Hubby home only at weekends

[Flowersandhoney]

Hubby started working away 2 yrs ago (Monday-Friday (should have only been for a few months) no end in sight. Good money though so means we can do nice things (I’m a SAHM but suffering with bowel problems so gave up work while trying to get a diagnosis- so not well a lot of the time). Here’s the problem.. he comes home on a Friday night and announces what he’s doing at the weekend. He plays ruby and he’s not here in the week to train but the boys all love him so if they need a player he’s there like a shot. Very rarely will miss a game. In the week he has his single life (so I feel) then waltz’s in on a Friday, declaring what he’s doing and makes me feel shit for not being happy for him. He’s amazing at helping around the house when he’s here but all I can focus on is how selfish I find him pissing off when it suits him. It’s making me feel like I don’t want him home.. I have a routine in the week and come the weekend it’s all about him. Our house needs work but nothing gets done as he’s not here. AIBU that I want him to be at home with me and the children considering he can do what he likes in the week.

How old are the children?

It's reasonable that he gets some downtime but so should you and you should get time as a family..

I'd have a chat about what the weekend looks like. So say rugby is Sunday afternoon. Can you get Sunday morning to yor self and Saturday is family time?

Swap him for tax credits.

If he's away all week, you'd expect and hope he'd want to spend time with you and the children, are there deeper issues at play? Does he actually have to work away or is he choosing to, since you said it was a temporary arrangement?

This comment had me choking on my tea!

But he can’t do what he likes in the week. He’s working. His job enables the way you live your life. Just as you enable him to do his job. You both have roles in the way you have set up your family. His is working 5 days a week away from his home and family. Yours is caring for you children and home.
Weekends should be shared between family time, chores and social/relaxing time.
I do get what you’re saying but, as long as he is spending time with his family and doing his bit of housework when he’s there, he should be allowed some social time at the weekends.
The situation is difficult in some ways but it also suits you in others.

Hes not doing what he wants in the week though. He's restricted because he's working away. He needs down time like you do. Do you not take any for yourself?

Can you get a handyman in to do the work around the house.

part-time wfh customer service for extra cash?

he shouldn’t be dictating the weekend schedule. You should discuss how you want it to go beforehand rather than just him announcing.

maybe call him during the week when everyone is calmer and discuss how it makes you feel as well as how you can make ?weekends work for both of you

He gets down time from 5 until 9 the next morning, every day. He can literally do whatever he wants then. While the op is at home dealing with kids and the mental load that comes with.

Surely he gets loads of down time in the week though? Once he finishes work he has hours to suit himself while the OP is doing tea and bath and bed and cleaning up after kids at home. Then he needs more downtime at the weekends while his wife is still doing all the childcare?

F

He cant really do whatever he wants if he us working away from home though as it is quite limiting.

My DH works away as well... and he agrees he gets a lit more free time than I do. Every evening in fact. He only needs to think of himself, I have to organise around the children.

Our weekend priorities are the children, essential house stuff, and our socialising fits around it. He coaches rugby now instead of playing (which will be easier next year as DD will move into his team).

I don't think there's right or wrong here really but I do understand your resentment. Often folk say to ensure you both get equal down time however I think what you want is family time not a night out with your friends.
Clearly you need a proper discussion about this. What are the alternatives (other than divorce)
Interestingly I was having a conversation with friends last weekend discussing reasons for divorce. We concluded that marriages generally break down not simply around sex or money but because of resentment!

Presumably he's not working 24 hours a day 5 days a week. Whereas OP is.

How many hours is rugby?
Why don't you suggest the same number of hours for jobs around the house, and for alone time for you.

The other day on the weekend could be family time.

If the kids are older they could go to rugby and you could have alone time then.

Work it out as a team but after the rugby match. -

Do you have a shared calendar? I’d ask him to use a shared calendar so you can see when he is off to rugby instead of just announcing it. Also then you can block out a few hours as well… family lunch, tidy garden etc etc but still allow YOU BOTH downtime with shared communication

Get a workman in to do the jobs and have a bout of mentionitis.
Oh Dave is so good at his job.
Oh Dave is such a laugh.
And then suggest that you would sooner have dh do a particular job but if he’s too busy Dave says he’ll slot me in. Ha ha ha.

He can't attend training during the week so hardly able to do whatever he wants.

However he shouldn't be always busy at the weekend. I would think 3-4 hours at rugby most when would be ok though if it is all day activity then maybe once or twice per month.

In what way?
He can go to the gym, do an evening class, go to the pub, go out for dinner, watch TV, nap.
How is all that not down time?

Love this. Great idea

Well I assume he has every evening to himself? Gym, swim, go out with work colleagues, go to the cinema. Never cook/clean etc. Sounds wonderful.

So yes OP needs equivalent somehow! Can he alternate rugby? So it’s not every week. Is he hanging around and socialising for hours afterwards? You definitely need a morning to yourself at the weekend. Pay for a handyman. I don’t know how you solve the family time issue. He must spend very little time with you all?

Get someone in to do the jobs, sod waiting for him to do it!

Feck that

Divorce and you will be free every weekend while he looks after the kids

I mean TBF he is taking the piss, where does he stay, how far away. This isn't what you signed up for.

He’s amazing at helping around the house when he’s here

It's really not 'amazing' to do your fair share of chores at the weekend.

I'd expect a decent husband to want to look after his wife at weekend, let her recover from looking after the children solo and also suffering a health condition.