little because of the running around that’s needed. I’m lucky in that I have fairly flexible hours but have had to change my hours many times over the years to facilitate clubs on different evenings. I dropped from 4 normal days, to 2 normal days and 2 school hour days when my children were 7 and 4 for this very reason but if you are in a job with set hours I would suggest looking slightly further afield for clubs with more suitable times, for example my daughter attends drama, the closest class is on a weeknight, but we found one 10 minute drive away on Saturday morning…hence I’m up 7am replying to Mumsnet! 😂

It's just not possible unless you have lots of flexibility work wise or have grandparents do the running around
can you buddy up with another parent and you take their kids to karate and they take yours to theatre ?
I think it's the reason many parents end up with one working part time even now
it's a shame your after school care is mediocre we hardly use it but ours seems fine they do crafts, a snack, an active game together like musical statues then at the start of usual pick up (they have 3 collection slots) free play/a film on a big screen until parents collect. There is a benefit to it being mix ages too

I’m a stay at home mum. I find my kids are shattered for after school clubs. They want to have friends over, play video games, do arts and crafts and board games with my husband and I. My 9 year old does football and 7 year old does dance at school. Their swimming lessons are blocks over the holidays. It’s hard to feel like your kids are missing out but do not worry! They most likely would enjoy their time with you after work as much as a club. Like some others have said - when they’re older it all is easier.

@Blacknailer

as a sole parent working full time I really struggled with this (and the related issue of inadequate/unreliable wrap around care). I hated seeing my DC miss out.
It is not for everyone I know (and I suspect I will get flamed here) but the solution for us ended up being flexi-boarding at a country prep. The cost is far less than a nanny, all the clubs and activities are included in the fees, and they don’t waste time travelling about/sitting in traffic (except for away matches). It’s very good too if a child just wants to try something out rather than paying up for a whole term or year. The school even has a scheme (included in fees) where you spend a term trying out different musical instruments for a couple of weeks each to see which one you like.

ALSO - and for working parents this is a huge plus - they virtually never bring homework home, it’s all done under supervision at school. I have found our relationship has benefited a lot from not spending every evening in arguments about doing homework when everyone is exhausted after a long day of school
and clubs.

At what age can they board from?

Lucky that my parents live local and help with the drop offs (we can usually get there to pick up). It does get easier as they get older as their training sessions get pushed later.

DS3 is 12yo and his football training is now 6-7:30pm and DS2 is 14yo and his training is 7-8:30pm. They do martial arts which is now 7-8pm, but as little’uns it was 4-5pm which was hard work to make happen. Plus once at Secondary they can join schools teams and train/take part straight from school or if your teams are local, get themselves to training (DS2 can walk to footie training if needed, and we swing by and pick up after).

DS1 at Uni …… that’s much easier! Lol!

DD1 is only 2yo and I can’t get weekend swimming lessons or anything for love nor money, so she will inevitably miss out until she’s a bit older!

I just rush. I get out of work at about 5.40 with a 30 minute drive home with a quick stop off to pick up the youngest who has had tea. The eldest two get their tea from the slow cooker. I get home at about 6.20 and set off back out after a quick change and put a uniform wash in for a 25 minute drive to football which starts at 7pm. I do this twice a week.
Dp doesn't leave work until 7pm so he gets the washing out, tidies up and takes the dog out whilst I'm out. We get back at about 8.30 and quick showers and bed for kids. I then get ready for work for the next day, sit down, have tea and a quick tv catch up and bed. We have matches on the weekends which can be up to a 90 minute drive. Tomorrow morning we will be setting off at 7.45 to get to a match for 9am and then it's the full day of football.
We have swimming on Saturday mornings.
I do a Tesco click and collect for a Friday evening on my way home from work as I just don't have the time to shop!
We just make it work even though we're tired and rushy!

Tbh we don't do them until the kids are old enough to get there/back, we have 1 car and our work schedules can be very changeable/unpredictable, and no wider family to lean on. It was the same for me when I was younger and I don't think it's been a massive problem, my DS is now at secondary and does loads of activities (and we do the running around as and when we can).

Clubs at school+ after school club after
An activity which starts at 5.15 but is 2 minutes from our house
Swimming at 6pm
Weekend activities
We somehow manage quite a lot despite both working full time. It's doable with the right timings, location and a bit of flexibility with work.

Ask a mum school friend to collect from school and take them and then you pick them both up after work and drop off home

I WFH 3 days a week, 7-4, 1 day in the office and 1 day off (90% hours over 4 days) and my husband is 6 days a week but almost entirely flexible, so can take a couple of hours after school and then work in the evening. I don’t know how anyone manages with full time, conventional hours!

My younger children do their clubs at weekend. Tutor has slots up to 7pm. In the juniors there are a lot more clubs that start at 6.30 onwards. Football is earliest 7.30pm here.

It’s amusing that there are people saying women shouldn’t work full time if they have children… but will be the same people I suspect who say wfh shouldn’t be allowed and no one should rely on handouts.

This thread alone shows wfh means that many parents actually can now be present. For me that means working more than I did previously as I don’t have to shoot off straight away. I can fit in school runs and football matches and make up any time (and usually then some) in the evening or on other days.

I am mum of a 3yo and 1yo so haven’t really got to extracurricular phase yet. I am always totally flabbergasted the amount of stuff that seems to be expected! When I was a kid in very middle class household growing up in 90s/noughties my brother sister and I never did anything on this scale, we came home from school and were very glad to flop in front of blue Peter/neighbours! Every day! I actually think I would have hated doing so many things, I don’t know how I’m going to manage being the parent in this situation soon. I mean I suppose we did do swimming lessons at some point and I remember my sister doing brownies for a while but it was temporary things and not the norm. Any one else reject extracurricular now or is that really not the done thing?? Moneys not the issue it’s more laziness and just wanting to let them have time to relax and do their homework which was really important to me as a kid.

@Lorralorr if you are in a middle class area, everyone does a few extra curricular. Maybe you didn’t do music or sports? Both take quite a bit of time. If you think about it, if your child does football, it is one practice after school and one game in the weekend. If he does scouts, that’s another night. If he learns an instrument, that’s one music lesson and another night ensemble. We haven’t even touch things like stagecoach, coding, swimming. If your child pick dance, there are more classes than one a week.

Then what if your child make squad in football or gymnastics? I see swimming clubs are expecting 3-4 hours a week here.

@Lorralorr I am also from a so called middle class area and 30 years ago, was doing swimming, gymnastics, brownies and maybe a youth group on a Friday

I agree that there is a place for some evenings chilling in front of the TV. But I am also aware that the curriculum in school has changed with increasing focus on academic subjects and less time for exploring other skills. As a result I think there is societal expectation for kids to take some time to explore these things outside of school.

My daughter is artistic but not terribly academic - she's bright and articulate, but struggles to write it down. I want to help her experience some sense of success and fun during these formative years, so she's not just focussing on on the negatives of her school experience. (And I say this as someone who's idea of fun as a kid was doing extra homework). My boy, on the other hand, is a clever kid but a ball of energy. Both of them also tend towards the path of least resistance and would sit on the Switch of watch YouTube all day if I let them.

For this reason, he does:
Beavers, Karate, Football training, Swimming, Football Match
And she does:
Karate, Guides, Swimming and cooking club (when it runs)

@lilysienna1

From 8. At 8 it’s mainly - but not all - military families’ children or choristers, but a lot more start at 9, 10 and 11. Not many start at 12, then loads do at 13.

This is all interesting points - had not thought of it quite like this before in terms of filling in for where school fails, such a shame really.

I guess as a baseline I’d want my kids to be able to swim and to hopefully have some interest in sport and music as that stands you in pretty good stead for life. So yes take your point that that’s already quite a lot, then x2 kids..

I did do music lessons within the school day and nope no sports which probably has led to me having an unhealthy attitude towards exercise (ie I hate it!) so ideally would love my boys to like it as does their dad. Guess you never know what’s going to interest them though.

As a last thought (not aimed at you but just generally) I feel like there is often a lot of disapproval at putting kids in after school club every day as 9-6 or 8-6 is ‘such a long day for them’ but then these same people do a million after school clubs so isn’t that a long day too??

I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a grouch but I do think we never allow our kids time to just do nothing and be bored and that kind of robs them of something (chance to be creative etc). But then with screens gaming YouTube etc (which again mine are too young to have really got into yet) maybe there’s no chance for creative boredom now anyway…

I personally feel that keeping screens locked with passwords and restricting time spent on them is a lot cheaper than trying to fill every spare second with 2,500 extra curriculars.

I mean, having an activity or two is fine. They don’t need four or five different things going on.

Regarding the disapproval, I think we have to be mindful as to who is doing the disapproving.

As a general rule, I suspect that most disapproval comes from older generations to those who are younger. But, I think this stems from the fact that life genuinely was different for them as parents.

Both my parents, and my in-laws (circa 80) were able to buy a house young, on the wage of one parent. Both mums didn't need to work so spent the majority of our formative years at home with is while the dads worked. My mum eventually went back to work when I was about 9/10, starting as a dinner lady at my school before taking on more hours to work in the school office too. My parents bought their 4 bed detached house for £100k in 1986 on my dad's salary of 3+1. They still live in it nearly 40 years later. They retired nearly 20 years ago.

So, they look at us now and they judge us for not doing it like they did. They might read in the paper that house prices have gone up, along with everything else, but they don't really understanding that, to buy a 4 bed detached house where we live, would cost us £600k+. Which is waaaaaay more than 4 x mine and my DH's salaries combined.

They know I work, and they know I love my job, but they don't really understand that I also have to work. Because it's just so different from their paradigm. They focus on how it's sad for the kids, without really understanding how different our kids' lives would be if we had to exist on one wage. And my god do I respect anyone trying to hold it together on one salary because they have to.

So, I don't think they necessarily intend to make us feel bad, it's more a case of looking at things from an uninformed or inexperienced perspective. When you add that on to the fact that life generally has changed. I couldn't have sat watching TV all evening, like mine would choose to, we had kids TV that finished at 5.30 with the closing credits of blue peter. We only got a 5th TV channel when I was 18. We had to do something else with our time. We didn't have our first computer until I was 18 and going to university. Sharing the landline with dial-up internet. I didn't have my first mobile phone until I was 21. Our kids can't really imagine what it was like growing up entirely analogue. Our parents couldn't bring us up like we have done our children and vice versa. Can I honestly say I would have been the same swat-of-a-kid if I had access to Nintendos, IPads, freeview/sky/netflix etc? That's not a fair one to answer because you can't change the version of life you lived through.

But, we add our own guilt for not being able to raise our kids the same way as we were. It's not a bad thing, it's just different. I suspect, our kids won't share the same guilt as we do when they have their kids... They will still have parental guilt but probably not for the same reasons.

@Lorralorr Kids have a lot more time than us. DC1 is in KS3 and does guides, two sports casually, sewing, two instruments (one at school), and one orchestera after school. She has homework every day. She still have a lot of time playing on the game console and watching YouTube. I think unless your child is in a club that a lot of training, they'll have more free time than they know how to spend. If I don't stop her, she spends 2-3 hours a day on YouTube on a school day. She stopped reading when she got to secondary.

DC2 is in KS2 spends even more time on her tablet. But she has almost no homework.

But that’s kind of what I mean. It’s good for kids to have more free time than they know what to do with - then they get bored, and it’s only when they’re bored that they start using their imaginations and actually discovering what they want to do, inventing things, coming up with ideas. also it gives them the tools to fill up their time later in left eg when they go to uni, rather than not know how to do it as they’re used to a parent managing them.

If we plan every minute for them when do they get to be bored and what do they lose by never being bored?

i think sometimes it maybe a misunderstanding from the older generation as you say… I think sometimes also it is SAHM’s on mumsnet who like to stir the pot 🙊

but anyway I just think it’s funny that those same people would then be out til 8.30 at karate club or whatever anyway which is great, glad kids do karate.. I think I’m going to have to take a lower pressure approach though as doing after school clubs every day would genuinely kill me 😂