Hubby home only at weekends

[Flowersandhoney]

Hubby started working away 2 yrs ago (Monday-Friday (should have only been for a few months) no end in sight. Good money though so means we can do nice things (I’m a SAHM but suffering with bowel problems so gave up work while trying to get a diagnosis- so not well a lot of the time). Here’s the problem.. he comes home on a Friday night and announces what he’s doing at the weekend. He plays ruby and he’s not here in the week to train but the boys all love him so if they need a player he’s there like a shot. Very rarely will miss a game. In the week he has his single life (so I feel) then waltz’s in on a Friday, declaring what he’s doing and makes me feel shit for not being happy for him. He’s amazing at helping around the house when he’s here but all I can focus on is how selfish I find him pissing off when it suits him. It’s making me feel like I don’t want him home.. I have a routine in the week and come the weekend it’s all about him. Our house needs work but nothing gets done as he’s not here. AIBU that I want him to be at home with me and the children considering he can do what he likes in the week.

Spot on.. doesn’t feel like a marriage/partnership at times

Surely the problem to be addressed here is the fact that this was supposed to be short term and is now long term. No one in your family apart from DH seems happy with this.

Can your DH renegotiate the contract - if the employer wants longer term commitment he gets to work from home on Thurs/Fri and is only away Mon-Weds for example?

You’re a savage 😂😂😂

As a local resident with lots of weekly commuting colleagues I have to say the commuters were a total pain in the bum! Happy to let meetings drag on as they didnt have families to get back to and not having anything to do until dinner time. Also arranging big mid week nights out then hungover the next day. This would then lead to later starts and later evenings.

@Flowersandhoney the being away Sunday to Friday with only a 2 hour commute reinforces the impression I get of him having compartmentalised you & your DCs out of his life.

Many of my flying commuting colleagues would delay leaving home until early Monday morning and would try to get home on Thursday night with a WFH day on Friday.

But could you move an hour closer so that the can come home every night. You wouldn't actually be in the city.

@BIinkii @Smartiepants79

That's not quite accurate though is it? He does get time off during the week. Say he works 9-5. Any time outside those hours are his mon-fri.

OP on the other hand is working 24/7. She's getting the kids to bed, up with them in the night, can't go out in the evenings etc. All that time he's by himself doing what he likes during the week!

Love this comment, I'm petty enough to do this but my DP would probably say let Dave crack on and do the jobs then! 😅

@Bubbleohseven you have made my cat leap off me as I randomly burst out laughing.

But he wouldn’t come home every night .. well maybe bed time. He’d still do his quiz’s and sports I’d end up doing everything I do here but with no friends or family to help. I can cope with him working away if it’s what needs to happen at the moment but it’s this business of him just deciding playing rugby (and socialising after) takes over our weekend then he leaves again.

@Flowersandhoney If your husband wanted to spend time with his family, he would. It is as simple as that.

So, stick or twist. If you want to stick around, I suggest finding some interests of your own and making yourself unavailable at weekends, too. Sitting around pining like a lost puppy won't achieve anything, but he might pay more attention when he notices you are not around to bring him his pipe and slippers.

That or make plans and leave.

This is depressing and quite sad.

You didn’t answer when I asked about his occupation? He can only work in that particular city doing that particular job?

What a nonsense. Why don’t you put your foot down? This guy is running rings around you. You are nothing more than a babysitter and housekeeper.

Give him an ultimatum? And do it tomorrow! Get a sitter too so you can thrash it all out when the kids are not there

If nothing changes then nothing will change

You are being emotionally starved by this man.

100% this is what I need to do. I’ve been so ill I think it’s made me feel a bit low and like I’m no fun. I desperately want to loose weight, get fit and get back to work but I’m so bloody ill all the time.
my plan is get well, get fit, loose 2 stone and get a life.
I know without doubt he’d hate it if I started treating him like how he treats me.

@Flowersandhoney
"I know without doubt he’d hate it if I started treating him like how he treats me."

Do it for yourself, not him.

So he works in construction.. works currently on a big project which has on going work. His company has work all over the country and previously he’s travelled from home to sites (working very long days) but apparently there’s nothing in this area that will pay as good. The odd occasion he’s had a few weeks working away… never been a problem.
It’s the lack of communication as I have no idea how long this will go on for.. he says they all love him where he is and don’t want him to leave 🤣.. he’s very full of himself.
I think I feel I owe him as with him working I can have time to get better but emotionally you’re right he starves and drains me.
We go around in circles with me getting upset him just saying he’s doing all this for me and the children and then two minutes later he’s off out again.

I will. Thank you xx

Can you at least go out tomorrow night? Just tell him you need some time to relax?

Then go to your friends house or something because girl he is taking you for granted

If you are not first then you are last!

There are project manager jobs everywhere!

I mean have you looked at his salary then googled jobs in your area?

I understand he loves his job but goodness me he loves it more than you!

Just wanted to say thank you for identifying I’m actually not working due to health. I’d love nothing more than getting up, putting my makeup on, getting kids to school to go off to work in a lovely office with great colleagues, organising nights out, Having my own money and not answering to him. Yes he pays for everything but it’s his house and children too and I buy very little for myself. For example he’ll go and buy £200 trainers without a thought. I’m wearing second hand boots (absolutely nothing wrong in that) because I’m careful and aware I’m not earning and feel it’s not my money to spend. I’m currently selling on Vinted so I have just a bit each week for little treats. He made fun at times when I’ve sold something for £5 as he’d think nothing of a £20 football bet.
It’s not a marriage in my eyes but feel without having my own finances I’m trapped at the moment x

I also think it’s really sad he appears not to want to spend much time with his kids! He doesn’t see them all week then swans off Saturday morning!

@Flowersandhoney

If you wanted a £100 pair of trainers he would buy them for you though right?

My DH earns 3 x what I do and he shares it with me and if I asked for the lot he would hand it over to me without a thought. I’d do the same for him too.

I have no words. If he wouldn't come home every night if you moved closer I just don't think even I could put up with that. He's behaving like a single man. I'm sorry I really am

I would say yes he probably would however that’s because he’s got all the money so he can choose. One year he told me I needed to be careful what I was spending on our DS birthday as money was tight. I later found out he’d put thousands of pounds on bets as his mate told him they were sure wins.. they weren’t 😞. Do you know exactly how much your husband earns and does he let you see his outgoings as mine doesn’t and I find this very suspicious 🤨

This is financial abuse. Lying about income, controlling your spending, withholding money all massive red flags.

My DH earns 10x what I do, I have full access to family money, discretionary money of my own and complete transparency with incomes/outgoings.

Get rid.

I'd think his gambling is equally important to his not spending time with his family. He does not sound like a great husband.

He’s providing for his family and stuck working through the week. He should be allowed to relax and you should be more understanding. Why don’t you try working away for a week and let him stay at home?

Hilarious.. he’s providing for himself too not just me you know 🤣. Working away just means he can go out every evening if he wishes, has a full nights sleep and get up nice and fresh for the Gym… he doesn’t have it tough believe me.
I have also worked away actually.. all over the country and I certainly have contributed to our lifestyle.
Maybe you should re read some of my responses as I think it’s quite clear he couldn’t cope being at home and me working away.. he’d have to look after the children for starters 🤣