Hubby home only at weekends

[Flowersandhoney]

Hubby started working away 2 yrs ago (Monday-Friday (should have only been for a few months) no end in sight. Good money though so means we can do nice things (I’m a SAHM but suffering with bowel problems so gave up work while trying to get a diagnosis- so not well a lot of the time). Here’s the problem.. he comes home on a Friday night and announces what he’s doing at the weekend. He plays ruby and he’s not here in the week to train but the boys all love him so if they need a player he’s there like a shot. Very rarely will miss a game. In the week he has his single life (so I feel) then waltz’s in on a Friday, declaring what he’s doing and makes me feel shit for not being happy for him. He’s amazing at helping around the house when he’s here but all I can focus on is how selfish I find him pissing off when it suits him. It’s making me feel like I don’t want him home.. I have a routine in the week and come the weekend it’s all about him. Our house needs work but nothing gets done as he’s not here. AIBU that I want him to be at home with me and the children considering he can do what he likes in the week.

Fuck that

Currently really poorly. It’s been ongoing for years and different treatments haven’t worked but last 3 months have been horrific so taking time away from work. I’ve had surgery 3 times and due another op over the coming two months. Won’t go into it but it’s hugely affects day to day.

What like four evenings a week, the downtime he gets?

The DH is working all day then presumably in a hotel at night
Op not working and has all the comforts of home

He’s living the life of a single man. If you split he would have to man up and actually spend some time with the children.

But he can do a lot, four evenings a week? Less restrictive than bedtime, homework, lunch making, dinner making etc...

I too would either move closer or get him to change jobs if this isn't just a temporary contract to him. No job is worth missing your life.

Restricted, 2 hours from home. What about the OPs 6 hours a day that the kids are at school? They are both entitled to socialise with people they call friends.

@BIinkii when she's doing laundry, cleaning the house, dental appointments, dealing with sick children, cooking, shopping, doctor stuff, parents evening, school prep, ironing, dealing with the odd jobs.....

Do I need to continue? Because I'm
Not sure that the DF is wending his way round Sainsbury's on a Saturday morning to help, what do you think?

And then at the weekend, she la got the children all day, so that's more than the 8 hours he works per day!

So that's two full days, plus all the week stuff.

Yeah, she's got a real easy life!

You make him sound like a pet or a commodity, not a life partner.

I haven't read the whole thread so this my have been asked. Have you discussed moving closer to where his job is? My DH worked away for 18 months at the other end of the country so there was no point in moving but wondered if this might be an option for you

I don't know what the OP's occupation is, but I can tell you from experience that very few well paid jobs are 9 to 5, especially ones that involve working away from home. It is a rare day for me or for my husband to just walk away at 5pm.

@kisstheblarney so like I said they both are entitled to have their time to socialise. Not sure which part of that you're not getting. When I was a SAHM I took care of all of those things because my DH worked to financially support us and I didn't work so I could practically support us. We still had our own time to socialise. And yes he worked away midweek when we were in that position, came home on a Friday afternoon and went back Monday morning.

TBF working away from home can mean all sorts of things. He might be offshore doing physical work all day, or he might have been transferred to an office in a different city. We don't even know if he's particularly well paid, or whether or not he works away from choice or necessity. Lots of variables.

It’s the lack of consideration isn’t it? The assumption you will do the childcare while he fucks off to rugby or whatever he fancies doing. Given he’s away during the week, he should be dying to spend time with you guys, not avoiding his family.

Not disclosing his full financial situation is another issue altogether, which I would tackle separately.

It feels like ultimatum time if you want a future together. Either he is present at weekends or it’s time to separate. Would you be ok coping after surgery if you separate? Do you have family who can help you during the week (I’m guessing he isn’t volunteering to take leave to help you).

Yes, end it and start getting a job, paying the mortgage and REALLY doing everything by yourself as he will only have the children every second weekend. You will wish your only problem was a rugby game each weekend.

What party if she doesn't get six free hours a day, do you not understand?

No kneeling likes a martyr either!

*no one likes a martyr

@kisstheblarney could you explain the martyr comment. Are you saying I was one because I looked after our home and children while my husband went to work? And then we both had the absolutely cheek to still fit time in to see friends? Get a grip, you shouldn't really be on MN if you can't understand that people can have a difference of opinion. Your way or no way isn't it.

We have been in a similar situation, a 3 month contract to work outside Strasburg turned into a year -often with flights the getting home every weekend and back in time was impossible, or took most of a day to achieve, so it was often one (3 day long weekend) in 2 he was home, but bad though it was for us at home, it was worse for him no friends or anyone to talk to outside work, often he worked evenings as unlike others he had no family to get home to , no car so limited access to local facilities and not fluent in French or German hindered this too, plus he's not very sociable so wouldn't like to eat in a restaurant on his own, he missed his family and friends. I had to make an effort to not have a list of jobs/ places to go / tasks we wanted to get done over the 3 days, he needed social time with his friends, and time to lie in in his own bed and just decompress. What we tried to do was get ahead of it so i'd talk to him before he got home ask if he had any plans , and then work around those and say lets book a babysitter for saturday you can meet x and y before hand , or will we go to x restaurant for brunch after you fix the kids wardrobe, or i'll get tickets for cinema with kids Sunday what time you leaving at , or I'm going out with my friends Saturday so you can make pizzas with the kids.

@Honeychickpea as I mentioned, my husband also works away. Not as often as the ops husband maybe 4-5days a month. He also works 9-5. Maybe an hours prep here or there but definitely not working 24hrs a day. Or even 16 if you take 8 for sleep.
The op has implied in her replies that he is not working all hours god sends making his behaviour worse and the claims he needs extra 'downtime' ridiculous.

But it was you saying that OP had six free hours a day to socialise...... if you count all that shit as socialising, a chat over the washing tablets in Sainsbury's you're a martyr!

Well I assume he has every evening to himself? Gym, swim, go out with work colleagues, go to the cinema. Never cook/clean etc. Sounds wonderful.

Working away sounds great when you've never done it, but it's usually very lonely and boring. No friends, no family, all your work colleagues bugger off to their nice homes at 5:30pm. No local connections. If you're always in the same place you can start to build a weekday life, but while working away you often end up working very long days just because there's fuck-all else to do except sit in the bar by yourself or sit in your hotel room by yourself, and I can assure you that the lure of both those things reduces quickly.

That definitely doesn't mean that he can just blow off OP on the weekend and go off and see his friends, but regular working away is really not fun, more the opposite, unless you actually have a flat in the away location and/or a lot of work colleagues in the same situation to form connections to.

You seem to be projecting somewhat. You don’t know the OP’s DH is putting the same hours as you. You don’t know his job or hours. Even if he finishes at 7 - no commute, no cooking. I think he’s doing alright. Men tend to be a bit more selfish than women so I’m sure he has plenty of downtime in the week. I’d sure as hell choose his life over the OP’s. Focusing on work with zero childcare juggle, no housework. Sounds good to me.

‘Jobless partner’ or looking after the kids and house?