Hubby home only at weekends

[Flowersandhoney]

Hubby started working away 2 yrs ago (Monday-Friday (should have only been for a few months) no end in sight. Good money though so means we can do nice things (I’m a SAHM but suffering with bowel problems so gave up work while trying to get a diagnosis- so not well a lot of the time). Here’s the problem.. he comes home on a Friday night and announces what he’s doing at the weekend. He plays ruby and he’s not here in the week to train but the boys all love him so if they need a player he’s there like a shot. Very rarely will miss a game. In the week he has his single life (so I feel) then waltz’s in on a Friday, declaring what he’s doing and makes me feel shit for not being happy for him. He’s amazing at helping around the house when he’s here but all I can focus on is how selfish I find him pissing off when it suits him. It’s making me feel like I don’t want him home.. I have a routine in the week and come the weekend it’s all about him. Our house needs work but nothing gets done as he’s not here. AIBU that I want him to be at home with me and the children considering he can do what he likes in the week.

Thank you everyone for the reply’s (especially @Bubbleohseven ) I can’t seem to reply to you all individually so here’s a bit more…
children are 6&8 have their own hobbies too. Have worked part time up until a month ago then only left due to health which I’m hoping will improve in the next month or two following surgery. Then back to work. Certainly not living the life of a lady who lunches.
Husband earns enough for both of us however shares no other financial information me- he puts a set amount into a joint account for shopping and bills. His friends and colleagues advise him it’s nothing to do with me what he spends his money on. In the week he eats out most nights (has a great allowance by the company) with the other lads down there and has joined a quiz club, plays golf in the summer after work, Has joined a gym that he goes in the week (sometimes for a swim in the day if it’s quiet). I’ve previously tried to support other sports he’s played but they’ve always taken over. I guess now I feel like our weekends come and go and we’ve not spent time together as a family.
I know working away can’t be easy.. but seriously no kids at night, pub and a peaceful nights sleep every night isn’t bad is it.
(if anyone can tell me how to reply individually I’d be grateful 🥰)

To reply individually you need to select "quote" or just take the poster by using "@".

Honestly... you just sound tired... it sounds like he takes you for granted a bit It can beceasy to get into competitive tiredness especially being apart.
Communication is the key here.

To give an alternative perspective, I was on a project for a number of years. A lot of my colleagues were weekly commuters. They would fly in on a Monday then go home at the end of the week.

I would say that the majority of my weekly commuting colleagues eventually moved permanently or left the project. The ones who left frequently cited relationship problems.

One of my colleagues described the weekly commuting life as being like a rugby tour. Lots of meals out, lots of hotel drinking. They went home to recover. Except that their partners would have been stuck managing home all week and would want some family or couple time.

This would cause resentment to build up. It generally came to a head at the two year mark.

Of course there are other weekly commuting scenarios but this was the one I saw.

@PuttingDownRoots thank you .. I’m very tired you’re right. My youngest won’t sleep alone so not really getting sleep at night. Worried about test results and illness so it’s all just building up x

It looks like we may have had a drip feed from the OP but i did laugh a lot at this🤣

He's working in the week, so as hardly doing what he wants. he needs to have down time just like you do

@catsnhats11 yes I definitely think if I felt he wanted to spend time with us it would be better. It’s like he’s excited to be getting away 🤣. I get the impression he likes it there x

There isn't much point to him aside from him having a job. Which most people have. So it's not really a marriage.

Any chance you can get into employment so you can be financially independent?

Working away from home, is basically working most of time. It's so not like being at home. I do it a lot and would much prefer to ve home. Watching TV or catching up on work in evening is as good as it gets. It's not free time to relax.

Surely that depends on the job? DH used to work away for weeks at a time, still kept office hours.

@Needanewnamebeingwatched he’s 2 hours away. Without doubt we wouldn’t be together if we didn’t have the children.

Can I ask what his occupation is and how it’s not possible for yous to move closer to him or for him to get a job near home?

most occupations have jobs everywhere I suspect he is not telling you the truth

Why does he need to be in that exact location?

He sounds very disconnected from your lives? Do you know how much money he keeps for himself each month? Do you get a fair amount?

So you don’t actually like him and don’t want to spend time with him. Let him play rugby one day, you go out the next day. Then you won’t have to spend time together and the children get quality time with each parent without having to suffer the lingering resentment.

Either 1) leave him or 2) build your whole life without him. If he plays rugby on Saturday, you go out all of Sunday so you get a break and he gets time with the kids. Miserable existence but maybe doable while you build some savings to leave him.

OP, from reading all your posts, I’d say there are some red flags here - which you do seem to notice. And as you have only been a full SAHM for a month, this plays a smaller part at explaining the long-standing dynamic .

He has a very full, rejuvenating, post-work life during the work week (gym, pub quiz, mates, golf…) and frankly you could not match all his hobbies for yourself at the weekend if you tried. But as others have said, it seems what you’re concerned about is the lack of interest in prioritising your family the only 2 days he shares a roof with them. In theory, he should be missing you all and wanting to soak up the fleeting daddy/hubby moments he has. You need to have a serious talk with him!

No sorry I love him dearly and want it to work but he’s lied in the past about money and where he is/what he’s up to so it’s caused trust issues. I desperately want us to spend time together because when we do it’s lovely and I guess I’m needy compared to him. If we didn’t have children I’d break away not because I don’t love him but because he hurts me with his lack of treating me like a partner

Honestly this is just what my best friend says 🤣

@Ihatethenewlook it doesn't say any of what you mention either. My husband works away sometimes and does a 9-5 so has plenty of free time. If he wanted to fuck off to rugby every weekend he was home I'd be pissed off too. I'd want one day family time and at least half a day where he takes the kids and I could chill.
And yes he's working but that's where it ends. He doesn't have any of the mental load the op has to carry throughout the week.

6&8 after years of fertility treatment and 4 losses

He needs to change job. If he doesn't then I'd end the marriage. What's the point in having a husband for 1.5 days a week?

Yes exactly this. Gym before or after work (posh gym too so has a nice sauna after a swim in their Olympic pool) goes to classes including Pilates , quiz night once a week and sometimes another night in a different pub, Golf in the summer.. blah blah blah.

You're effectively a single parent. At least if you were legally single, he would have to disclose his financial info.

I’d offer in the school holidays to travel to where ever he works away and say oh me and the kids will come and visit seeing as they’re not in school - and watch how fast he shits himself.

Its a no from me - he needs to step up or leave.

If he worked closer to home and came home of an evening would his salary support you to not work still? I think its a case of weighing up the priorities. Is the priority him earning for 2 and you being a SAHM, or is the priority you getting some evening time to yourself (because you get day times to yourself presumably with the kids being in school).

Yes this is what I think too