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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hubby home only at weekends

191 replies

Flowersandhoney · 24/01/2024 12:33

Hubby started working away 2 yrs ago (Monday-Friday (should have only been for a few months) no end in sight. Good money though so means we can do nice things (I’m a SAHM but suffering with bowel problems so gave up work while trying to get a diagnosis- so not well a lot of the time). Here’s the problem.. he comes home on a Friday night and announces what he’s doing at the weekend. He plays ruby and he’s not here in the week to train but the boys all love him so if they need a player he’s there like a shot. Very rarely will miss a game. In the week he has his single life (so I feel) then waltz’s in on a Friday, declaring what he’s doing and makes me feel shit for not being happy for him. He’s amazing at helping around the house when he’s here but all I can focus on is how selfish I find him pissing off when it suits him. It’s making me feel like I don’t want him home.. I have a routine in the week and come the weekend it’s all about him. Our house needs work but nothing gets done as he’s not here. AIBU that I want him to be at home with me and the children considering he can do what he likes in the week.

OP posts:
Delatron · 25/01/2024 13:23

I think the OP knows her DP’s hours. If she says he has evenings free and time for the gym in the morning then that’s different to other people’s experiences of working away. He clearly is enjoying it! Construction doesn’t have the same hours as other industries.

Therealjudgejudy · 25/01/2024 15:10

This is so sad to read. He is totally selfish.

Leave him and find yourself op

Samlewis96 · 25/01/2024 16:17

Vinrouge4 · 24/01/2024 15:44

He’s living the life of a single man. If you split he would have to man up and actually spend some time with the children.

Not necessarily. A lot of blokes choose not to . The csa or whatever they are now can make you pay but not make you actually see the kids

Barney16 · 25/01/2024 18:03

Years ago my ex worked away all week. When he got home he used to say he was exhausted from work and wanted to relax at the weekend. That was code for do fuck all. I had had my children all week and I worked and expected him to give me a break at weekends. Never happened. Yes, he was at work, but he didn't have anything to do except work, needless to say we got divorced.

Bunchymcbunchface · 25/01/2024 18:39

I’ve lived like this for 30 years. Raised the child who’s now a grown up
sometimes when he’s home on a weekend I’m away at competitions so I don’t see him for a few weeks.
suits us. He drives me mad when he’s home! (In the nicest way) covid he was home for 3 months solidly which I think is the longest we’ve ever spent together. We have a smallholding so that kept him busy! Or he’d have been 6 feet under

Jeannie88 · 25/01/2024 18:40

TheNanny24 · 24/01/2024 12:48

Surely he gets loads of down time in the week though? Once he finishes work he has hours to suit himself while the OP is doing tea and bath and bed and cleaning up after kids at home. Then he needs more downtime at the weekends while his wife is still doing all the childcare?

Exactly, he just has to look after himself after work and most likely is served dinner etc, Bedsheets changed for him, gym to use, I assume as jobs working away usually have these included. X

Combattingthemoaners · 25/01/2024 18:41

I absolutely hate women using the word “helping” when describing their husband doing anything in their own house or with their own kids.

Xmasdaft2023 · 25/01/2024 18:57

yanbu!
I think even if he was at home every evening it’d be the case that you still do everything too.
I think you need to get yourself well, you need to do more for you and then reevaluate!

husband here every day of the week but busy 3x a week with a sport he coaches. He golfs too. We have 2 kids at home! Me.. I go out when I can and make a bloody point of doing so. The free time he has far far outweighs mine but at the moment it works for us. The minute it doesn’t though I’d tell him and he’d adjust things (probably drop golf to less), we actively make a point of doing family things though…that’s outwith the kids activities too that are 3days a week and a weekend. We make it work and I’d think you husband needs reminded that you do not get this time back with the kids!!!

Dashel · 25/01/2024 19:11

I am sorry that you haven’t been well and hope you feel better soon

Do you have any savings? I would be squirrelling money away in case things go wrong, he seems to spend freely so I would definitely try and get an escape fund together that he doesn’t know about. Even if it’s cash hidden very safely.

Definitely start making plans when you feel better and ask him to book tickets to an event family day out.

Only you know if you want to salvage the marriage but if you do maybe go together to talk to a therapist if not, save, recover and do courses/ get another job and prepare to leave when it suits you. I would certainly speak to a solicitor without telling anyone so I knew what my options were

Nicole1111 · 25/01/2024 19:13

As a starting point to trying to change things, or
to explore what your life could be like without him, I’d text him now and let him know you’re away this weekend or next weekend for the whole weekend and he has the kids. Book yourself somewhere nice or contact a friend to see if you can visit them. Go and remind yourself who you are without him and that life can be just as nice without his very very minor contribution to your life.

Truckeme · 25/01/2024 19:18

I’m actually stunned at the amount of you on here who would be fine with your husband/partner working away all week then not wanting to spend as much time as possible with you on a weekend and I don’t even have kids! Seriously!

Nanny0gg · 25/01/2024 19:18

Chickpea17 · 24/01/2024 14:45

He's working in the week, so as hardly doing what he wants. he needs to have down time just like you do

Have you seen what he does with his 'down time' in the week?

Nanny0gg · 25/01/2024 19:20

Quitelikeit · 24/01/2024 15:03

Can I ask what his occupation is and how it’s not possible for yous to move closer to him or for him to get a job near home?

most occupations have jobs everywhere I suspect he is not telling you the truth

Why does he need to be in that exact location?

He sounds very disconnected from your lives? Do you know how much money he keeps for himself each month? Do you get a fair amount?

She doesn't need to know what he earns... apparently

Quitelikeit · 25/01/2024 20:06

Op

yes I know what he earns and I can see the bills etc as we have joint accounts

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 25/01/2024 20:35

He sounds selfish and when do you get your down time or when do you both do things together. He is living like a single man. Do you actually get on and have an intimate relationship and like each other at all. He needs to change his weekend routine and stop putting himself first or change his job.

celticprincess · 25/01/2024 20:56

Yep. My ex (I now have the tax credits not the DH) works away a lot. He had a normal job nearby that was 12 hour shifts, so 3 days on 4 days off etc. He then decided he was also following his dream so organised how freelance work which took him away from the home on his days off. This also meant overnight stays. And whilst he was ‘working’ on that dream he was also getting plenty of down time outside of the home. Meant that I couldn’t really pick up my hobby once per week as some weeks he was on shift working, and some weeks he might be away ‘working’ and my hobby was the kind where weekly commitment was preferred. It was then his voice to move out. But then splitting the time so he shared custody of the kids became an issue as when he wasn’t working is proper job he was off on his other job. He then quit his proper job to take on the other job full time. The other job usually means working weekends but also often during the week, so he hardly see the kids now. Financially he’s worse off as his new work away how job is freelance and isn’t always guaranteed and can be cancelled. The only out side for me is the tax credits!! He then has the cheek to complain that when he is free to see the kids that they are busy with weekly hobbies of their own.

OP depending on the age of your kids could, once they start school you might find you can get some down time then. The house will be less chaotic so you could possibly push all the household bits into one day and then use the other time as down time. It’s hard though as often your friends will be at work and activities on offer are aimed at those retired. I work part time so my days off have seen me attend events full of retired people. lol. Someone even recently commented to my mum ‘your daughter seems to enjoy hanging round with the oldies!!’ lol. Not quite my choice of activity but better than non.

celticprincess · 25/01/2024 21:04

Jeannie88 · 25/01/2024 18:40

Exactly, he just has to look after himself after work and most likely is served dinner etc, Bedsheets changed for him, gym to use, I assume as jobs working away usually have these included. X

Haha not sticking up for the op but where I work our Director has taken up the job temporarily first but decided to stay permanently. He lives in a room in a shared house Monday to Friday and then travels home Friday after work until Sunday night when he comes back to his shared house. He has kids. He does actually take work home on an evening (nature of the job) and has his deputy pick up emails etc over a weekend incase of anything urgent. But as he lives in a shared house he doesn’t get his meals served and his sheets changed. He’s a man in his 50s living like a student!! His family were going to relocate but they decided not to. But I agree that he probably does get a lot more down time in the week on evenings as he doesn’t have to think about his teenagers, take them places, sort tea etc. He just has to think about himself. But I believe he goes home to spend the weekend with his family, take part in family life, go on breaks with his family during holiday periods. He doesn’t have another hobby he just picks up when he gets home.

OtsyBotsy90 · 25/01/2024 21:43

Leave this man. I don’t say that lightly either because you have health things going on and a divorce is hard on children but he’s not in this. It seems he likes his life to be his and you just have put up with it because he pays the bills.
I second the poster who said swap him for tax credits.

Here4thechocs · 25/01/2024 22:00

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 24/01/2024 13:00

Feck that

Divorce and you will be free every weekend while he looks after the kids

I mean TBF he is taking the piss, where does he stay, how far away. This isn't what you signed up for.

Wow. Divorce, you say?

Just wow

BuffaloDance2000 · 25/01/2024 22:57

Bubbleohseven · 24/01/2024 12:41

Swap him for tax credits.

🤣

Anele22 · 25/01/2024 23:30

I wonder which of the posts have been written by men 🤨

SleepingBeautySnores · 26/01/2024 00:04

OP, it seems clear to me that this is not what you signed up for when you said 'I do'. As several other posters have said, I think the first you should do is concentrate on getting yourself well again. Then once you are, I would be telling him not to arrange anything for next weekend, as you will be leaving him to look after the children, while you go away for a nice break. I'm betting here that he absolutely won't hear of it, and it will be all 'but I need', 'I want', 'I have my sport to go to', etc, etc. Sadly this bloke who professed to love you, and want to share his life with you, has made a unilateral decision that your married life revolves solely around him, and what he wants out of life. Not a marriage at all when you look at it like that, is it? If on the other hand, he should surprise you, (and me) by saying 'that's a great idea OP, you deserve it', or 'what a lovely idea, why don't we all have a nice family weekend away?' then you just might have something left worth working on. Otherwise, I'd be getting my ducks in a row, and working out what steps I need to take, to ensure that I get the best possible outcome in the divorce! You deserve MUCH better OP! Time to reach out and take it!

Hope you get well soon.

Panterus · 26/01/2024 08:07

Just leave him OP.

He's living the single life pretty much most of the time. He off about living it up going to his clubs and his sports.

He's swanning off totally reliant on your really hard graft as a mother and as a housekeeper. I bet he hasn't organised a damn thing for those kids during their lifetimes. He's leaving you to do all the donkey work while he has it easy, but gets to play the mature family man which we know pays off in the workplace in the eyes of others.

You are supporting him financially by doing so much. If you split he would have to make massive to changes to his life to have those kids fifty fifty. Which he should as they are half his. Plus you should push for that split so that you can also get your paid work back on track when you are better.

He's benefiting HUGELY from your unpaid labour and he's doing that while you are sick. Think of the costs he would incur if you split, he'd have to house those children, provide wrap around care, cook for them, clean for them, arrange for them. All of that would take a toll on his important man job, maybe that extra constant unrelenting pressure would fuck with his future earning potential too.

On top of this he is financially abusing you by not allowing you full access to money that is legally yours.

He doesn't even like you enough to spend his time with you when he's not away. They boyz chucking a ball about takes priority.

Nobody who loves their partner treats them like this, especially not when they are ill. He's a selfish manchild who wouldn't know real responsibility if it smacked him in the balls.

He just sees you (like so many misogynists on this thread) as both a convenience so he does not have to do the hard yards of family life but equally he diminishes and resents your contribution.

Your unpaid labour is equally as important as his paid labour, don't forget that.

Flowersandhoney · 26/01/2024 10:07

Wow thank you everyone for your words. Most of you get it completely.. a few of you are obviously on his Ruby team 🤣.
I’ve actually cried this morning at the support and understanding some of you have given me. I will try to reply to as many as I can as I really appreciate the support.
I love my husband dearly but feel like I’m doing all the waiting and to some extent feel it’s only a matter of time he tells me he’s found a younger model.
When it’s good it’s lovely.. when he’s doing things with us it makes me feel like he’s enjoying being with us and I couldn’t be more happy. I love my little family but he just lets me down all the time.
It’s like a rollercoaster of emotions.. a few weeks of things being good then bang another issue arises.
I’ve made an appointment to see a solicitor next week .. it’s breaking my heart but I will find out about my options. xx

OP posts:
SleepingBeautySnores · 26/01/2024 10:23

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position OP, but I really do think you are doing the right thing in consulting a solicitor, at least you'll know where you stand then, and can make informed decisions.

Please take care of your health while this is all going on. Makes my blood boil that you're struggling with ill health, and he's still not there for you.

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